Page 47 of Night and Day
“I think he is, for the most part.”
She stared square into his eyes. “Are you?”
Izzy’s breath hitched and he swallowed against the dry stickiness in his throat. “I’m happy here with you.”
“How about a week ago?”
“I thought I was,” he replied diplomatically. “But I was so focused on my goals that I would have never stopped to ask myself that. I don’t know if it’s a good question.”
“Why?” She narrowed her eyes.
“Because... If you make happiness your goal, you’ll never be happy enough. I’m happiest in that state of flow, working hard but not too hard, when ideas pour out and my hands barely keep up.”
She nodded knowingly. “Like when you’re working on the film?”
“Yeah. I’m stuck with that at the moment, but I know I can get it back.”
Mia studied him for a moment, quietly ruminating on something. “I like your take on it. I think I was like that at my job; hyper focused on ticking off the next thing on my list, reaching the next goal. I’m happy about the breather though, and this moment here with you. This is perfect. You’re my catalyst. Maybe Deke is, too. I can learn from you and find a way forward or something.”
“When you go back to Finland?” The needy edge in his voice made him cringe.
She nodded absent-mindedly, her gaze on Casanova who’d finished eating and had climbed up his cage as if to join the conversation. “I have to go back, but I just don’t know what I’ll do when I get there.”
Izzy sighed. The first woman to capture his attention in years and she wasn’t available. He couldn’t date her. He’d either win her over, hundred percent, marry her and reorganise his whole life to make this work, or he’d let her go. And he had only days to figure this out, which was the cruellest of jokes the universe could have played on him. What if he blew his only chance because he couldn’t figure it out fast enough?
Satisfied that the parrot was happy, Izzy led Mia back to the kitchen.
“Do you want coffee or tea?” he asked, holding up two cups.
“Maybe tea. What do you have?” She opened the pantry and peered inside, quickly locating three packets. She must have memorised the order of their kitchen at some point.
Mia chose a bag of spicy chai and sat down at the table to wait for the jug to boil. “I can’t believe it has only been a couple of days since I arrived. My head’s spinning.” She looked out the window and Izzy held his breath, captivated by her halo of blond hair bathing in the sunlight.
He joined her at the table. “Same here, and I’m not even in a foreign country, or recently robbed... I know it sounds lame in comparison, but that barbecue was a big deal. I haven’t seen my parents that happy in ages.”
Mia played with the sleeve of her new denim jacket. “Your parents talked about you like—”
“Like I’m a hermit?” Izzy fixed his loosened hairdo, wondering if tying it up had only made things worse.
Mia tilted her head, looking at him like a puzzle she couldn’t quite put together but liked anyway. “Yeah. Why is that? You don’t seem that... bad. I mean, when I first met you, I thought you were pretty laid back, but I would have never pitied you, or worried about you. I just thought you were brave and didn’t care what anyone thought of your appearance, or how you lived your life. Your family... I can see they care about you, but they also talk about you like you’ve somehow failed? I don’t get it.”
Izzy shivered, those sweet, accurate words cutting deeper than she’d probably intended. This may all crash and burn, he thought, but he had to tell her the entire story, to see if she’d still look at him like that, with eyes full of open interest. “I know. It’s just... I should have maybe told you before, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. Something happened five years ago. My girlfriend Erin, she jumped off the bridge, the one close by. She had her challenges, and we should have seen it coming. I should have asked for help or done something, but I was young and too focused on what she thought of me. She was always hot and cold, hard to read. I didn’t realise what was going on before it was too late. Her parents are the nicest people and never blamed me, but I knew it was my fault. I was the last person to see her alive. We argued. I said I wanted to take a break... I was so tired of fighting. She said if we broke up, she’d...” Izzy filled her lungs, forcefully expanding them against the tightness in his chest. He stared out the window, his mind flowing down the path towards the river. “She used to threaten me with suicide and I was so stupid, I thought ‘she just wants attention’. I know it’s bullshit now. I’ve cut together hundreds of those suicide prevention videos and know exactly what to watch out for, but there’s nothing I can do for her anymore.”
Izzy’s breath rattled, a wave of emotion coursing through him. He’d thought he’d put this behind him a long time ago, but seeing Mia’s huge eyes peeled as she listened to his story, he travelled back in time, to that cold July night, standing on the bridge, staring down at the fast-moving, black water as the helicopter flew overhead, lowering so close to the water’s surface that it created a whirlpool, hearing the weary voices of the police officers saying they might never find the body.
They sat in silence for a moment as dust particles swirled in the stream of sunlight. Finally, Mia jerked, like waking from a dream. “I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.” She grasped his hands across the table, holding them like she was trying to pull him out of the water, keep him from drifting away. Nobody had looked at him like that in years, and every second of her gaze restored a little more of his faith, making him feel more like a man. Someone who could be trusted. Someone who wouldn’t fail all over again.
“It’s okay. It was a long time ago.” Izzy tried to shake off the weird mood, standing up to prepare two cups of spicy tea with milk. Mia declined sugar, but he added honey.
As he returned to the table, he caught the shine in her eyes. “Do you... have tears in your eyes?” He couldn’t help leaning in. “Didn’t you say...”
She squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed them with her fingers, studying them in the window’s light. “Half a drop, maybe.” She turned to him, shock etched on her face. “You are going to make me cry! Honestly, I can feel it. I haven’t been this close to tears in a long time, but these last couple of days... What are you doing to me?”
“Wow. That sounds like a horrible goal, to make a woman cry.” Izzy’s mouth pulled into an odd smile. “Unless it’s what you want?”
She blinked at him, more moisture gathering on the surface of her corneas, shining like jewels. “I do!” She looked away, swallowing. “I didn’t even know how much I wanted it. I got so used to breathing through that tight feeling in my chest. The stupid thing is that I’ve felt grateful for it, more than once, even proud I’m not the one weeping in the office when things go wrong. Women tend to cry when they’re humiliated or criticised, and they lose respect. Being the one not crying makes you powerful, in control. I thought I wanted that. If you saw me at work... you wouldn’t recognise me.” She fiddled with her tea bag. “I told you they call me the ice queen. Mikko is so proud of it. He calls me his secret weapon.”
Izzy’s brow furrowed.
