Page 23 of The Bones We Break
Placing the damp cloth and spray on the counter top I wipe my hands onto my pants. I’m nervous, why am I nervous? What if Ricky is playing a cruel joke on me? Testing me to answer the door. After taking a beating from speaking to our neighbour I flat out refused to leave the house again. The only company I have is my own so the doorbell ringing is sending me off kilter.
I can do this.
It’s just the door.
I fist my hands then proceed to stretch out my fingers to ease some of the anxiety before stepping slowly towards the front door. Coming face to face with the sleek wood, I press my face against it, peering through the peephole. My brows furrow when I don’t see anyone, and I pull back to see if the bell rings again but it doesn’t. I should back away and pretend it never happened, but what if someone is hurt?, and I’ve just walked away.
Turning away, I try to give myself a kick up the ass to justopen the Goddamn door. Ricky will never know, I could just pull it open and close it in a matter of seconds. He’ll be none the wiser. My curiosity overrides the anxiety that’s swirling in my stomach. Making the choice, I spin again to face the door and turn the heavy metal lock, hearing it click open, the noise echoes around the eerily silent house. My hand trembles as I place it on the handle, sucking in a breath, I push it down in one singular motion.
I did it.
I opened the door.
Pulling the handle towards me I take a peak around the door through the gap, the noises of birds entering the home, the warm breeze fanning my face. I bask in the simple pleasures of the outside world before getting back to the task at hand and open the door wider before taking a small step around the door, my foot coming in contact with a small brown box on the door mat. Fear has me in a chokehold as I lift my gaze and scan the street to see if anything is out of the ordinary. We live in a relatively quiet and safe area so it’s no surprise when I see everything exactly how it always is.
Quickly, I take a step back into the house, my focus locked onto the brown box, wary of its contents as if a dreaded creature will leap out and swallow me whole. I crouch down to take a closer look and nothing seems to be strange about it. Both ends of the box have been sealed in a clear tape and my name and address have been handwritten.
Wait, my name? And it’s my maiden name.
Bringing my hands closer to the box, my heart beats harshly through my chest as I inch closer until I have it in my grasp. Standing quickly I shove the door closed with my leg before making my way back into the kitchen and dropping the box ontothe kitchen island as if it burned me.
Brushing my fingers over the surface, I trace over the hand writing, wracking my brain on where I’ve seen it before but coming up empty.
“You’ll never know if you don’t open it, Ana.” I chastise myself then lift it up again to inspect every inch of it before placing it back down, then I open one of the drawers on the kitchen island and locate a box cutter. Pushing the small blade up through the plastic handle until it pokes out of the top, I bring it to the box and slice through the tape with ease before returning it back to the drawer. I take a deep inhale, squeeze my eyes shut and lift the lid in one swift movement and wait.. I wait for something to jump out, or to explode, just something, but nothing happens. Prying my eyes open like I’m waiting for a jump scare, I see a brown envelope that looks quite chunky, alongside a smaller white one with the same handwriting on the front and a rectangular black box. Pushing the lid further back I pick up the white envelope first, my finger tracing over the writing before spinning it around to lift the seal. I find what looks like a letter inside, the faint writing is shown on the opposite side. Carefully, I slide it out of the envelope, and open the perfectly folded paper, neat black writing comes into view.
I read the first line and my heart sinks into my stomach.
My father.
I stumble against the kitchen island, my entire world falling from underneath me. I brace a hand against the edge of the island to keep myself stable.
Why would my father send me a letter? It’s been years, decades even without any contact. I made the decision for myself to leave that home, to leave my only family behind. I can’t help but feel sceptical over the letter, I guess in my mind Iwas never convinced that my father would change his ways and I’m still not fully convinced now. I wonder if my mother knows about the letter, I’d like to think she was the one to push him to contact me.
A million questions fly around my mind like a tornado, a tension headache slowly starts to brew behind my eyes and I push my fingers into the sockets to ease the pressure. I need to get this over with before Ricky comes home and finds the box before I’ve even had the chance to look at its contents properly. Taking a seat at one of the stools that line the island I rest my feet against the bottom bar and pull the box closer to me then proceed to open the letter fully.
To my daughter, Annabelle. I’m sorry. I know that one single word will never be enough to right the wrongs I’ve committed against you, against your mother, but I want you to believe me when I say that I am truly sorry. I’ve failed you as a father, and I failed your mother as a husband. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, but my greatest mistake will always be the ones that hurt you. I let the gambling and money take over my life and I lost sight of what was important and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that.
The day you left our home was the day my world truly ended, my little girl didn’t want to live with us any more, because of me and it’s taken me all these years to finally own up to my mistakes. I know I should have done it sooner and I wish I had, I really do, because I’ve wasted so many years of my life wallowing in self pity when I could have been making them up to you, and to your mother. I was hurting and I was angry at the world, and at myself, but that doesn’t excuse my behaviour. I love you and your mother more than life itself and I now have to atone for the sins I’ve done. I hope you can understand my decision to do what I have done and know thatyou are strong. A lot stronger than I ever was.
