Page 105 of Monarch
“It will take more than this.” Mari squares their shoulders. They are not so easily overcome, and I love them for that.
I love Roos for her eager heart and her quick forgiveness. I love Mari for their guarded curiosity and their rare but well-timed need for certainty.
I nod slower than before. I know it’s going to take more than this. It’s going to take me showing up in ways I couldn’t before every single day of the rest of my life.
But I can’t say that with a silicone ball stuck in my mouth. I’m wearing the gag for a reason. I want to show them I’ve changed before I tell them how and why. I want to surrender to them completely, with my body and my mind, before we get distracted with painful truths. I want to give myself to them like this without them knowing because part of me truly believes if they know what happened to me,whenthey know what happened, they won’t let me do this.
And I can’t bear for that to happen.
I need them to be selfish. I need them to take. I need them to make it hurt. Because then, maybe, I can truly heal.
I hold Mari’s eye contact as they continue to stare at me. I wish I knew what was running through their beautiful, hesitant mind. I wish I could ask them. I wish I could tell them I love them. That I’ve never stopped loving them. That their love was the first true love I knew, and if I have anything to do with it, I’ll never live without it.
A rude tear runs out of my eye, and I curse around the ball gag. I don’t want to cry. Not now, anyway.
But there’s something about that tear that has Mari’s shoulders sinking and their features losing their poise.
They turn to Roos and hold out a hand. “You want to punish the person who broke your heart three horrible times?”
Roos takes her hand and nods. “Yes, I do.”
They both turn to me, and I have never seen such a sweet sight. For just a split second, I allow myself to feel like the monarch-like figure I could appear to be up here on this stage, but I know for certain I am not.
When Mari speaks, their voice is firm and cool and frighteningly beautiful. “Then let’s punish xem. Let’s make xem hurt and cry and repent. Let’s make xem beg for forgiveness.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Roos
Mari’s words feel harsh, each one a poke between my ribs, forcing me to push my joy at Lex’s return to the side for a moment. Because they’re right. Lex has hurt us, and xe should beg for forgiveness. But there is something about doing so in the confines of kink that makes this safer. Lex knows kink and xe respects its rules. Mari and I do too. This will never go too far. And, as it looks like Lex is the one who will be submitting to us, xe has the power to make this stop in a heartbeat.
It's not that I want Lex to feel pain for all xir wrongs, I truly don’t; there has been enough hurt between us all – but I can see that xe needs it. Xir eyes have never looked more pleading. That single tear that escaped was xir cry for help, for hurt. Whatever xe has experienced over the last six months, I suspect, has been building up to this moment. This moment when xe gives xemself to us like this. Bound, naked, alone.
I want to give xem what xe needs. And by the looks of it, so does Mari.
They lead me up the side stairs and onto the stage. We stand in front of Lex again, this time closer.
“Do you want us to remove the gag so you’re able to use your safe word?” Mari asks, all level-toned. I don’t know how they manage it. I feel like my heart has climbed halfway up my throat.
Lex shakes xir head.
“You still need to be able to safe out,” Mari points out, rightly. “To do so, you need to get our attention and then blink three times when one of us is looking at you.”
Lex nods.
“Do it now,” Mari orders.
Lex blinks three times.
Mari gives xem a satisfied nod. “I trust whoever put you up on the cross checked your circulation? I need you to promise you’ll safe out as soon as you feel any pins and needles anywhere.”
Lex nods.
Mari then turns to me, their voice lower. “What are you thinking?”
I look back at Lex. I’ve never seen xem look so small, so fragile. Xir nakedness reveals just how petite xir physical form is, and xir tattoos look more playful than intimidating in the bright stage lights, like a child has had their way colouring all over xir skin.
“I want to make xem come,” I say, loud enough for Lex to hear. Xe makes a noise of protest, and I snap my head to xem so I can hold xir eye contact. “I want to make xem come over and over and over again. I want to make xem come so much it hurts.”
