Page 63 of Night and Day
Izzy peeked at her from behind his hand. “How?”
Mia gave him a small smile. “Well, I can tell he’s already wondering if we might be more than work colleagues. We can just tell him we are.”
Izzy hung his head, a thousand memories rushing through him. How could he do this to Henry? “I don’t know,” he grumbled under his breath. “The man’s been like a father to me. If he sees me dating someone else... I don’t know.”
“Are you sure he’d be that upset?” Mia asked him softly. “He’s sneaking looks at us... at me... and he’s smiling. A lot. I think he’s excited to see you out here with someone.”
Izzy risked a glance at Henry, who indeed was looking straight at them, a silly grin on his face, eyes sparkling. Could Mia be right? He’d expected Henry to feel betrayed.
After Erin’s death, Izzy hadn’t even entertained the idea of dating someone else. He’d built a new life for himself – a safe and predictable life where he couldn’t fail anyone. Over time, he’d gotten used to it. Just for the time being, he’d told himself, until he’d reached his creative goals. But looking at Henry, he felt the old pang of accusation in his chest. This was his baggage; baggage he’d inevitably drag with him to a new relationship. If he wanted to have any hope with Mia, he had to be honest. He’d lay himself bare and throw everything on the table. They had so little time. Taking it slow was not an option.
Izzy raised his eyes at Mia. “You know how Deke doesn’t worry about what others think?”
“Yeah?”
“I sometimes really wish I was like that. I know he has challenges, but the idea of not feeling that... shame. The voice that reminds you that you’re no good. It must be amazing.”
“Why would you think you’re no good?” She asked, eyes full of confusion.
Izzy sighed. Moisture gathered in his eyes and held them open, scared to blink and spill. “Because I failed her. I should have been there... I knew she was going to the bridge. She told me. I swear I didn’t know she’d jump. I just thought she was angry with me and trying to be dramatic. But she waited for me there, she waited for me to come and stop her. And I didn’t.” The tears strangled his throat and he clamped his mouth shut, staring at the table. “I can’t be counted on.”
Mia took his hands in hers, squeezing hard. “He just said you’re the most reliable guy ever. They count on you. I count on you. And right now, he’s watching us and smiling. I think he wants you to be happy.”
Izzy took a breath, the tightness in his throat slowly dissolving as Mia’s words floated in the air, poking holes in the dark thought he’d carried for years. “That’s the stupid thing about shame, I think. It just sits there, blaming you, holding you back. If you feel guilty, you want to fix it and make it better, and then you get to forgive yourself. But what do you do with shame?”
“If it was me, what would you tell me?”
“What do you mean?”
“If this all happened to me... if it was me and my boyfriend, what would you say to me?”
Izzy straightened in his chair, taken aback. “I don’t think there’s anything you can say to make it better.”
“How about ‘it’s not your fault?’” Mia raised her brow. “Because, ultimately, it’s not. Maybe you could have called for help. Maybe you could have stopped her. But you didn’t throw her in the river. You didn’t even want her to die. And clearly, it prompted you to learn a lot about the topic and if you were in the same situation now, you’d act differently, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Well... Considering all that, could you take it a bit easier on yourself?”
Izzy’s mouth tugged into a sad smile. “You’re pretty smart, aren’t you?”
Mia laughed. “If I was, I’m sure my life wouldn’t be such a mess right now.”
Izzy felt a glimmer of hope, a lightness that almost lifted him off his chair. It was now or never. He had to take the first step. “Let’s go. We have the fake dating thing down to an art now.”
His whole body vibrating with fear and energy, he stood up and offered his hand to Mia, who followed him across the room. Henry put down his pizza slice and rinsed his mouth, smiling at them. He knew. The thought hit Izzy as he stopped at the table, gathering Mia against his chest, drawing courage from the warmth of her body. “Henry, I didn’t do a very good job with our introductions earlier. I... This is very new, but Mia and I are dating. We used to work together, but she’s here because, well... we wanted to meet in the flesh...” Izzy pulled a face at the gory sound of ‘flesh’, losing his train of thought. Why couldn’t he string together a normal sentence?
“Well, good on you.” Henry coughed into his fist. “I appreciate you telling me.”
Nobody else spoke. The awkward moment seemed to stretch into minutes until Izzy finally lifted his chin in greeting and steered them away again. Reaching their own table, he let out a long sigh, giddy and confused, but several pounds lighter. “Well, that was awkward.”
Mia gave him a cheeky smile. “I think he needs to digest that a bit. Especially the ‘meeting in the flesh’ part. I think you gave the poor man nightmares.”
An unexpected laugh erupted from Izzy’s chest, shaking his entire body. He felt better than in a long time. And that was the moment his brain chose to remind him of the impending end.
How could he let her leave?
