Page 76 of Monarch
“No, but why would you be afraid of love?” they ask, and it almost sounds like a rhetorical question, so I keep quiet. “You who aren’t afraid of anything – anything! Why would love be the thing that makes you run?”
“You don’t get it,” I say simply, and it’s not a slight against Mari. It’s a fact. They wouldn’t understand because they don’t have the full story. “And I don’t want you to understand.”
A rough harrumph of a sound lifts my gaze to them. They’ve moved sideways in the chair and have folded their arms again, staring at the blank wall opposite Roos’ bed.
We don’t speak for a long time. Long enough for me to replay our conversation three times and see at least ten ways I fucked up. But I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to explain it all in any other way. I’m clueless what Sarah, my therapist, would recommend. I can only see her disappointed face should I tell her about this conversation, which I probably won’t. When this pointless thought exercise frustrates me to the point of giving me a headache, I pull out my phone and start researching everything there is to know about epilepsy.
“What about your work?” Mari interrupts the silence to ask.
“Pardon?” I lift my head.
“Your work. How are you going to be there for Roos, live with her, look after her, and still work? What if your fucking muse or whatever calls? What will you do then?”
“Then I’ll ignore it,” I say, although my confidence comes from the fact that my muse has long ago withered away and died.
“You can afford not to work?”
“Yes, Mari. I can afford not to work.” I don’t mean for it to sound so facetious, but I see the moment it riles Mari up even more.
“Must be nice.”
“You could be there too,” I say. “With Roos. You can come and visit and stay over whenever you want. I’ll sleep on the couch. I hardly sleep anyway.”
“I remember,” Mari says, and I search for a soft hint of nostalgia but it’s nowhere. “I think we should wait and talk to Roos about what she wants.”
“Agreed. I’m just telling you what I’m going to offer her when she is ready to talk about next steps.”
“Well, I’m going to offer the same thing,” Mari says with a self-righteous lift of their voice so adorable I have to bite back a smile. “I’m going to offer to move in and stay with Roos to help her.”
“Okay,” I say quietly. “So we let Roos decide?”
“Yep.” Mari holds my stare, those blue eyes darkening. They’re like looking into the deepest part of the ocean. “We let Roos decide.”
“Fine,” I say.
“Fine,” they repeat, and I look away because I don’t know if I’m about to laugh or cry, but I don’t want to do either.
Chapter Thirty-One
Roos
“So just to summarise,” Dr Timmers says with a kind smile. “Your MRI showed no abnormalities, which is a good sign, but that does mean we want to do some more tests so we can understand what happened.”
“And find out if it’s epilepsy?” I prompt. I glance briefly at Lex and Mari, who are both standing at the end of my bed – although not close together, of course – and I can see Lex is following every word of our conversation intently. Mari, however, is clueless because we’re talking in Dutch.
“Correct. We’d like to do two types of EEGs. One just like we did yesterday, after you came in and the seizure passed. But also a video EEG, which will involve you coming in for an overnight stay in our sleep clinic.”
“Okay,” I say, trying to absorb all this information, which isn’t easy because my brain feels likestamppot.
“But don’t worry,” Dr Timmers says. He’s a middle-aged man with light brown skin and tight grey curls atop his head. “Letters about those appointments will get sent to you. You don’t need to do anything.”
“And what about my medication?” I ask. I vaguely recall talking about it with him when I came round, but I would like further reassurance now I’m slightly more awake. “My estrogen? I can keep taking it?”
“Yes.” He smiles at me. “Please keep taking everything you were already taking. As we discussed yesterday, it is possible that the HRT is a contributing factor, because we do find sometimes a correlation between low testosterone levels and seizure risk in epileptic patients. In any case, further tests and research will help us figure that out. The most important thing you can do is try to avoid stress. Rest, relax, look after yourself.”
I look at Lex and Mari again. Mari’s arms are folded, and they’re very deliberately not looking at Lex, who is offering me a supportive smile. “We’ll make sure she does,” Lex adds in Dutch.
Mari’s eyes flit between xem and me, confused.
