Page 72 of Imperfections Forbidden
But I do.I just don’t know what I could possibly say to make this less horrible.
“She’s fucking Nick!”Jay yells.
“You watch your goddamn mouth,” my father says to Jay.He looks back at Nick, confusion and disbelief on his face.“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, your sister would never…” He looks at me.
I can’t face him.I don’t want to see the look in his eyes, the disappointment and shame,myshame.I cover my face and look down and burst into a new river of tears, my voice dropping.“I’m sorry, Daddy.”I don’t know if he even hears me, it’s so muffled.I swipe my hands across my tears and with fear in my heart, for what I might see, I make myself look into his eyes.
He stares at me in utter shock.Like I’m a stranger to him, he’s looking at me through new eyes.I know things will never be the same.Nick comes toward me and my father explodes.
“You son of a bitch, don’t touch my daughter!”
I look at Nick and shake my head in a silent plea.Please don’t.And grab my father’s arm to stop him from going after Nick.“Daddy, please,” I cry through the tears in my eyes.
Chris steps in between them, and Nick steps back.A nurse comes in the room, looking around at the blood and mayhem.I can tell she’s scared when her voice wavers.She tells Nick Kate is asking for him.She leaves the room as fast as her legs can move.She doesn’t wait for us to acknowledge her.
My father stares at Nick, ready to attack.His voice is cold and harsh, a tone I’ve never heard him use.“Stay away from her.She doesn’t need you.”
He looks back at me, emotionless but filled with tension, my hand still on his arm.He yanks it away from me and shakes his head as he walks away.Jay doesn’t bother looking at me.He walks past Nick, eyes filled with hate.
I hug my arms around myself and watch as my father and Jay walk away from me.Nick touches my arm.I can’t.I put my hand on his chest.“Don’t,” I cry.“She needs you.You should be with her.”He should have been with her all along.Maybe things would be different.Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
He looks at me and shakes his head.With such conviction in his voice, his eyes, he says, “Cat, don’t do this.You need me.I need you now.”
“No, she needs you more.”And she does.“Just go to her, please.Please just go.”I can’t take this anymore.I turn away and run down the hall as fast as my legs will let me, with tears cascading down my face.I hear scuffling behind me, no doubt him trying to come after me and Chris trying to stop him.
I don’t stop running till I reach the doors leading to the stairs.I slump back against the wall, out of breath, my lungs burning, gasping for air.I sink down to the floor, my hands wrapped around my legs, my face down on my knees.I cry, for everything I’ve lost.For their baby.What I’ve done to my family.The look in my father’s and Jay’s eyes.
And most of all, for the love of a man I now know I can never have.We will never be the same again.
Nick
The last time I sawCat or heard from her was almost a week ago at the hospital.We’re back to square one again.Shit, I don’t even know where square one is.I’ve been replaying everything that happened in my head over and over again.The look on Cat’s face when she ran out of the hospital, Chris holding me back from going after her.We almost got into a fight.The only reason I haven’t stormed over there yet and kicked the damn door off the hinges of her apartment is because Ava came back.She came back the next day when she found out Kate lost the baby.When she found out about Cat, me, and Jay, she said she was taking the first flight she could get.
I hate that I have to go through Ava to find out how Cat’s doing.I’m going to go see her whether she wants to talk to me or not.She’s slipping away from me, building up walls around herself to keep me out.Every day we stay apart those walls are going to get stronger and taller, until they’re impenetrable.I love her too much to let that happen.She told me I needed to deal with Kate and the loss of our child, and I’m trying.I know all of this is killing her inside.I know she thinks Kate needs me more, but she needs me just as much, because I damn sure know I need her.I’m not giving up until I make her understand we belong together.It was always meant to be that way and if I have anything to say about it, that’s the way it’s going to be.
Today is the last day I’m going to spend with Kate.I’ve been with her every day since she left the hospital.I drove her back to her apartment.Two days before she was discharged, all the renovations were finished.She didn’t want to go back to her parents’ house, and I sure as hell wasn’t going over there.They would shoot me before I put one foot on the curb.
I don’t think it’s good for Kate to have me coming over here every day anymore.What purpose would that serve?Physically she’s getting better, but emotionally I can’t do any more for her.There’re some things she has to work through on her own, maybe with professional help.
It’s easy to get confused in a situation like this; you misinterpret kindness and sympathy for something it’s not.I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings.We lost a child together, and we’re always going to have that in common, but that’s it.I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about her at all, how could I not?She was the mother-to-be of my first child.If I feel this way, then how must she feel?I don’t want to hurt her more.She was right when she said I was heartless, but I was also right when I said I wasn’t that heartless.
I get out of my car and use the key she gave me to open the front door.The apartment is meticulously clean as usual, everything in its place.It’s like a showroom in here.They can use Kate’s apartment to sell units in this condo, it’s so neat.I look over at the couch where it all started.I shake my head at how one moment, one decision, can change the course of your life.
I head to the bedroom.I was hoping to see her out of her room today.She hasn’t left the bed since she came home from the hospital.On her dresser she has a picture of the sonogram she had when I saw the baby for the first time.I don’t think it’s a good idea to have that constant reminder there.I know I couldn’t.I haven’t had much time to sort through my own feelings.I don’t really want to, but I know I’m going to have to at some point.
She’s curled up under her sheet, on her side, staring at the wall.She sees me come in and sits up against the pillows.
“Hi, Nick.”
The whites of her eyes are red, like she’s been crying.I give her a faint smile and sit in the chair by her bed.No need for me to ask how she’s doing, I already know.
“Did you eat today?”
“No.I wasn’t hungry.”
“You have to eat, Kate.You’re going to end up back in the hospital if you’re not eating.”
She rakes her hand over her hair and folds her hands in her lap.She looks thin.She’s lost weight since leaving the hospital.
