Page 71 of Falling Madly
I couldn’t remember what exactly I’d told him, but the truth of it hit me hard. I’d been finding reasons to hate him, to stick to my opinion, because nothing was more painful than changing your mind. But I could hear it now like he’d heard it, as a challenge to be better. To be worth my time.
“I’m sorry, Trevor. I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t good enough. I was just angry with you.”
“I know. But I had to change, and ye gave me the push I needed. You challenged me to really look at myself and ask who I wanted to be, how I wanted to live. And for how long,” he added with a rueful half-smile. “I didn’t want to be a flabby, spineless weasel with fucked up lungs. I wanted to be better, even if I never had a chance with you.”
“You were never?—”
“I was.” He cut me off, and I sighed.
“Were you really making progress in therapy, before… you know… yesterday?” I winced.
He tilted his head, blowing out a breath. “Yes, and no. That’s not why I started therapy, but my therapist did caution me aboutgoing after you. And Charlie agreed, obviously. Nobody thought I had a chance. They still don’t.”
“Why? They know we’re sleeping together.”
“No. You told them we slept together. Past tense.”
I shifted on the rug, trying to shake my discomfort.
“I don’t know why I said it like that,” I admitted. “I didn’t mean it was a mistake or anything. Twice is a pattern, right?”
“No. Once is by chance. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.” He smiled his lopsided smile, his warm eyes studying me.
“Well, I see a pattern! But maybe we have to sleep together one more time, so you see it, too.”
“Maybe.” He smiled.
“I mean, it keeps happening. Against my better judgment, or yours. And even if I don’t know about our future, I hate all that talk about you pining for me, like you’re pathetic for…”
“Falling in love with you?” he finished.
My heart squeezed so hard I almost clutched my chest. There they were—the words I’d been dancing around. I turned my head, too overwhelmed to look at him. “You don’t know me that well. I’m not perfect. I need to change, too.”
“You’re perfect to me.”
My face flushed with heat, and I laughed a little desperately. “Oh, shut up!” I aimlessly swung my arm at him, and he dodged, grinning.
“Make me.” He backed away and stretched out on the sheepskin rug, arms behind his head, smiling like the invincible fool he was.
I didn’t like distance between us. I didn’t like it at all. I climbed on top of him, sitting down so he couldn’t escape. I leaned forward, slipping my fingers under the waistband of his jeans. “See? We keep sleeping together. In present tense.”
“It seems so.”
“I don’t want to overthink this.” I popped the button.
“Okay.”
I paused, narrowing my eyes. “You’re not supposed to go along with this. This is not what you want, remember?”
My heart hammered in my chest. I felt like a scammer who’d been made, yet somehow evaded punishment. But I was also touching him, my crotch pressing against his, my forehead brushing his shoulder. I never wanted this contact to end.
“How do you know this is not exactly what I want?” His voice was soft, eyes half-closed.
“I thought you wanted more.” I swallowed past the twinge in my throat. “And I just want to sleep with you.”
He laughed. It was a gentle, rolling sound that made his body rock against mine. “No, you don’t.”
“Excuse me?”
