Page 66 of Monarch
“I…” My voice breaks. I clear my throat and then speak louder. “I need to fuck.”
“Straight to the point as always.” Mother Maria’s laugh is more of a cackle, and yet it’s a very bright, sensual sound. “And do you have somebody to fuck, or are you looking for a volunteer?”
I nearly do it. I nearly dart my eyes in Mari and Roos’ direction. I nearly challenge them with a look as I answer, “I’m looking for a volunteer,” but I don’t. Instead, I direct my answer to the audience, which is cloaked in darkness.
“Very well.” Mother Maria taps her cane as she steps forward. “Anyone want to come and play with Lex? Xe is sure to show you a good time!”
I keep my eyes trained straight ahead, the side of my face closest to Mari and Roos continues to burn, and I wait.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Roos
It’s a good thing I’m holding Mari’s hand in one palm and a bottle of water in the other, because I can feel the muscles in my arms twitch to respond to Mother Maria’s invitation. To Lex’s invitation.
How many times has xe taken me on that stage? How many times has xe fucked me until I forgot all the darkness in my life? How many times have we shown this very audience all the ways we were connected, bonded, in love?
It doesn’t seem right that we can have such intense moments together for months and months and then…nothing. It all disappears, evaporates in a puff of air. It no longer is.
Isn’t that why I made the stage mine and Mari’s tonight? Isn’t that why I’ve agreed to keep playing with Mari here? Because I wanted to reclaim this space and replace those memories? Isn’t that why I chose to dominate tonight? Because I finally felt ready to be more than Lex’s one-time plaything? And to have xem witness it… That was supposed to bury all those memories of xir and me once and for all.
Then why did I effectively invite xem to come and watch?
And why does my hand itch to be lifted, to volunteer for Lex?
I’ve buried nothing. I’ve only added more memories to a pile that my brain still sifts through far too regularly.
“You can, if you want,” I hear a voice. It’s Mari. I snap my attention to them, studying their expression in the dim light.
“What?”
“I mean it,” they explain. “If you want to go up there, you can.”
Their eyes are wide, their mouth is small, and there’s a crease between their eyebrows. It’s impossible to say if that frown is earnest or fearful.
“But…”But what about us?I want to say, but that’s not a conversation we can have. Not now. I had hoped we’d head to an aftercare room and have it once we were both rehydrated and washed clean. But that was before Lex took to the stage.
I shake my head. “I don’t want to,” I say, and it hurts to lie to Mari, even if part of me feels relief at making this decision.
“Are you sure?” Mari whispers.
There are more voices audible now. Chairs scrape, and there is the clip-clop of footsteps on the wooden floor. Somebody else has come forward.
“It doesn’t matter now.” I nod at a slim, young, femme-presenting person who steps up onto the stage. I don’t recognise them, which isn’t unusual, but I feel a bit unsettled by it. But then I realise that had I known who it was, that probably would have been worse. “We should go find a room for aftercare.”
Mari blinks at me, looks back at the stage, and then at me again. “No,” they say firmly. “I want to stay.”
I glance up at the stage, at Lex shaking hands with the femme. I hear Mother Maria introducing her as Anneke, telling us that she has she/her pronouns. “You want to stay and watch?”
Mari doesn’t look at me when they answer. Their stare is fixed on Lex. “Yes, I want to watch.”
“Okay,” I reply in a quiet voice. “Okay. Let’s go find a table.”
*****
We find a vacant table towards the back of the room, just off the side of the bar. Our distance from the stage means we can’t hear a single word of Lex and Anneke’s discussion, but we can hear the chimingand tinkering sounds of the bar staff at work. Not that I think Lex and Anneke’s conversation is one for all of us. It’s quite clear from their body language and bowed heads that they’re discussing boundaries and swapping safe words. It’s a natural pause in the action, and Mari and I take full advantage to settle into our chairs and catch the attention of a member of staff. We order two soft drinks and two portions of complimentary nuts, and then we sit back and wait.
I don’t know if Mari is finding it hard to take deep breaths or if it’s just me. I wonder if their chest feels tight, their breasts heavy, and if they can feel their blood pumping between their legs.
