Page 92 of Unpredictable
“Please,” I whispered as she dropped her hand. I felt the loss of her touch keenly. I was losing her, just like I had Cam. Though the two couldn’t be compared. Losing Cam was disappointing; losing Juliana was devastating.
She shook her head, eyes filling with tears. “I have to.”
“Can’t you have Harper check it out instead?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like an asshole.Delegate?I tried to envision what I’d do if I were in her shoes, but I honestly couldn’t. But I also couldn’t imagine allowing her to walk out that door and into the arms of another man. It would break me.
She gaped at me. “Wow.” She shook her head, disappointment clear.
I backed down, realizing perhaps I’d come across a bit harsh. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go.”
“Well—” she spun, climbing the stairs “—it’s not your decision to make.”
“This is foolish,” I called, taking the stairs two at a time. I followed her into the bedroom, out of breath. And it wasn’t from chasing her up the stairs.
She threw a suitcase on the bed and was already placing stuff in it. Her movements were frenetic, as if she couldn’t move fast enough. Couldn’t get away from me quickly enough. And I felt just as frantic to make her stay.
I leaned against the door, wishing I could prevent her from leaving. “Why?”
“What do you mean, why?” She paused, scarf in hand.
Fuck. She was leaving me.
She tossed it on the bed and walked over to me. “I have to do this. Please tell me you understand.”
I did—on a deeper level, I truly did. But that didn’t mean I had to like it. “What does this mean for us?”
“I wish I could give you an answer, but I don’t want to lie. All I know is that I have to go. I have to find out if it’s really him.”
“And if it is…?” My unspoken question filled the air, swelling like a balloon of humid, oppressive tropical air.
Her eyes were tortured, conflicted. And I didn’t know what outcome to hope for. If it was Ryan, if he was alive…would she choose him over me? And if he wasn’t…would her grief be even worse?
It was then I realized this was a no-win situation. I needed to support her in this because I hated seeing her pain; I felt it as if it were my own. This gaping, raw wound. And in that moment, I knew I would do anything to take it away—even send her into the arms of another man. I wanted her to find happiness, peace, more than anything. Even if that meant she wasn’t with me.
So, with a deep breath, I took her hands in mine. My heart was fucking breaking. “Do what you need to do.”
She swallowed back a sob, though her eyes couldn’t hide her relief and sadness. “I don’t deserve you.”
I placed a finger beneath her chin, lifting, forcing her to meet my gaze. “You deserve nothing but happiness.” I smiled a watery smile. And I hoped she knew just how sincere I was.
I rubbed my hands up and down her arms. This might be the last time I touched her, the last time I held her. The last time I called her mine. Though, could I truly call her mine when she’d always been his? Or at least, a part of her heart still belonged to him.
“Look—” I faltered. She’d been honest about what she needed, and I knew I had to do the same.
“Uh oh,” she teased, perhaps hoping to defuse some of the tension. But it only filled my gut with dread.
Was I making the right decision? I knew I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t fully committed to me. It had happened before with Cam. And though Juliana wasn’t Cam, and our relationship was completely different, I needed to know that if push came to shove, she’d put our relationship first. Above Ryan. Above our careers. Above anything.
I was finally ready to make that kind of commitment, but…she wasn’t. Seeing how she’d reacted to news of Ryan, I feared she might never be. I wouldn’t settle for part of her. I wanted everything. And while I was inclined to hold on tighter, to try to convince her to stay with me, I was resigned.
I pressed my lips to hers, knowing this might be goodbye. “I love you, but I won’t be a consolation prize.”
Panic flared in her eyes briefly before she nodded. “You arenota consolation prize, and I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel that way.”
“You haven’t.” I tucked her hair behind her ear, desperate for any touch. “I hope you find what you’re looking for. And if that isn’t me…” I cleared my throat as if I could smother my emotions.
She opened her mouth, but I pressed a finger to her lips. “Don’t.” I shook my head. “Don’t make a promise you might not be able to keep.”
She swallowed hard and nodded. “I’m not going to make any promises, but know that I love you. I love you so much, but I also need closure—for me, for us.”
