Page 40 of Sleepless in Saunton
His own scent of ink, leather, and spices she could not quite place was intoxicating to her senses, and she wanted to be enchanting to the gentleman who made her heart sing and mind awaken to new possibilities.
She recalled how Tatiana had spoken of her life when her mother had still been with them. How they had traveled with Barclay to the various building sites, and Jane grew excited at the possibility of such a life. Perhaps she could compose poetry and spend time with Tatiana while he was engaged in work. She would have the opportunity to explore England and meet many new people.
It sounded idyllic, reminding her of Emma’s words from the day she had departed Saunton Park. Her sister had reminded her that she had once spoken of traveling, that she liked to write, and that she would like her own children.
With Barclay, she would access all these activities, including gaining a lovely young daughter—a sweet girl whose company she enjoyed.
Was she mature enough to assume such a role? To be a mother to a nine-year-old?
Jane bit her lip, assuring herself she could muddle her way through. Tatiana had announced her willingness for such a relationship, and there had been no indication when talking to the grandmother that it was a regular occurrence.
She and Barclay might be at different stages in the journey of life, but she would commit herself to catching up. Whatever it took, she would do it because for the first time she could envision spending her life with one specific man and she knew in her soul that he would be worth any troubles she might encounter. What relationship did not have troubles to overcome?
Jane hurried with the strawberries. She needed to find her morning coffee in the library and then find Barclay.
* * *
Aurora continuedto twist her fingers in her lap while Barclay waited for his mother to speak. Eventually, she sighed as if accepting a dark fate and spoke.
“I told you that Grandmama—my mother—was a member of the committee, which is why I so desperately wanted to be accepted?”
“You did.”
“I did not tell you about the day Grandmama was expelled from the society.”
Barclay frowned. Indeed, that fact had never been mentioned. He had always assumed that she had remained part of the group. By the time he was old enough to be aware of his mother and grandmother as individuals with their own hopes and dreams, the topic of the committee had faded into the past.
“It was a few weeks after you were born. I had returned to London with Mama, and we were settling into life with a new babe in the house.”
“What happened?”
“Word was slow to spread at first, but then overnight, it seemed everyone knew about that Thompson girl with the bastard.”
Barclay sank back into his chair. His mother had never told him what it was like when he was born. She never complained about the situation, and all he knew were the accumulated observations since he had reached an age to be included in adult conversations.
His gaze found the ceiling, and he scowled harder than he ever had at the cornices to quell the disquiet he felt to hear Aurora’s anguish as she recalled the past.
“One night, I was returning from your room. We had my old nanny to assist me, but I spent as much time as I could with you, and so I was passing the drawing room. The door had not latched properly when I had left them earlier, so I could overhear their conversation. I … I had never heard … my mother cry before that night.”
Barclay’s gut roiled in protest. He squeezed his eyes closed as Aurora continued to tell her story.
“Mama was crying and Tsar was comforting her. She wept because they had abruptly severed their ties with her. That night I learned how hard she had worked to be accepted when she arrived in England, how joining the committee had been one of her great triumphs, and how the day they had accepted her had been a victory for her in her new life. How she had worked diligently as a member of the society and was proud of the charitable work she had done as a member … I could not believe it.”
“Could not believe what?”
“That I had been so foolish with the earl. That I had allowed him to seduce me into hurting my family. She was such a good mama, and I caused her pain with my selfish, foolhardy choices.”
Barclay himself was beating back the anguish that he was the cause of four generations of Thompson pain. His grandmother had always been so happy and steadfast. Thinking of her weeping as she lost control of her social status, how his mother had suffered, how Tatiana would suffer in the future, Barclay had never missed Natalya more than he did right at this moment.
He had fumbled with attempting to court young English women in his youth, only to have fathers slam their doors in his face. Meeting Natalya’s father in St. Petersburg and being so warmly welcomed to stay in his home, then meeting Natalya later that night to experience the same warm welcome, had been one of the best days of his life.
That a beautiful young woman like her had willingly accepted his proposal, then waved a hand at the snubs she experienced when she arrived in England, had been such a compliment.
Natalya had brushed it aside to assure Barclay that the doors closed to her would have been closed no matter what his parentage had been.“They would have snubbed me for being Russian regardless. There is no harm, Barclay,”she would assure him.
Barclay returned to the present when Aurora continued talking. “I vowed no matter what it took, I would gain a place on the committee in order to honor my mother.” Aurora gestured at the letter. “Obviously, that vow will never be fulfilled. I know it is inconsequential in the grand scope of life, but I feel I have let my mother down all over again.”
Barclay felt his heart crack in his chest, for he had let his own mother down. This connection to the earl had been about opening doors for Aurora. For Tatiana. And this letter proved nothing had changed.
