Page 46 of Falling Slowly
She made a small noise of disagreement. “But what if I want to?”
“If you come to me and you want to sleep with me because you want tobewith me, I’m in. But only if you want more than sex.”
I didn’t even realize how true those words were before they raced out of my mouth. This is what I needed—Bess with me. I’d be allowed to take care of her. To get involved.
“What?” Her green eyes flashed like jewels catching the light, offset by the flaming red of her hair. Like a fucking goddess.
My stomach somersaulted. Was I ready for this? Someone with this much substance? A real relationship?
“You heard me,” I said, my voice sticking to my throat.
Her eyebrows gathered in a slight frown. “But… you sleep around all the time! It doesn’t mean anything.”
“How do you know who I sleep with?”
She met my gaze without flinching. “Teresa said you leave every party with a different woman.”
“I have friends. I entertain people. I date. But I don’t sleep with every woman. I haven’t slept with anyone in… I don’t know. A couple of months? And even that was a one-off after a dry spell. I don’t want meaningless sex. I’m thirty-five. I want something real.”
“Really?” She sounded like she didn’t believe me.
I couldn’t blame her. I could imagine what my life must have looked like from the outside. But a lot of it was for show. I entertained the daughters of my father’s business partners. I wined and dined clients. Some of them were female and attractive. Some came onto me. But I found myself restless and ended the evening quickly if there wasn’t much chemistry. I was searching for something, but always left wanting.
“Is it really that unbelievable that I’d want something meaningful that’s also incredibly hot?”
“Have you tried ordering it from Kickstarter? I heard it’s where you can find theseunbelievablethings?—”
“Ha ha. What’s wrong with having high expectations? People who don’t aim higher end up settling for mediocre crap.”
“People like me?”
Ouch.
“No. Why would you think that?”
She rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling. Everything in the room felt blue. “I don’t have high expectations. Sometimes it’s easier to have no expectations.”
I stretched out next to her, trying to switch my brain onto a different gear. Because I needed to hear this. I needed to find out more about her, right now when her mind was wandering, eyes soft and lips ready to spill. But I didn’t want to corner her. I wanted to give her space. In a way, it was easier to talk lying side by side, not seeing each other’s eyes.
I waited, breathing as silently as I could, until she spoke again. “I don’t mean I’d take just anyone. I’d much rather have nothing. No one. I know lightning doesn’t strike twice and I’ve already had a love story. I don’t expect another one.”
“What if you’re the tallest tree, up on a hill?”
“Huh?”
“Then you’re basically a lightning rod.”
She laughed softly. “Well, then my tired metaphor falls apart, doesn’t it? But it doesn’t mean I’m going to find love again.”
“Not with that attitude.”
“Are you saying my defeatist whining isn’t sexy?” She buried her face in her hand, shaking from laughter.
“I’m saying, you don’t date, so how would you ever meet anyone? How would you even give anyone a chance?”
She turned her head and cracked her fingers to peek at me. “Dating means eating in restaurants.”
“I’d never make my date pay.”
