Page 45 of Monarch
“Okay,” I say, and even I can hear more confidence in it.
“Is it your first time?” Joel asks. It’s the question I didn’t want to get tonight. I wanted to walk into QISS with my head held high and a confidence in my stride. I don’t want to look inexperienced or out of my depth. But the way he asks it, in a gentle, warm tone, doesn’t have me feeling defensive.
“At a club, yes,” I say honestly. “I’ve played before at some house parties, some munch meet-ups, but never in a place like this.”
My eyes roam the black-painted walls, and they linger on the golden chandelier above our heads.
“Don’t let it intimidate you.” Joel leans closer again. “It’s a shame the owners aren’t in town. If you met them, you’d know just how down to earth this whole set up is.”
“The owners?”
“Javier and Dana,” Joel replies as he opens a door on his right that I didn’t even knowwasa door in the black wood panelling. He steps inside and returns with two golden coat hangers. “They have clubs here and in Barcelona and London where they split their time.To look at them, you’d never know they were the couple behind a sex club empire, but that’s how they like it. Their whole goal with QISS was to create safe spaces for queer kinksters, and that includes no attitudes or superiority.”
“Maybe we can come back one time when they are here.” Roos gives my hand another squeeze and it prompts a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach. “I’d like to meet them, too.”
“Oh, you’ve already got plans to come back to Amsterdam?” Joels asks me.
“They’ve got plans to maybe stay a while,” Roos jumps in before I can try and nip this conversation in the bud.
“Maybe,” I say.
Roos’ head snaps to me, but Joel and his perma-smile save me when he reaches out for our coats and hangs them up. He gives each of us a golden key with a number that corresponds to the coat hanger.
“It’s also for a locker in the changing rooms, which are for all genders.” He nods at me, and amongst the many weird, unwanted things I’m feeling, I feel a quick rush of relief, of validation, knowing this is one space where I don’t have to confront my gender dysphoria each time I need a piss. “There are private changing and shower cubicles, and in each locker are a number of personal items you may need before or after play. Everything you need during will be in the playrooms. Or” – he looks knowingly at Roos – “on the stage.”
“This sounds fancy,” I say. “Don’t I… How much do I need to pay for the night?”
Roos squeezes my hand again and kisses the top of my head. “Don’t worry.”
“You’re here as my guests,” Joel interjects. “Jesus, the sound of me. I don’t get commission if you later become a member or anything. I just really like working here and, well, playing here too.”
“No chance you can play tonight?” Roos pouts at him. A zing of jealousy elongates my spine, and I wait for it to intensify, but there’ssomething about watching it that makes it seem to shrink. Or maybe it’s the answer Joel gives.
“Not tonight,schaatje.” He cups the side of her face. “I’m on duty until closing time.”
“Next time.” Roos give a little shrug and then she looks at me. “Shall we?”
I nod, immediately curious how reassured I will continue to feel when Joel’s everlasting grin is behind us. As if he can read my mind, Joel calls out to me as Roos starts to open the double doors. “Mari, remember, I’ll be here all night. I make a mean cup of tea. And I smuggled in some hobnobs from my last visit to the UK.”
I return his smile. “Thanks, Joel.”
And then I let Roos lead me through the double doors.
*****
It’s only after we’ve got our wristbands – green for Roos and yellow for me – and Nadia has reminded us of the key rules regarding consent and communication and how to play safe, that I realise we haven’t seen anybody else since we arrived.
“Are we, like, really early?” I whisper to Roos as we leave Nadia – a smoking hot brown-skinned woman in a floor-length fuchsia pink latex dress – to walk up the majestic staircase that wraps around the tall room’s walls.
“No, we’re right on time,” Roos replies. Her tone matches her body language. She’s calm, very noticeably so. It’s almost like I can feel the stress leaving her body with each step up the soft red carpet on the stairs. This place means something to her.
“But seriously, where is everybody?” I ask as we reach the top of the staircase. To our right is a dark corridor. I squint to see a few doors on either side, but I couldn’t say exactly how many. To our leftis another set of double doors where a tall figure stands, wearing a suit that matches Joel’s.
“You’re about to find out,” Roos tells me, and she leads me towards the double doors. “Hello, Bo. This is my friend, Mari. It’s their first time.”
The dark-skinned Black person in the suit nods at me and then flashes a half-smile my way. “Hello, Mari. I’m Bo. They/them and the person you come to if you need any help this evening, and Roos is, well, tied up elsewhere.”
Roos and Bo laugh softly at this, and I guess I’m more overwhelmed than I expect because my awkward chuckle comes a second or two later.
