Page 70 of Monarch
What I am sure of is that I refuse to let Lex be the reason I lose Roos. Not tonight. Not ever.
“Roos, baby girl.” I bring my other hand to her face and tuck her hair behind her ear. “Let’s go. Let’s go be just us.”
I say it to prompt her memory thatusis now a thing. Isn’t that what we decided on that stage together?
“What are you doing now?” Roos asks, still looking at Lex.
Xe shrugs. “I’m hungry. I need to eat. And probably sleep.”
“You didn’t come,” Roos says, and it’s the last thing I expect her to say – so much so I splutter out an ugly guffaw, an awkward outburst of disgust.
“So what?” I raise my voice, my gaze flitting between Roos and Lex. “So fucking what?”
“Do you want to come?” Roos asks. Her voice is unchanged. Quiet and calm. Maddeningly so.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” I drop her hand.
Lex steps closer to both of us. “No, I don’t want to come. But I do want to take care of you.” Xe turns xir head to me. “Both of you.”
“Fuck no!” I put my hands out.
“Why not?” Roos looks down at me.
“Err, because…” I begin confidently, but then the words dry up. “Because I’m fine. I don’t need looking after.”
“You just did a heavy scene,” Lex tells me in a tone that I want to say is deeply patronising, but maybe that’s just me being an arsehole because technically xe isn’t wrong. “You need aftercare. And Roos…” Xe inches even closer. “I believe I’m right in thinking Roos also just came quite hard, and she needs a quiet space to relax.”
“Yes, I do.” Roos nods. Gone is the confident, exuberant woman who topped me on the stage. Now I’m looking at the Roos who needs to submit, to surrender. And fuck, if I don’t want to give that Roos what she wants, what she needs.
“I agree Roos needs looking after,” I say through a tight jaw, “but I can do that.”
“You can. But you don’t have to.” Lex levels xir stare on me. Every time. Every single time, I forget just how dark and intense and endless xir brown eyes are. It’s impossible to look away even though it feels like it costs me. “It doesn’t mean anything, Mari. It’s just kink. Aftercare. It’s just what happens here at QISS. It doesn’t change anything about what happens outside.”
I would find comfort in Lex’s words if they didn’t also make me think xe can read my mind.
“Please, Mari,” Roos says, and she finds my hand again. Her fingers are trembling as they interlock with mine. She needs to be somewhere warm and now.
“Fine,” I say, and I bravely lock eyes with Lex again as I add, “You can join us.”
Us. Becausefuck, even if it kills me, Roos and me, we will be an us.
*****
Over the last few months, I’ve learned there are four aftercare rooms at QISS, and the one we’re in is the one from my very first night at the club. It feels familiar and provides a thin layer of comfort as I try to ignore just how ill at ease I am with Lex joining us.
My head is a minefield of thoughts and questions as I take a seat on the couch that lines a wall. Wondering why Roos wants this. Imagining how this can possibly play out. Torturing myself with the possibility that this means Roos wants xem more than she wants me, and I will get left behind.
I try to silence the meanest voices. I have read a lot about polyamory in the last three months and have talked to my friend Emmy back home, who has both a girlfriend and a boyfriend. I know enough to remind myself that staying open-minded is key, alongside communication and honesty. But still, in no possible world do Iimagine a dynamic where I have to share Roos with Lex. Not that I would be sharing. I know that’s the wrong word. I just…Fuck. My head is fucked. Everything is fucked. And it’s all because of Lex.
“Happy birthday, by the way,” Roos says to Lex as she comes to sit next to me.
Shit. I recall the date. Yes, it is Lex’s birthday. For so long after we broke up, this day would stand out even though I left it unmarked in my calendar and did my best to ignore it. I suppose over the years, its hold on me weakened. I suppose over the years, Lex’s hold on me weakened.
I should feel pleased by that, but I only feel numb.
“Thank you,” Lex says, and then xe does something that takes my breath away. It’s something I’ve never seen xem do before. It’s something I’ve never imagined xem doing.
Xe kneels in front of Roos and me.
