Page 20 of Caroline Saves the Blacksmith
Truly? That is the first thing you could find to say?
Caroline squared her shoulders. She should be proud of what she had said. Her voice had been confident, giving no sign of her inner disturbance. It was best to act like nothing had happened and just attend to the man as the doctor had requested.
What was it about the holiday season that brought such vulnerable, private thoughts to the surface? If only it were a normal day and she could work on her walking dress. And if it were a normal day, the doctor would have found someone else to attend William Jackson and she would not now be confronted with the knowledge that her character was just as flawed as it had been two years ago. She had not matured at all. No, she had just discovered that she was still a flighty girl who could not be trusted around men, which was why she stayed far away from personal relationships.
No men, no opportunities to betray my friends.
No friends, no opportunities to betray them and lose their regard.
Work was the answer to her flaws. It kept her from making horrible mistakes and costing her beloved friendships.
William’s voice was hoarse when he finally responded, “That would be appreciated.”
Caroline gave a nod and left the room to make a pot of tea.
* * *
William had kissed the modiste.Yet, he could not find it in him to regret it. She had resuscitated his dead heart and made it beat again. It was as if he had been deceased for five years and suddenly awakened to find an entire world of possibilities.
He was grateful she had moved away and offered the tea because the truth was, he was currently overcome. After detaching from his emotions for so long, he did not know what to do with the powerful feelings rushing up. He needed to accustom himself to this altered perspective.
What a revelation to discover that he had been punishing himself needlessly. He agreed with dream Caroline—he would best honor Charles’s memory by respecting his sacrifice and building a future while his cousin remained in his memories.
But what did that mean?
Where do I go from here?
William had broken off the kiss, realizing he did not know what path he was careening down. His body had screamed at the interruption, determined to lay with the fine woman who had shown him a different way to think. Who had shared her optimism and did not know the repercussions of her advice.
He needed to find his footing. The future must be considered, and he would need a little time to adjust to the revelations of his dream and work through his thoughts. He did not know what he desired now.
But holding Caroline in his arms had been an unadulterated delight. He would gladly have continued, but that was not fair to her when he had no plans to pursue a courtship, or any relationships. After losing Charles as he had done, forming close connections was a mistake. He had just been handed the keys to the gaol, and he was hardly going to walk out, then walk right into another one. After five long years, he had just found his freedom, and he was going to take full advantage of it.
He should work out what he wanted, and he could not involve another person in the melee of his life as he opened his mind to reevaluate how he had been living. Yet he owed his newfound potential to her. Caroline had unlocked the despair in which he had been buried and shown him there were alternative paths to follow.
But what paths?
His business was a success, mostly due to his single-minded commitment to his work. He was at a point in his life where he could still reshape it. Income and work were not hindrances, so he just needed to decide what he wanted to do with this uncovered potential for happiness.
Blast, how did I reach this crossroad so swiftly?
Mere hours ago, he had clung to his state of numbness, shouldering the burden of guilt that beat him into a condition of unfeeling survival. Apparently, changing one’s mind could be accomplished in an instant. Or in a recurring nightmare with a fresh infusion of perspective.
The only question that remained was …What do I want?
He was a man with no ties or commitments outside of his work and sending money to his uncle and aunt, so he had the means to follow almost any future he desired. He could travel, perhaps visit the fields of Waterloo to pay his respects to his cousin. Or visit Italy and take in the sights of Ancient Rome. He could even move to the Americas if he wished.
The future might be an unanswered question, but he was grateful to the young woman for showing him he could accept his past without dishonoring Charles. She had no inkling the effect that she had had with her advice to count his blessings.
THE PRESENT
Caroline was humming her carol in the kitchen. William was pleased to hear evidence that she had returned to her good spirits as she boiled water and moved around the back room.
Soon she returned with a tea tray, which included the rolled wafers she had given him earlier. He sat up slightly so he might drink his tea, while Caroline took a seat on the table before exploring his leg with gentle fingertips.
“The swelling appears reduced,” she finally declared before standing to go take her seat on the other settee with her cup and saucer.
William shifted uncomfortably, putting his tea down while he tried to think about what to do.
