Page 96 of Monarch
That’s my mantra as I walk up to the front door – I didn’t take my key ten years ago, didn’t want it – and although my hands are still shaking, I lift them anyway and ring the doorbell.
Chapter Forty
Mari
One Month Later - May
Iwalk in and catch her crying again. It’s the first time in over a week, and my shoulders sink as I sigh with the sadness of it all. It’s not that I thought we were beyond this. It’s not that I thought she was no longer thinking about Lex all the time – I know she is, because I am too – but I had hoped we were moving forward to a place where we could look to the future with optimism rather than dread.
Even if something is missing.
It’s been missing since that night we left QISS at two o’clock in the morning as a pair, when we both thought we’d be going back to our apartment as a three. It’s been missing every day since, as we wake up in bed together and close our eyes at the end of the night, still none the wiser about where Lex is.
I should be angry. Iwantto be angry, and I was for a short while. I was angry with Lex for fucking off. I was angry with Roos for whatever they talked about that made Lex think it was okay to disappear again. I was angry with myself for letting Lex back in.
Because I had. I absolutely had let Lex back into my heart. I don’t know if it happened as xe and I worked together to look after Roos. I don’t know if it happened on the stage at QISS when we were both so blissfully at Roos’ mercy. I wouldn’t be totally shocked if someone told me it happened the very moment I saw xem on Roos’ doorstep after ten years of wondering about xem. Ten years of missing xem.
And now xe has gone. Again.
My anger disappeared a lot quicker than I expected. It was like a passing cloud. It didn’t gather any weight. It wasn’t a storm waiting to happen. It was just a grey blur of regret and rage, and it blew over quickly, a stronger wind taking it away from me.
Because more than angry, I’m worried. I saw something in Lex that night I watched xem painting, and again that night we touched fingertips while Roos flogged us both. I don’t know what it was – I’ve given myself countless headaches trying to decipher what it could be – but I know whatever it is, it’s a source of pain for Lex. A source of pain and possibly the reason xe isn’t here with us right now.
“Don’t try and hide it,” I tell Roos as I dump my bags and unwrap my scarf, hanging it up before moving into the kitchen. I wrap my arms around Roos, and she leans her cheek against the top of my head.
“I’m sorry,” she says with a sniff.
“Don’t be,” I say. “I get it. It sucks.”
“I just don’t understand,” she says for possibly the hundredth time. “I really felt like xe wanted the same things as me. As us.”
“Lex is the only person who knows what Lex wants,” I say, but I question the words as they leave my mouth. What if Lex doesn’t know what xe wants? What if xe has gone away to try and figure that out?
I’ve been doing this a lot in the last month, putting a positive spin on Lex’s disappearance, trying to find ways to explain and justify it. Part of me – the nineteen-year-old who was abandoned by Lex ten years ago – hates myself for doing so, but I can’t seem to stop.
“The only way I can feel better is if I tell myself xe will come back,” Roos says and pushes out of my hold. She looks right into my eyes. “Is that stupid? Am I an idiot for thinking, no,feelingthat xe will come back?”
She puts both of her hands over her heart as if to show me where she feels this, or where she wants this most. I place my hands over hers.
“No, you’re not an idiot. You’re in love with xem,” I explain.
Roos’ laugh is short and harsh. “I think that makes me an even bigger idiot. Who falls in love with somebody who leaves you three times?”
I gaze up into her fog-coloured eyes. “People like us,” I tell her. “People who have big hearts and big love. People like us.”
Roos blinks at me. “You love xem too? You’re in love with xem as well?”
I’m surprised it’s taken Roos this long to ask me this question, and it comes as a relief to answer it now. “Yes. You know I am. I don’t think I ever stopped loving xem, from when xe left me ten years ago.” I smile weakly. “Now who’s the biggest idiot?”
“God, I love you.” Roos pulls me back into an embrace. “You know that, don’t you? You know that my grief about Lex doesn’t mean I love you any less?”
“I do know that,” I say truthfully. While I have now read many books about polyamory and listened to countless podcasts on my cycles to work and back, it seems there was no better lesson in understanding it, appreciating it, valuing it than the act of being in love with two people at the same time. “I understand it completely.”
We stand like that for many long minutes, neither of us wanting to walk away from the other. Roos continues to sniff, but I don’t feel fresh dampness on my hair. I stroke her back and close my eyes, telling myself that this is enough. That one day, our mutual ache for Lex won’t be so big, so significant, so prominent.
I’m about to suggest we go out for dinner – it’s still light outside and May has been treating us to some warm and sunny days – but my phone ringing distracts me.
“I should get that,” I say, and I untangle myself from Roos to find it in my bag. It’s my mum.
