Page 29 of Beautifully Messy
Bell bounds through the snow beside me, her joy untouched by the slow collapse of my world. Out here, I can breathe—escape Mason’s hovering, the tests buried under tissues in the trash, and the decisions already made for me.
I need a moment.
Just one moment to breathe.
Cry in solitude before I piece myself back together.
I sink into the snow, bury my face in my hands, and let it out.
There’s no one here to judge, no one to witness the wreckage. I grieve for the girl always left behind, who never knew the meaning of family. For the woman who wanted it so desperately, she married the wrong man to get it. For this baby, I already want more than anything. I know I could choose not to have it, but this is my chance to finally have what I’ve wanted all my life: a family of my own.
And mostly, I cry for what this all means—the hope I hardly dared to feel.
Footsteps crunch up the drive, shattering the fragile stillness. I don’t need to look up. I know his stride. When I finally lift my head, concern marks every line of James’s face. He takes in the sight of me kneeling in the snow, tears frozen on my cheeks.
Grasping for a shred of bravado, I force a smile. “Fancy meeting you here.”
“What’s wrong?” He’s next to me in two quick strides.
“I’m fine. Just thinking.”
“Hey, I can be your friend. I’m a pretty good listener.”
“No. It’s nothing… I can’t talk about it with you.”
James exhales, tipping his head toward the sky. Beads of sweat trail down his cheek. His breath is still ragged from his run. “Did you talk to a doctor today, or did Jules give you some insight into what’s going on?”
Bracing against something colder than the night air, I hug my arms around myself. “Yeah, something like that. But I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why not?” James takes a step closer, his body blocking the wind, creating a pocket of stillness around us. His scent, cedar and something distinctly him, wraps around me in this cocoon.
My lips purse as I exhale, the fog of my breath mingling with his. “Because...I don’t think I can handle any more truths with you.”
He lets out a low chuckle, the sound reverberating through me. Under the soft glow of the moon, I glimpse the ghost of another life. One where we met at a different time, in a different place. Where I wasn’t who I am now. But this isn't a fairytale with an easy ending. The tests in the bathroom trash have already written our tragedy. There’s no world where I can keep the Wallises and explore whatever this is with him. I’d lose everything. So I do what I’ve always done. I perform.
“You’ve passed the test. I’ll tell Ivy you’re a keeper.”
My smile stays fixed, wide and polished. I ignore the bitter taste the words leave in my mouth and the twist in my gut when I see the disbelief on his face.
“That’s it? That’s what you think this is?” he scoffs.
I tilt my head back and let snowflakes kiss my skin. They fall and melt, disguising the tears threatening to spill. With gentle fingers, he brushes away a flake and cradles my chin, guiding my eyes to meet his.
“Can you honestly tell me you don’t feel this between us?”
We stare at each other, unmoving, the weight of his question orbiting like a comet through the dark.
“I’m not an option, James. Go to Ivy, or move on from her. But leave me out of it.”
His silence stretches, but I don’t dare fill the space.
“Sydney, what are you not telling me? What happened? I know this can’t all be in my head.”
My hand drifts to my stomach before I can stop it. I drop it quickly, but his eyes follow, narrowing. “Nothing that changes anything. I’m going inside to my husband. That’s the end of it.”
He doesn’t move.
“Bell, come.” I keep my steps steady as I climb the stairs, back straight. I can feel James watching, dissecting me. But I don’t look back.