I quickly drop the first page of the letter onto the counter top, the words from my father burning into my soul. Heavy tears start to well in my eyes, my vision blurring behind the clear droplets, blinking my eyes I allow them to fall, the endless stream that feels like it never ends. I take a breather, my lungs crying out for me to take a full breath. Picking up the second page, I begin to read again.
My love, there are things you need to know, things that will leave you with heartbreaking questions that I know you’ll want the answers too. Your husband is a very dangerous man, Annabelle and I hope with every fibre of my being that you haven’t had to figure that out for yourself, that I’m not too late to warn you. But if I am too late, then know that you can escape this, that you’re stronger than you think you are and you will make it out on the other side. You came into this world kicking and screaming and I have no doubts that you will fight with everything you have to leave this part of you behind. You’re probably wondering how I know who your husband is and I must be truthful.
Years ago, when you were younger I found myself in trouble with some terrible people, they were threatening my family and I needed money to keep them off my back. A friend put me in contact with Mr Ricky De Rossi. I should’ve known I was making a deal with the devil from that moment but I was stupid, an idiot to ask your husband for money, but I did it anyway to protect us. I was supposed to pay these people off but I didn’t. I gambled the money away, in Mr De Rossi’s casino. I don’t know what I thought I was going to achieve by doing this but it’s a mistake that I’ll never be able to make right. I ruined everything for us that day and my actions came to claim me when Mr De Rossi turned up on our doorstep, askingfor me. I knew right away that I was about to be dragged to hell but I was weak, I was scared so I lied. I lied about the money, about knowing who he was and what he was there for and that led to one of the most gut wrenching moments of my life.
My fingers shake the page, the words blurring in front of me. I always knew my father’s gambling addiction would catch up with him one day but I never thought he would go to someone like Ricky for money, and then make the stupid mistake of not paying him back.
I’m so hurt and disappointed, my heart breaking in my chest. I can’t even say I’m surprised that my own father would let me down like this, let our family down for the sake of money. My nerves twist and pull in my stomach at the thought of what the words will bring on the final page. I don’t waste a moment longer before dropping the paper and picking up the last one.
I’m struggling to find the right words to tell you what you deserve to know so I feel it’s best to just write it down and hope that it will make sense, but I know it won’t hurt any less. After your husband paid us a visit I thought that was it, but I was so very wrong. Me and your mother both woke up in our kitchen, tied to the kitchen chairs. I’ll save you gruesome details, but just know that it was my fault we ended up how we did. I failed your mother in the worst way and betrayed you in the process. I should have just told the truth and fought harder for you both but I didn’t and now, God, I’m so sorry Annabelle. Your wonderful mother is no longer with us. I wish I could explain all this in person, this pointless letter will never be enough to show you how truly, truly sorry I am. I hate that all you have are these words and these words will never be enough. Mr De Rossi put your mother through hell that day and I did nothing, whilst handing you over to the devil simultaneously. I know bynow that you will probably never forgive me and I wouldn’t blame you either. I can’t forgive myself and I will forever deserve the pain and torment that came with my choices.
When this letter is delivered I probably won’t be here, but just know that you deserve better in everything. Along with this letter there’s another envelope that has 10k cash in it, the money is clean and it’s yours to start a new life with. There’s also a burner phone in the box that you will probably need. When the time comes, there will be a motel a couple of miles from your home that you can stay at, no questions asked. Just tell the woman at the front desk who sent you and she will keep you safe until you need to move on. I’ll leave the address at the bottom of this letter, so keep it safe. I’m so sorry that you have to find out everything this way but if I can make a small attempt at helping you now, then that’s exactly what I will do.
I love you, sunshine. Forever and always. Dad. X
I release the remaining page of the letter from my grasp and watch it fall to the countertop, meeting the other two. What feels very much like my whole world comes crashing down around me, the pain in my chest is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I can practically feel the muscle enclosed in my rib cage cracking in half. My husband had a hand in my parents’ deaths and I never knew. This whole time I thought they were just living somewhere far away, that they were safe and I somewhat made peace with that but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Pure rage and anger burn through my insides like lava, setting my entire being on fire. My hands fist until my knuckles turn white, my nails biting into my palms creating crescent moon indentations. I feel like I’m losing my mind. That I could burn this place to the ground with myself inside just to stop this excruciating heartache that I’m feeling. Sobs splutter out of my mouth, shaking my shoulders until I struggle to catchmy breath. The unearthly noise that leaves my voice box is unnatural, it’s demonic. I squeeze my eyes together until bursts of glitter explode behind my lids and I cry.
