Page 99 of Falling Slowly
As I stared at the glory of autumn colors on the horizon, the answer came to me. I’d have to tell my mom or Charlie what I’d done. That was the only way. Instead of pills, I’d swallow my pride and out myself as the clumsiest idiot in Colorado. Jack had been alone and too proud to ask for help, spiraling deeper into his stupid risk investments, too wired to sleep.
I was not going down that way.
I heard Celia’s bubbling laugh from somewhere behind the cabin. They must have been on their way back. I made a half-hearted attempt to get up, but what was the point? I’d made my decision. I’d say the awkward thing, even if it made me burst into flames. I could try to avoid risk, but I couldn’t hide. I’d be the brave wolf with the fat chest. Oh, my. If all these blunders made me fall pregnant, Iwouldhave a fat chest, I thought, and an odd, uncontrollable laugh escaped.
Charlie found me on the porch steps, holding two pills, laughing with tears streaming down my face. He lifted Celia off his shoulders and sat next to me, his voice cracking with concern. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“No. I’m an idiot. Charlie, I lost the pill. I dropped it on the porch and then I scoured every inch of this area and I found these two. And now I don’t know what to do.”
He stared at me in horror. “Yes, you do! You flush those down the toilet, right now.”
“I mean, I need to take it. I should have taken it last night, but I fell asleep putting Celia to bed.” I looked up at him, my eyes blurring with tears. “It was right after our phone call. She stirred, and I curled up next to her to settle her down and then I must have fallen asleep. Didn’t even brush my teeth. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry about what? You were exhausted. We both were.”
“But I should have taken that pill right away when I got it. When I was still functioning. I was so stupid. I thought I’d get Celia to bed first…” I sniffed.
Celia crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you, Mommy. Don’t be sad.”
Charlie smiled, stroking my hair. “She’s right. We love you. Don’t be sad.”
Tears flowed freely now, completely distorting my vision, which made it easier for Charlie to remove the pills from my hand. “But seriously, we’re flushing these. You never swallow random pills you find on the ground, right?”
“Mommy doesn’t let me pick up candy in the street, even if it’s still in the wrapper,” Celia informed him.
“Exactly! This is the same thing. Right?”
“Right,” I finally answered, my mouth sticky, hands limp.
“We can pick up another one in town this afternoon when we go to the festival.”
I nodded, and relief slowly trickled down my spine. Of course, that was the sane thing to do. Not having an emotional breakdown over two dirty pills.
Charlie leaned closer to whisper in my ear. “Or we can take our chances, because we’re okay either way. We’re fine.”
“Stop that,” I hissed. “You don’t want a baby. You have no idea?—”
“Nobody does. It’s one of those blind jumps, isn’t it?”
I nodded. I’d been the blindest of all. I’d jumped and crash landed as a broke single mom. Still, I couldn’t imagine life without Celia. She had so much light in her. Even in the darkest times, she never let me slip into the void. I told myself I had to keep it together for her, but I drew strength from her shining green eyes like some sort of life force vampire. Her hugs, wild dreams and enthusiasm sustained me.
“We’re all going in blind, I guess. Nobody knows what’s coming.”
I glanced at my daughter, tugging on Charlie’s hand. “I want to do the loopy loop.”
Charlie got up and held her hands, letting her climb up his body and somersault over, landing back on the ground. My little monkey. I clapped obligingly.
Mom reached us, blowing out a breath. “She’s got a lot of energy, that one.”
“Sure does.” Charlie lifted his arm so that Celia could swing from it.
“I think I need to lie down for a bit.” Mom edged past us to get inside the cabin.
Charlie set Celia down. “Do you want to go check that tree for pinecones? Five dollars each, remember?”
“Five dollars?” I eyeballed him, watching my daughter skip away with the backpack.
“Is that too much? Too little?” Charlie looked alarmed. “I wanted to motivate her, and she said she’s saving up for an iPad.”
