Page 72 of Monarch
“I mean the charity you founded and run. It’s all about people. It’s all about community. It’s all about helping people literally transform.”
“I guess so.”
“No, there’s no guessing about it. That is literally what you do.” I turn and hold her wrists so she can see how serious I am.
“You know who you sound like?” Roos looks down into my eyes, earnest and serious.
“Who?” I frown.
“Lex.” She nods towards the part of the room where xe is waiting for us.
I roll my eyes at her. “I need conditioner, bitch,” I tease, and she laughs, and… maybe. Maybe we’re going to be okay after all.
*****
Once my hair is conditioned and my body washed thoroughly, it is a gift when Roos lets me wash her hair. I don’t know how she feels about her natural hair – it’s a conversation we’ve only danced around – but I don’t take it for granted that she lets me shampoo and condition it and gently run my fingers through it, removing all the product. I take my time doing it and in washing her body afterwards, knowing that I’m delaying the inevitable. Lex.
“Hey, Roos,” I say with my hand on the shower valve but not ready to switch it off yet. I need the noise of the spray to hide from Lex what I’m about to say. “Did you mean what you said on the stage? Do you want to explore…us?”
Roos covers my hand and turns the water off. “Yes,” she says in the new silence. And maybe she wants Lex to hear. Maybe it’simportant for her, and for me, that Lex hears. “I want an us. I want us to explore that.”
“Good,” I say, because what else can I possibly say? I push up and kiss her lips, water droplets from her cheeks mixing with those on mine. “Good.”
We step out of the shower and wrap ourselves in towels. I find a couple of hand towels for our hair, and we help each other make turbans out of them. We’re holding hands as we re-emerge into the main room where Lex awaits us.
And it looks like xe has been busy. Candles are lit throughout the room on all available surfaces, and the main light has been dimmed down. On the bed are two robes and two pairs of woollen socks. Between them is a basket with various bottles and tubes inside, as well as a hairbrush.
“What’s this?” I demand. I know my tone is too harsh when Roos nudges me.
“It’s your aftercare,” Lex says. Xe isn’t smirking like I have come to expect. Xe is fiddling with the hem of xir vest top in a way I haven’t seen for, fuck, over a decade, and I’m transported back in time. Xe looks exactly the same as xe did ten years ago when xe used to get nervous about a presentation at school or about confessing to xir mum xe got detention, again. I can’t look away from it.
“Amazing,” Roos says, and she wastes no time, dropping her towel and wrapping herself up in a dressing gown. She sits on the bed and starts looking through the items in the basket.
“May I?” Lex reaches for the hairbrush.
Roos nods. “But be gentle. You know I’m hanging on to whatever I’ve got.”
“You’re beautiful,” Lex says, and the angriest part of me wants to yell, ‘that’s my line!’ at xem.
Lex climbs up on the bed behind Roos and starts to brush her hair. At the same time, Roos squeezes out a blob of some product orother and massages it into her face and hands. “God, that feels good,” she says. “Come join us, Mari.”
I want to. That’s the thing that annoys me most. I want to sit there and have my hair brushed by Lex and sniff all the moisturisers in the basket before I pick which one I want. I want to forget about all the years of hurt Lex caused me. I want to focus on the future – on Roos – and do this to make her happy.
I want to, but I can’t.
“I can brush my own hair,” I say. I grab the free dressing gown, throw it over my body, and only drop the towel underneath once it’s securely tied.
“If that’s what you need.” Lex holds out the brush. I grab it without replying.
Roos yawns. “God, I’m so tired. What time is it?”
“Half eleven, last time I checked. You can sleep for an hour or two, if you want,” Lex replies.
“Is that allowed?” I bark.
“Yes,” Lex says simply, and I wait for xem to elaborate, to take this opportunity to educate or patronise me, but instead, they focus on helping Roos get under the covers. “You do look tired.”
“I haven’t been sleeping very well recently,” she explains as her head sinks onto the pillow.
