Page 58 of Long Live the Baron
Lily glared at him, chewing on her lip. “Pshaw!”
Brendan wanted to tell her what she needed to hear, but he wanted to be honest, too. He was not clear what his feelings for Lily were exactly, only that she had made him feel hope. Hope that they could build a strong future together, hope that their affinity would continue to grow, and hope that he could one day experience a genuine meeting of the minds with this woman.
But until he had achieved clarity of his feelings, he did not want to say things he was not sure of. He and Lily had been honest with each other since the morning of their wedding, and he did not want to throw out words without sorting it all out. That would take time—the words could not be forced. They had only just been wed three days ago, confound it!
Stalking back to the settee, she flopped down to stare at her slippers peeking out from below the hem of her emerald dress. She was splendid in the jewel tones she had been wearing recently. But that was neither here nor there while they were quarreling.
Brendan sat back down and waited for her to speak.
“I wish … you had chosen me,” she finally admitted in a small voice, her voice thick. “All my life, I just wanted someone like you to notice me. To choose to wed me. To …” She pressed her lips together, before finally continuing, “I cannot even walk the halls of my home without one of the Johns, and now that … trollop … has invaded …”
Lily’s eyes welled with tears, and he ached for the sweet girl who was shouldering so much because of him. Brendan could not deny that Lily was in the right, and he had no defense for the risks she had taken on his behalf. He owed her everything, which confused his thoughts more.
Do I have genuine regard for Lily, or am I merely grateful?
Certainly it would take more than a single conversation and a few hours in her company to uncover the truth of it? If he could, he would open his mouth and assure her they were forming a genuine match, but he needed … clarity. Room to breathe.
“I am sorry for everything you have had to deal with.”
Lily’s face hardened once more, and Brendan realized he had said the wrong thing. Perhaps she wanted different words from him, but he did not have them to give yet.
“Sophia has invited me to Saunton Park, so I do not have to live with my parents. She said I could stay with them at Balfour Terrace until they leave London, so I believe … I shall accept her offer.”
Brendan felt a surge of disappointment. But after everything he had put Lily through, he was hardly in a position to debate what she chose to do in response to the danger she was in. He had asked so much of her; it was only fair to acquiesce to her wishes.
“That would be wise.”
A flash of something crossed Lily’s face. She seemed unhappy that he had conceded, and Brendan was at a loss for what to say. Once her safety was secured, they would finally have the time to mend their rapport.
CHAPTER16
“The general who advances without coveting fame and retreats without fear of disgrace, whose only thought is to protect his country and to do good service to his sovereign, is the jewel of the kingdom.”
Sun Tzu, L’Art de la Guerre (The Art of War)
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AUGUST 1, 1821
Michaels directed the maids to pack Lily’s trunks with a sour expression on his lined face. What a relief it would be to get away from Ridley House, so she no longer had to look over her shoulder, wondering if Michaels or one of the footmen were going to attack her out of its many shadows.
After providing instructions, she left the servants to it and descended to eat her breakfast, with first John at her heels like a heavy-breathing shadow. She and Brendan had parted ways the night before after agreeing she would move her things to Sophia’s home, and Lily had sent a note to her cousin before having her dinner brought to her bedroom on a tray. Brendan had remained downstairs when she had retired, and if he had come upstairs, it was after she had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, with the sound of second John shifting about out in the hall.
It had been a miserable night, with Lily berating herself for foolishly falling in love with a man who had been forced into a marriage with her. She should have protected her heart while she waged her campaign to win his regard.
Entering the breakfast room, she noted with disappointment that Brendan was nowhere to be seen. She wished she could see him before she left. They had not discussed when they might reunite, but she supposed that it would have to wait until this murder investigation was resolved once and for all.
I am not admitting defeat.
She was merely retreating in order to plan her future without the threat of impending danger or wicked widows invading her home.
Reassuring herself did little to fend off the disappointment she had been feeling since finding the ravishing Lady Slight draped over her equally handsome husband. She could not shake the thought that she could never hope to compete. Brendan was sartorial elegance, and Lady Slight was a practiced seductress. The notion that little Lily Billy could hope to be a contender for his affections was laughable. He might be attempting to keep his word and remain faithful to their marriage of friendship, but that would never alter the fact that Lily’s intervention had interrupted what Brendan had wanted his life to be.
He had never chosen her. No one had ever chosen her. And now that she was married, she would never have the opportunity to know the privilege of being the center of a man’s attention. Lily had always believed that things would work out for the best, her optimism something that had set her apart from others. But even she could not think of a way to straighten out this muddle with any sort of confidence.
Sitting down at her usual seat, she uncovered her meal and picked up her fork. Perhaps a respite at Saunton Park would restore her spirits and provide inspiration on how to proceed. It would certainly not be amiss to escape the foreboding pall of Ridley House.
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