“Will I? Nothing about this feels good right now.”
“I know,” he says. “Stay the course, man. You have a way to check on her, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then go do something to distract yourself for five minutes. Anything, even if it’s just taking a piss. Doesn’t matter. You need to give your mind a rest. Then you can go back to it without feeling like the world’s ending just because you put your girlfriend in a closet for a half-hour.”
I chuckle weakly at his characterization of my plight. “It gets better, right?”
“Sorta. You’ll get more used to the feelings. I’m not saying you ever have to enjoy punishments, but at least they won’t tear you up quite so badly. What are you planning for aftercare?”
“Bath and cuddles. She has to work later.”
“Okay, lots of pampering in the bath. Play with her. Wash her hair. Whatever you can to keep your hands on her and help her feel safe and loved. Be prepared for her to want sex as reassurance.”
I scratch my neck as I walk downstairs to blend up some breakfast smoothies. I didn’t want to eat anything before Cynnie’s punishment, in case I ended up puking.
“We had sex this morning,” I tell him. “I want to separate punishments and sex. I understand how they’re linked in her mind, and I want to break that link. I woke her up and made sure she had two orgasms and then relaxed for a while before I started the punishment.”
“You’re doing all the right things,” says Jack. “I know it doesn’t feel like it at this moment, but you’re doing fine.”
I blow out a long breath, willing myself to relax. “I absolutely hate this, Jack.”
“Look, you may never have to do this again. There are some punishments I’ve used on Sammi that I did once and never again because they were too hard on me. It’s much easier to have direct contact with your subbie while they’re being punished so you can reassure yourself they’re okay. But I’ll tell you now, it’s very hard to resist the urge to stop the punishment and cuddle them if they’re in touching distance. You’ll find your groove, Max. This is your first punishment. Go easy on yourself.”
“Thanks, man. Was Sammi your first boy?”
“No. I played around with this while I was in college. Not with a little, but with a guy who was submissive to me. I fucked it up royally. I got married for a couple of years and destroyed that relationship, too. Then I met Sammi, and everything clicked into place. I knew what I was born to be. It hasn’t been smooth sailing. Sammi’s a fucking challenge every single day. But it’s a very different kind of challenge and nothing makes me happier than being his daddy. Give it some time and see if you feel the same thing.”
I lean against the kitchen counter and rest my forehead against the cabinet’s cool glass. “The three days she was with me, before she ghosted me, they were the best days of my life, Jack.”
“You’re like me, Max. You were born to be a daddy. I know it’s hard when you’re still finding your footing but I swear it’s worth it.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” I tell him.
“Stick with it. Can’t be much more than ten minutes now.”
I pull the phone away from my face to check the timer and the camera feed. Eleven minutes. Cynnie’s still leaning against the closet wall, her body in a ball. As I watch, she sniffles and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. No signs of realdistress. No safe word. But fuck if my heart isn’t squeezing-squeezing-squeezing in my chest to see her cry.
“I will. Again, thank you, buddy.”
“You’re welcome. If you feel like it’s imploding again, ring me. I’m on call today but otherwise, I’m just hanging out at home until Sammi gets back from his sister’s.”
“Appreciate it, Jack.”
I hang up with a smile and start assembling a banana and blueberry smoothie.
Jack’s not wrong about how Cynnie is when I open the closet door and help her out. It’s like a baby animal clinging to its mother. I see why Logan calls Emily his “koala baby.”
I carry her to the edge of my bed and feed her the smoothie I’ve made in sips while I comfort her. Murmuring to her how proud I am of her taking her punishment, wiping her wet cheeks, feeling the little tremors shaking her subside under my touch, a sense of profound contentment wells up in me. In this moment, I’m the best of men. Not because I can save the world or cure cancer, but because I can give the woman in my arms peace and security.
Maybe Jack’s right. Maybe this is what I was born to do.
“I hates the closet,” Cynnie whispers against my collar.
“I hated putting you in the closet, bumble baby. I never want to do that again. Please don’t make me. We’ll make some rules about communication, and you’ll follow them like the good girl I know you are, and we won’t have to use the closet again.”
She nods. “You’z give me spankings even when I’m good?”
