Page 84 of Beautifully Messy
James goes rigid. His face, God. The color drains from his skin. His eyes meet mine, and everything about him crumbles. We stand there looking at each other in mutual devastation.
Everything he said. Everything I wanted to say. It’s just gone.
And Ivy. Ivy kisses his cheek. He flinches and steps away. Her smile never falters.
“Ewww, why are you guys kissing like that?” Beck wrinkles his nose while Leo giggles behind his hand.
Gary clears his throat. “Glad to see last night’s party worked its magic.”
Margaret pinches him. Her eyes dart to me and then to Ivy and James.
“Sorry about that,” Ivy chirps. “We got a little… carried away.” And she glides off toward the kitchen like she didn’t set fire to the last thing I believed in.
James meets my eyes once again, stopping next to me, but I look away, and he slams the front door behind him.
My stomach lurches, nausea rising fast. But on the outside, I stay calm. I think about chasing after him and unleashing the pain churning inside.
“Sydney.” Margaret runs her hand down my arm.
I reach for Anna, pulling her into my arms, pressing my face into her curls, inhaling her sweet scent. She babbles something against my shoulder, and I hug her close, willing the tears forming in my eyes not to fall. There is no way I’ll give Ivy the satisfaction of seeing that.
“You guys have a good night? I’m going to get cleaned up. Come on, Bug.” I kick off my sneakers and climb the stairs, holding it together until I reach theempty bedroom. Only then do I set Anna down on the floor and let the pain crash over me.
How could he do this? Did he think I was choosing Mason when I walked away?
I was about to tell him I loved him, that I wanted him to be my family too. I touched him, gave him every indication I was ready.
Was this a game to him?
How could I have been so stupid?
Believed him so completely?
I cannot, will not, throw away everything for a man who whispered he loved me, who said he wanted to be my family, and couldn’t even wait a day before letting Ivy climb into his lap as if it had all been in my head.
It’s as I suspected: I’m not enough. At some point, he’d turn out like everyone else—tiring of me. Leaving me. It shouldn’t surprise me.
I will not let myself break for something that was never mine.
***
Therestoftheday drifts by in a haze of hollow conversations, a fake smile glued to my face. I move on autopilot, my walls rebuilt and reinforced, thick as ice over a winter pond.
I maintain it constantly, relentlessly. Ignore every attempt James makes to meet my eyes. Ignore Ivy’s smug parade as she floats around the house, spouting wedding ideas and honeymoon itineraries. Margaret and Jules are unwilling spectators to a horror show they never meant to sign up for.
But I won’t hide and cry. That can wait until I’m alone in D.C. It will not happen while I’m under the same roof as them.
Where’s Mason in all this? I have no idea. And I honestly don’t care.
Keeping my chin high and my gaze distant, I play unaffected.
Jules, though, won’t let it go and drags me to the sunroom. “Syd, will you talk to me?” She pleads, gripping my hands. “Last night, you looked like a woman in love. And now? It’s like you’ve been body-snatched with a robot.”
I say nothing. Because if I speak, the ice will crack. And if the ice cracks, I fall through. That thin layer is the only thing keeping me upright, keeping me from collapsing into bed with a bottle of wine and sad Taylor Swift on repeat. Except today I need fuck-you Taylor. A full glitter bodysuit, red lip, and middle finger to the world.
That’s the version of me that can survive right now.
“Whatever happened, talk to him. That’s what people in love do. They show up. They mess up. They talk. You don’t throw it all away over a misunderstanding. Not when it’s real. Not when it matters.”
