Page 1 of Monarch
Prologue
Mari
Ten Years Ago
“Get on your knees and stay there, paparùda,” Lexi says with a sternness I don’t know if I like or loathe. Regardless of my feelings, I obey. My knees hit the carpet with a soft thud, and I hold my breath, not knowing what is going to come next. The rough pile irritates my skin even through my corduroy dungarees, but I know better than to reach down and scratch or adjust myself.
“Very good,paparùda,” Lexi comments with only half-interest as they wander around their bedroom. Still, they’re using their pet name for me.Paparùda. It means butterfly in Romani, a language Lexi doesn’t speak fluently, but they told me it’s one of the childhood names their mother and grandmother used for them, and so I feel it has to mean something that they’ve given it to me.
When Lexi and I took our friendship to…another level a little over a year ago, I never expected us to end up here, playing around with kink on Christmas Eve in their childhood bedroom. But here we are.
Muffled noises come from the TV and Lexi’s family in the living room directly below us, and I do my best to ignore them, to lose myself in the scene, which is what I read in a book I should call these sessions of ours. But it’s hard to ignore the coughing and chatting and advert jingles coming up through the floorboards.
There are always hordes of people in Lexi’s house; their mum, their grandparents, their three older brothers, often an aunt or an uncle or both, and more regularly a handful of cousins. When I think about it while laying in my bed at home, where only Mum and hergirlfriend Dove live with me, I don’t know how they all fit into Lexi’s small council flat house, but somehow, they do. They all fit in and never complain about the noise, or about the way only their grandfather decides what channel to watch, or about sitting on the floor because they’ve run out of chairs. I’ve always envied Lex the comfort of having so many people right there, because even though I never wanted for anything – my mother has always gone above and beyond to stay close to me, and my fathers are just a short car ride away – I often felt lonely growing up as a single child.
I would never tell Mum this, but when I’m at Lexi’s house, I feel part of a real family, which is why I jumped at the chance to spend Christmas with them all when Lexi asked. Actually, it wasn’t Lexi who offered; it was their mum, but either way, I accepted very willingly.
“Do you think you should be punished?” Lexi asks as they come to a stop directly in front of me.
“For what?” I immediately protest, my eyes flying up to them.
They stand there with their hands on their hips and a very displeased expression on their face. Lexi is shorter than me and much slimmer, too. Their grandmother is Roma, and her dark eyes and classically elegant features seemed to have skipped their mother, who has Lexi’s English grandfather’s fair colouring. But it didn’t skip Lexi. Lexi has these sparkling brown eyes, thick curled eyelashes, and strong features that capture attention immediately. Not that they seem to do anything to enhance it. Their perpetually messy hair is currently piled on top of their head, revealing an undercut that’s growing out slower than they’d like. They’re wearing a huge, bright-green Grinch fleece jumper that swamps their small frame, but even so, they always seem to take up more room than anybody else. They always seem so big and imposing. And as I often wonder to myself, I don’t know if that’s something I love about them or something I’m irrationally jealous of.
“Did I say you could speak?” Lexi demands.
“No, but technically, we didn’t really talk about what we were going to do. You just told me to get on my knees, and now you’re saying I need punishing, but for what?”
Lexi tuts at me, and their stoic expression melts into immediate annoyance.
“The book I read about kink said that we should talk about boundaries and expectations and have a safe word,” I explain.
Lexi flops down on their bed, just to my side. “Jesus, you read one book, and you think you’re a fucking expert.”
I get off my knees and sit next to them. Not close enough to touch, but close enough all the same. “I’ve never called myself an expert. I thought it was a good idea after we started playing around with…this new dynamic.”
“But it’s not going to be fun if we have to talk through every single thing we’re going to do before we do it.” Lexi reaches for their phone. I already know they’re not going to look back at me, and I may as well end this conversation now if I know what’s good for me.
Lexi has always been fiery. They don’t do anything they don’t want to do. They are independent and assertive and occasionally aggressive. Sometimes, they’re a bit facetious and feisty, if I’m being completely honest, but that’s what pulled me close to them. That’s what I liked.
Like. I still like it. I just always find it hard when they disengage from a conversation that’s important to me, like this one.
“Look,” I try one last time, “we’re new to this. To kink. It’s okay for us to fuck up sometimes.”
“You’re the one who pulled me out of ‘the scene.’” Their air quotes feel like a slap in the face.
I tell myself they care enough to argue with me, and that’s something. Even if they aren’t calling mepaparùdaanymore.
“I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to clarify some boundaries before we started. Jesus, it’s not like I’m being unreasonable here.”
Fine. I admit it. I can be a bit feisty too sometimes.
“Boundaries,” Lexi snorts, their eyes still pinned to their phone. “You sound like a middle-aged white woman’s self-help podcast.”
And you sound like a five-year-old, I want to scream, but I don’t. Instead, I reach for their hand. “Listen, it’s Christmas. Your whole family is downstairs watchingHome Alone. Why don’t we go join them?”
Lexi suddenly throws their phone to the side and pulls their hand away from mine. “Actually, we should probably talk about something.”
Stunned by this, I blink several times at them. I can’t tell if the lurch in my stomach is one of nerves or hope. Lexi never starts conversations like these. When I realised I had feelings for Lexi that were more than platonic and I sensed they felt the same, it was me who brought it up. When it came to saying ‘I love you,’ I did it first. It was me who suggested we go on holiday together for the first time – a weekend in Brighton – and yeah, I guess it was me who said we should spend Christmas together after their mum suggested it a month or so ago.
