Page 113 of Someone to Remember
“Talk to me in a few weeks, when the tension is all tense and stuff.”
“I’m ending this call—and this sisterhood.”
“As if you could ever get rid of me.”
“I’d like to right now.”
“All kidding aside, have the best time, call me tomorrow and tell me everything. Take notes so you don’t forget any of the good stuff.”
“Bye, Sam.” I’m cracking up as I hit the red button to get rid of her.
I’m sure she’s already calling Tracy to get more information.
While Jack is at a playdate with a friend from school and my little ones are napping, I take a shower and spend extra time blow-drying and straightening my hair. Then I stand in my closet, taking a visual inventory, looking for something I never wore with Spence, a criterion that narrows the choices to a few random items.
I pick the sweater Sam gave me for my birthday, whichwould make her happy to know she’s going on the date with me. The thought of her actually going with me makes me laugh as I pull on a newer pair of jeans that fit me again now that I’ve lost most of the weight I gained with Josh and then go into the bathroom to put on makeup.
Ella comes to find me while I’m in there and does a double take when she sees me a little dressed up and made up, too. “Mommy so pretty.”
“Aw, thank you, baby. How was your nap?”
“Good.”
I bend to pick her up for a snuggle.
“Mommy smell good.”
“Thank you.”
I probably ought to put more effort into my appearance, so she doesn’t grow up to think my regular messy look is the goal.
“I miss Daddy.”
Ugh, I wasn’t prepared for that. She hasn’t mentioned him in a while, which makes me sad.
“I do, too, honey.”
“Daddy come home soon.”
I’m gutted. “He would if he could.”
The single tear that slides down her sweet face is my undoing. I shouldn’t be going anywhere, let alone on a date after losing the father of my children. I’m deeply torn by what I want to do and what I probably ought to do.
Then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and see that I look more like my old self than I have since that terrible morning at Camp David. I need this night out. I need it badly.
After kissing away Ella’s tear, I ask her if she wants to talk about it.
She shakes her head, so I carry her downstairs and set her up withPaw Patrol. Then I go into the kitchen to slice an apple and put a little peanut butter in a bowl for dipping. I sit next to her on the sofa while she watches her favorite show andmunches on her favorite snack. I’m fairly certain that I’ve succeeded in rebooting her mainframe away from painful memories, which is a relief, even if the guilt is ever present.
I’ve come to accept that guilt is a permanent part of my life now. No matter what I’m doing or who I’m doing it with, I’m always thinking of the person who’s gone and never coming back. I’ll ache forever for my precious babies, who’ll grow up without the daddy who loved them more than life itself. And I’ll ache for Spence, who tried so hard to get better so he could be the husband and father he once was.
Tracy comes in a short time later and smiles when she sees me done up for my big night out. “You look beautiful, but then again, you always do, even when you don’t try. Bitch.”
Laughing, I say, “Big sisters are good for my ego, and little sisters are a pain in my ass.”
“Ah, yes, I got an earful this afternoon about keeping secrets and such. I told her it wasn’t my news to share.”
“Did that pacify her?”
