Page 47 of Beautifully Messy
It isn’t long before he approaches with two steaming mugs and hands me one.
“Thank you.” It isn’t enough, but that’s all I have, all that can come out.
Jules, across the room, catches the whole interaction. Tom whispers something that makes her smirk. I’ve never been so thankful to hear the monitor come to life, and I’m on my feet, escaping.
With snow falling outside and laughter ringing as wrapping paper flies, I settle into an armchair by the fire to nurse. Anna is so beautiful it makes my chest ache. I run a finger along her cheek, that pert button nose, and impossibly smooth skin. How do I keep her wrapped in this bubble and the pains of the world outside her grasp? A mother’s job is to protect her child, no matter the cost.
Anna's eyes grow heavy as she nurses, her grip on my finger loosening. By the time she's finished, the wrapping paper frenzy downstairs has mellowed into conversation.
“I know we usually do adult gifts later, but I wanted you to have this now.” Margaret approaches with a small box.
“That’s so sweet. Would you hold Anna so I can open it?”
“With pleasure.”
I hold my breath, unwrapping the thick paper, to reveal a small, square jewelry box. Inside lies a gold bracelet, a slim, polished plate engraved with my name.
“Motherhood changes so much,” Margaret says, meeting my eyes. “I want you to remember you are more than a mom.”
Air leaves my lungs. My fingers close around the cool metal, tracing the delicate script of my name.
“Thank you.” I wrap my arms around Margaret, resting my head on her shoulder, Anna tucked between us. A second later, another set of arms wraps around us. Jules.
Three mothers, holding one another. Women who understand the silent burdens, unseen struggles, the ache and beauty wrapped in a simple bracelet.
“Come with me.” Jules steps back, wipes my tears, and pulls me into the cold. She lights the fire pit, tosses me a blanket, and fixes me with her unyielding gaze.
“What’s going on with Mason? Why is he being such a dick? What was that last night?”
“I wish I knew.” I search through the windows for Anna, still wrapped in the warmth of her grandmother’s arms.
“Don’t do that. Don’t deflect this time.” Jules says, her voice sharper now. “He grabbed your wrist.Hard.”
“I… fuck, Jules. I wish I could say it’s adjusting to fatherhood, but it’s not. We haven’t been good in so long.”
The admission spills out, something inside my chest unhooking. My shoulders fall, breath easing for the first time in months.
Jules doesn’t blink. She meets my confession and demands even more honesty.
“Syd, we’ve been circling this conversation for over a year. The question isn’t what’s wrong, it’s—are you ready to stop pretending you’re fine?”
“Fine has been my whole life. I don’t even know what more thanfinefeels like.”
“What do you mean?”
Wetness slips down my cheek before I even realize a tear has escaped my eye. Instead of answering, I ask a question of my own.
“What if our hearts can only hold so much love? Maybe there’s only so much space to fill. Maybe that’s why my parents never had room for me?”
“Fuck that, Syd,” she snaps, grabbing my hand in both of hers. “Look at Tom and me. Look at my parents. You didn’t deserve your childhood, and you sure as hell don’t deserve Mason’s bullshit now.” She sucks in a breath, but she isn’t finished. “You love Anna more than anything. You love me. Love is not finite. It expands and grows as you do. The people who believe there’s a limited amount of love in the world are either too scared or too selfish.”
We both know which one I am.
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and take a shaky breath. Jules waits, letting the silence stretch. My wedding band glints in the sunlight, weighing a thousand pounds.
Jules shifts, something electric sparking in her gaze.
“I find it interesting James brought you coffee this morning, like he’s done it a hundred times before.”
