Page 37 of Caroline Saves the Blacksmith
“She provided me a reference and had Mrs. Harris find me the position with the doctor.”
Well … that was unexpectedly generous. Caroline might not be overstating their friendship if the young woman had seen to her future despite her anger.
“And did she marry the Earl of Saunton?” Lord Saunton had a country estate nearby, and he had married recently, but William was not sure whom he had married.
“Nay, Miss Annabel married the Duke of Halmesbury.”
William’s head snapped up. “The duke? From here in Wiltshire?”
“Yes. You know of His Grace?”
“Of course! His country seat is just two hours south of Chatternwell. But, Caroline, did Miss Annab—Her Grace refuse your apology?”
Caroline buried her face even deeper into his shoulder, hesitating for several seconds before admitting in a muffled voice, “I never apologized.”
“Why?”
“She sent me away, and I never had the opportunity.”
“Have you tried to write to her or obtain an audience since then?”
“No, but … she would not want to see me.”
William considered her words and realized he had been in a similar situation to Caroline. Locked in his regrets over Charles, he had lost all perspective. “Why does this prevent you from accepting my courtship?”
“I vowed I would not form any connections after what I did. I cannot be trusted. No one should trust me, least of all a husband. What if I betrayed you?”
William frowned in confusion. “When did this happen?”
“Two years ago.”
“And have you done anything similar?”
“No. I cannot be trusted.” Caroline repeated the earlier words as if she were reciting lines. As if she had told herself these words on too many occasions and truly come to believe them. She was an intelligent young woman when it came to her business, or to helping others. But, like him, she was irrational when it came to herself and her own worth.
“Then I stand by what I said. You made a single mistake, and I do not believe you will do so again, given that you have refrained from all personal connections since it happened. I remain committed to my desire to court you.”
Caroline raised her head to stare at him. “My character does not repulse you?”
“I am not repulsed. We have all made mistakes, and you regret yours deeply. I will not hold them against you when you have shown me such kindness.” Was she truly unaware of what a marvel she was? She had taken Annie Greer under her wing, and provided the little girl with coin when she needed it most. Annie was learning a useful trade for her future. Not to mention that Caroline had risked her reputation to nurse him on Christmas Eve and, with her words, had rescued him from the shadows. He had to help her let go of the past, as she had helped him to do. “I wish to court you, sunshine.”
He could see she was thinking about it, his mouth growing dry with nervous anticipation. Now that she had confessed the truth and received his heartfelt reassurance, would she relent on her vow? Seconds stretched into minutes as her feelings flittered across her features, and William bit his lip to remain silent and not interrupt as she tried to reach a decision.
“I cannot.” Her words cracked the silence, a deafening blow. William’s free hand came up to his chest, certain he would find it cracked open and bleeding his life essence. He had awoken from years of being half dead, to fall violently in love over the span of a few hours, only to have his esteem rejected.
Surely his heart had physically snapped in two?
Releasing her, he tried to think what to say next. Lifting a hand, he rubbed it over his beard, quelling the urge to tear at his hair in his desolation.
To make matters worse, he suspected he was being selfish.
He had found a lifeline to happiness and grabbed it with both hands, hauling himself to shore with all his strength. But what of Caroline? What of her needs? She was in agony over what she had done to her mistress, and he could only commiserate, being well aware of how guilt could cut through one’s soul to leave one broken and bleeding. To be certain that there was nothing left to live for, not a solitary blessing to cling to.
With great reluctance, William admitted what she needed. And currently it was not him. The only possible step to take was to release her.
It was the hardest thing he had ever done, other than witness Charles’s death, but he did it regardless. Because Caroline needed him to do it and he could not possibly achieve his future dream of them together without putting her first. No matter how long it took, he would eventually bring them back together. But only if he allowed them to part first.
He lay back, fighting his instincts to do what was right. “I … understand.”
