Page 81 of Monarch
“Dinner is served!” Lex announces as xe walks in holding two steaming bowls with cutlery. Xe hands one to me and the other to Roos.
“This smells incredible!” Roos beams at Lex.
“Yeah, it smells great,” I mutter my agreement without looking at xem.
“Well, enjoy,” Lex nods before heading back to the kitchen for xir bowl. Xe returns and sits in the armchair to our left.
We eat in silence, which I have started to find some comfort in. At first, moments of silence with Lex were filled with tension and awkwardness, my head busy both hating and obsessing with xem.But nowadays, I relax into the silence and my brain doesn’t torture me about xem as much. In fact, sometimes, I even forget that xe is there at all. Or maybe, I forget who xe is,was, to me.
“That was so good.” Roos leans forward to put her bowl down on the coffee table in front of us. “But I’m really full already. I’m going to get a glass of water. You both want one?”
We say we do, and then Roos leaves the room. It’s possibly only the fourth or fifth time Lex and I have been in a room alone together since we both moved in, and immediately the comfort I previously felt sharpens into an abrasive awareness of xem. I feel the need to say something, to dull the piercing quiet.
“I remember your mum and grandma making this,” I say, keeping my eyes on my bowl. “With chicken, of course. They always cooked such great meals.”
“It’s their recipe. Minus the tofu.”
I eat another mouthful. “How are they? Your family?”
Lex’s fork stops on its way to xir mouth. It hangs suspended in front of xem. “They’re fine.”
“All your brothers? What are they up to?”
Xe takes a deep breath before replying. “Bodi is married now. Got two kids. Found himself a nice traveller wife. Grandma is very proud. Bart has his own scaffolding company and makes far too much money. Seems to spend it mostly on golfing holidays and his home gym. And Leander, he’s studying for his PhD, believe it or not. In Biochemistry. Mum is so proud.”
“I can imagine,” I say because I can. “Do your grandparents still live at home?”
Xir smile drops, and I think for a second that one of them has passed and I’ve gone and put my foot in it, but xe doesn’t tell me that. Instead, xe just says, “Yeah,” and drops eye contact.
I’m about to open my mouth and ask specifically about xir mum, but a crash from the kitchen – glass smashing on the tiledfloor, a thump as something more solid also hits it – has us both looking up, panicked.
After a second of horrified eye contact, we both leap up and rush to the kitchen. By the time I’m there, I already know what to expect, and yet it’s still a shock. Roos is on the floor, surrounded by shards of glass and a small puddle of water, and she’s convulsing just like she did that night at QISS. I’ve seen two of her seizures since then, but it doesn’t feel like it’s getting easier for me. I’m still consumed with fear. The panic still makes me freeze. I stand and stare at her shaking, tense limbs. My body aches looking at the twist in her neck and the unnatural angle her hands bend in.
“Come on, Mari,” Lex says as xe moves past me and crouches on the floor next to Roos.
“Shit, yeah.” I snap out of my frozen state. I drop to the other side of Lex, and I shrug off my cardigan. I bundle it up and put it under Roos’ head while Lex sets about moving away the closest shards of the dropped glasses.
“Watch her head,” Lex orders calmly. “I’ll make sure the rest of her body is safe.”
Xe has found a tea towel and is mopping up the water so it doesn’t soak Roos. I look down, and Roos’ eyes are fixed straight ahead at the kitchen wall. I move so I’m in her line of sight.
“Talk to her, Mari,” Lex says, and it’s another gentle prompt, not a bark or a demand. I feel a warmth of appreciation wash over me, and then I get to talking.
“I’m here, Roos. We’re both here. Me and Lex. You’re okay, you’re okay.” I reach out and stroke the side of her head, over her silk scarf.
“Okay, 20:17,” Lex says, and I realise xe is looking at the clock on the oven. I remember then that that’s what we’re supposed to do. Note the time her seizure starts and ends. Why am I unable toremember all this clearly? Thank fuck Lex has got xir head on straight.
“It’s okay, Roos, we’re still here,” I say. “You’re doing great.”
Lex settles beside Roos, halfway down her body. Xe keeps looking up and down the length of her, fierce concentration creasing xir forehead. I’m almost overwhelmed with how much Lex cares in this moment. I can almost feel just how much xe loves Roos right now.
I open my mouth to tell Lex how much I hate this for Roos. How scared I am. How I wish this wasn’t happening. But in my head, I hear Lex’s words before mine even formulate.
Don’t let her hear your fear. Don’t let her see how scared you are. She needs you to be strong and reassuring and calm and confident.
So I don’t say it. Instead, I utter more words of comfort for Roos, stroking her cheek and keeping an eye on her breathing and her mouth, making sure she doesn’t swallow her tongue, just like the videos Lex sent me told us to do.
Lex does the same. Xe tells Roos that she’s safe, that it will be over soon, that we’re not going to leave her. I don’t know why, but my brain short circuits, and I take those words into my own heart, letting myself be comforted and soothed by them.
