Page 94 of Unpredictable
“Really?” I asked, stunned by her admission.
“Yes. And I’m kind of shocked he didn’t demand to come.”
“I know,” I said with a humorless laugh. Despite his edict to “let go,” he could be bossy at times, and it was sexy as hell.
I’d secretly hoped he’d show up at the airport and beg me not to go or demand to come along. But he hadn’t. And I couldn’t blame him. I knew how painful it was to watch him and Cam together. I’d never want him to feel that with Ryan and me, especially knowing about his past.
I sniffled, feeling even worse about it all. I could only imagine what he was thinking, how I’d made him feel. And my stomach clenched. “It doesn’t matter now.”
“But surely…”
“It certainly felt like goodbye.”
We were silent a moment, the palm trees rustling in the wind.
“Speaking of goodbye,” Harper said, interrupting my thoughts. “I have an idea. It’s, um… Well, it might give you some closure, at least on the Ryan front.”
“Okay,” I said, dragging out the word.
At this point, I was over this trip. I was exhausted, and I missed Harrison. I just wanted to go home and crawl into his arms, if he’d even have me.
“What is it?” I shifted on the bed, tucking one leg beneath me.
She took a deep breath. “You know how we never had a funeral?”
I nodded, though I’d never really given it much thought. For the longest time, I’d been convinced he was missing, not dead.
“I think we should celebrate Ryan’s life. We should give him a proper send-off.”
“I like that.” But then I frowned, thinking of the logistics, of how sad it would be. “I don’t know,” I hedged. “I really don’t want anything depressing.”
“Exactly. Which is why I was going to suggest copying some traditions from the Buddhists.”
I quirked an eyebrow. “Okay. What did you have in mind?”
“Have you ever seen a Buddhist funeral?” she asked, excitement vibrating through her. I shook my head. “They’re very moving. Since Buddhists believe in reincarnation, their rituals focus on celebrating the person’s life. It’s viewed as a way to symbolize their rebirth into their new life.”
I pursed my lips, considering it. “That’s… Wow. I actually really like that idea.”
“Yeah?” Her mouth quirked to the side.
“Yeah.” I nodded, realizing just how much I liked it. Just how much I needed it. “Let’s do it.”
“Maybe you needed to come back here to finally admit that to yourself. To be able to accept it and move on.”
My shoulders sagged, some of my enthusiasm flagging. “Maybe…but at what cost?”
I could remember Harrison’s face when I told him about Ryan. But he wasn’t nearly as upset as when I told him I was going to Thailand. He’d tried to talk me out of it—begged even, but in the end, I think we both knew it was something I had to do. Now, I realized it was nothing but a big mistake.
Harper pulled me into her, and I realized I’d started crying. “It’ll all work out, you’ll see.”
Exhausted from the jet lag and the emotional toll this trip had already taken on me, I lay down and passed out. I fell into a deep sleep, assaulted by a dream of the tsunami. I was pushed underwater. I was grasping for the palm tree, desperate for air. My lungs burned, and I reached out in the darkness. But this time, it wasn’t Ryan I called out for. It wasn’t Ryan I tried to clutch beneath the surface. It was Harrison.
I awoke with a start, disoriented. I called out for Harrison, but then reality crashed down on me, almost worse than my nightmare. He wasn’t here.
I lay awake the rest of the night, debating whether to text him. So many times, I opened a new message, fingers poised over the keys. And so many times, I deleted it.
I scrolled through my photos, tears falling with every image I saw. Harrison kissing my cheek as we lay in bed, my hair wild on the pillow. Us with broad smiles as we posed with Olivia and Connor at their wedding. Him in the pool, arms resting on the edge, hair slicked back from his face, an intense stare tracking my every move.
