Page 97 of Making It Burn
The words hung in the air between us.
My father blinked.Once.Twice.Then he took a sip of his scotch, set his glass down, and said, “Okay.”
I stared at him.“Okay?”
“Yes.Okay.”He leaned back in his chair.“Is that all?”
“Is that—” I laughed, the sound slightly hysterical.“Dad, I just came out to you.That’s not an ‘okay’ kind of thing.That’s a big deal.”
“It’s a big deal to you,” he said gently.“And I’m honored you felt you could tell me.But Mason, your being gay doesn’t change who you are.You’re still my son, and you’re brilliant, successful, and someone I’m incredibly proud of.”
My throat tightened.“You’re...you’re okay with it?”
“Of course I’m okay with it.”He frowned.“Did you think I wouldn’t be?”
“Um, yes.I thought...”I ran a hand through my hair.“I don’t know what I thought.That you’d be disappointed.Or angry.Or—”
“Mason.”My father leaned forward, his expression serious.“I’m going to say something, and I need you to really hear it.Are you listening?”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry.”His voice cracked slightly.“I am so, so sorry that I made you feel you couldn’t tell me this.That I was so emotionally distant, so focused on work and success and maintaining appearances, that my own son didn’t feel safe enough to be honest with me.”
“Dad—”
“No, let me finish.”He cleared his throat.“I know I haven’t been the most...expressive father.I know I focused too much on your achievements and not enough on you as a person.And I know—” He paused, his eyes bright.“I know that’s why you’ve been carrying this alone.Because I never gave you a reason to think I’d be supportive.”
“It’s not your fault—”
“It is my fault.At least partially.”He picked up his glass again, his hand shaking slightly.“Caroline’s been on me about this for months.About being more present, more open, more...human.She said I was pushing you away with my expectations and my emotional unavailability.I didn’t understand what she meant until now.”
I couldn’t process what I was hearing.
“When did you know?”my father asked.“That you were gay?”
“High school.Maybe earlier.I don’t know.”I took a shaky breath.“But I knew by the time I left for college.”
“And you’ve been hiding it for...?”
“Ten, twelve years.Give or take.”
My father closed his eyes.“God, Mason.All those years of carrying this alone.I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t know—”
“I should have.”He opened his eyes, and they were wet.“I should have been the type of father you felt you could tell.I should’ve been better.”
We sat in silence for a moment, both of us drinking our scotch, both of us trying to process what had just happened.
“For what it’s worth,” my father said finally, “Caroline figured it out, and told me what she suspected.”
I laughed despite myself.“Of course she did.”
“She’s perceptive.And she likes you.”He smiled slightly.“She’s been trying to get me to...I don’t know, bond with you more.Be more involved in your life.I thought she was being dramatic, but apparently, she was right.”
“I bet she usually is.”
“Don’t tell her that.Her ego’s big enough already.”He paused.“Is there someone?Someone special?”
