Page 92 of Monarch
“Get under the covers,” I say.
“Here? What about Mari?”
Xe is talking about how they are lying right in the middle of the bed. Typically, that’s my position. I know it started like that because I was a buffer between them. I forced them to stay apart. I gave them both a focus so they wouldn’t have to think about each other. I was literally keeping them separate.
“They can go in the middle for a change,” I say. Because I don’t want to wake them, yes, but also because I want to see what Lex does.
It’s not a shock when xe agrees, but it’s still a small surprise, a little thrill.
We lay on either side of Mari, slipping under the covers next to them. I face Mari and Lex and prop my head up on my hand, my elbow bent, so I can see Lex over Mari’s head. I realise all three of us are naked right now, and that too is different. Very different.
When Lex mirrors my position, xir head raised above Mari’s, I take that as a sign xe wants to talk.
“Are you okay?” I begin, but I switch to English, hoping this helps xem feel more comfortable talking.
Xe nods at me. “Yeah. That was…kind of epic.”
“Yeah, it was. I meant what I said out there. I’m really proud of you.” It’s a little cowardly, giving xem a compliment but still attaching it to the scene. “Both of you.”
Lex’s eyes flick down to Mari. Xir lips twitch but don’t quite bloom into a smile.
“You were amazing too.” Lex looks right at me, xir big brown eyes wide and earnest. “I feel like you needed to do that. To be in control like that?”
“Yeah, I did. You know I don’t think we’ve discussed this in a long time, but I do really like to be dominant. I think after I transitioned, I always thought submitting made me more feminine, reaffirmed my gender identity, but in the last few years, I feel different. I don’t think I’ve felt more like a woman, more feminine than I did tonight.”
Lex smiles at me, although I notice it doesn’t reach xir eyes. “I am happy you had that. You deserve to feel that kind of validation always.”
“I know,” I agree. “But you know the world isn’t like that. But with you and Mari, the little universe we all share, that’s when I feel it all the time.”
It feels like a risk, referring to us as sharing space and time, but Lex doesn’t flinch. In fact, xe doesn’t reveal much at all. And xe doesn’t say anything either.
“What happened out there?” I venture. This may be my only chance.
“What do you mean?” xe says, but I know it’s a stalling tactic.
“With you and Mari. And before that, when you broke down.”
“I didn’t break down.” Xe looks away and half-scoffs the words out. “It was the scene. It was a lot.”
“But even that was different,” I push a little more. “You choosing to submit like that.”
“It wasn’t my first time submitting,” xe says matter-of-factly. “I’ve been submitting for a while now. With others.”
“With others?” I repeat. I wait for it to hurt, but it doesn’t. Sure, it bruises a little. It makes it harder to swallow, but it’s no surprise. It’s no kick in the teeth. It’s the Lex I know. For my sins, it’s the Lex I love.
“Yes,” xe holds my gaze. “When I’ve been playing without you, I like to submit.”
“Why?”
“Why do we do anything?” Xe raises xir voice from the hushed tone we’ve both been talking in thus far. It’s xir BS voice again.
I sigh and take a moment to gather my thoughts, to decide if this is really how I want this conversation to go.
“You can deny it, Lex, but I know something is happening. Between you and Mari. Between all of us. And I think something is going on with you, too. You know you could try and share it with us. Maybe we could help.”
Lex holds my eye contact, but the rest of xir face twists into something I’ve never seen before. For a shocking second or two, I think xe is going to cry, and that’s an act of vulnerability I have never seen from xem before and have never imagined seeing. But then xe composes xemself and rolls onto xir back so I can no longer see xem.
“There are some things that shouldn’t be shared. There are some things that need to be contained. There are some things that you don’t need to know about a person.” It sounds like xe is talking through gritted teeth.
