Page 60 of My Lucky Star
We drove in silence, listening to the music. After ten minutes, I noticed Cem had fallen asleep. I’d heard jet lag lasted 24 hours for each time zone crossed, and coming here from Europe, you crossed half of them. How would I cope with the flights if we went to Istanbul? What if I fell asleep in the middle of one of those public outings? It’d be awful, but not the worst outcome I could imagine.
Maybe I really did have trust issues. I couldn’t trust anything to work out and not only relationships. For seven years, I’d made rejection part of my weekly routine. I’d told myself I needed to keep putting myself out there, to develop a thicker skin. And to an extent, it worked. I got used to the turndowns. In the end, I hadn’t questioned why I only scored two-line parts, or why my boyfriends wanted to keep things casual, or why I had so many superficial friendships that meant more to me than the other person. I’d accepted that I wasn’t the one people committed to or banked on. I was the one they used for a while, so that’s what I became good at; being useful. If I didn’t expect too much, it hurt less.
I glanced at Cem. The lush, fern-covered scenery created a majestic backdrop behind his sleeping frame, like another movie scene I got to enjoy privately. I wondered if he knew how much he’d already given me. Even if I struggled to receive his attention or believe his words, I felt seen. Like I was worth the effort.
The road climbed up a steep hill, emerging from the bush into full sunshine. Finally, we arrived on top. I parked, waking up Cem.
His whole body jerked, ripped from sleep. He blinked, bewildered. “What happened?”
I only meant to touch his forearm, as casually as possible, but he stretched both arms over his head, yawning, and my hand landed on his thigh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” I muttered, staring at my hand.
He interlaced his fingers behind his head and cast a downward glance at my hand, waiting for my next move.
I had no next move.
Disengage, my brain told me. It was the only option, but actioning the command seemed to take ages. I hoped time onlyseemedto slow down as my brain worked at triple speed, playing a film of every touch and kiss we’d shared, each memory burning hot on my skin.
Cem lowered his arms, placed his hand over mine and gave it a squeeze. My heart lurched somewhere in my windpipe as his gaze dipped to my lips. I tensed every muscle in my body to stop myself from leaning in.
After a moment, he seemed to sober up. “God, I’m so jet lagged. Where are we?”
“It’s a lookout called Te Mata Peak.”
The parking lot looked empty. We were alone. I got out of the car, and he followed me up a short flight of stairs, to a rock formation that rose above the fenced mountain top. A blast of wind greeted us, and I held onto my T-shirt. I really should have worn a bra, even if I hated the way they trapped me with their metal wires. Even if I’d chosen to play this dangerous game. To entice him, to tease him, make him work hard at this friend gig, I hadn’t had this effect on anyone in a long time, maybe ever, and each look and touch built me up in an intoxicating way.
“This is epic!” Cem shouted, spreading his arms, turning to peer into every direction.
To the West, hills and mountains stretched out to the horizon, a bright green gradually fading into a soft, hazy sage. To the East, Napier, framed by the vast ocean, baked in the sun. It was an ethereal view, one that never ceased to amaze me. Looking over the hills, I felt alone in a world mostly void of people, dominated by nature’s giant peaks and valleys. It didn’t bother me. Here, my perpetual insignificance became a design feature, not a point of despair.
Cem turned to me. “I can’t believe we’re alone here! Don’t people know about this?”
I chuckled. “They do, but there are not that many people.”
Cem sighed. “Tell that to Istanbul.”
“A lot of people?” My stomach twisted.
Cem gave me a cautious smile. “I don’t want to put you off, but yeah, compared to this, we’re like sardines.”
We sat on a flat rock, and I wrapped my arms around my body to shield myself from the breeze. It was colder up here. Cem immediately removed his T-shirt and wrapped it around my shoulders.
I stared at the goosebumps covering his bare arms and chest. “Now you’re freezing. This is silly. Let’s go back to the car.”
“I don’t want to leave yet.”
“Okay, then put this back on.” I handed his shirt back to him. “I think I have a blanket in the car.”
Cem perked up and dove back into his shirt. I gave him the keys and he ran to the car and back in record time, bringing back the checkered woolen blanket I kept for spontaneous picnic needs. So far, no such needs had emerged.
The blanket would have been big enough to reach over our shoulders, sitting side by side, but he straddled the rock. I sat a little farther away, letting him keep the blanket.
“What are you doing?” He scooted closer and yanked me toward him. “Come here. I have a plan for our survival.”
I laughed and relented, leaning against his chest. I pulled my knees to my chest, and he wrapped the blanket around both of us, cocooning me in its woolen embrace. Warmth enveloped me from neck to toes and my body relaxed. As soon as it did, I also felt him, the hardness of his chest and the heartbeat that pounded through two layers of T-shirt fabric, delivering its rhythm straight into my chest. His arms settled around my tightly folded limbs like a husk around a seed. I felt him everywhere. The heaviness of those arms made my heart swell, then flutter in panic.
This was quicksand. I already craved more. More of him.
“I looked you up,” he whispered in my ear. “You’re a great actress.”
