Page 75 of Falling Madly
“That’s it? But you proposed?—”
“I loved her, but it wasn’t like this. And maybe you’ll never feel what I feel, but trust me, when it hits you this hard, once is enough.”
I felt a strange pressure in my chest, like my heart was too big for my rib cage. “How do you know you’re in love?”
He shrugged. “Ye just know.”
“You look at someone and… just know?”
“You look at them and… either you see a poor sod you like enough to sleep with, or someone you don’t want to live without.”
He looked at me, his brow slightly raised as if to ask, “which is it?”
My chest felt even more uncomfortable. I couldn’t imagine living with anyone, merging with another person like that. It sounded like living without oxygen. Delirious for a moment, then dead.
He read the conflict on my face and nodded. “It’s okay.”
“I only just broke up with Richard. It’s too early.”
“You’re right.” His voice was thick with hurt as he took our glasses and loaded them into the dishwasher.
I’d shot him down again. I’d stomped on his heart. I’d done exactly what Bess had warned me about. I felt shitty and cornered. But most of all, I felt sad. Whatever was brewingbetween us was burdened by too much, right from the start. Maybe we’d never had a chance.
“You must be a bit sore from sleeping on the floor last night,” I said. “Take the couch. I’ll get the camping mattress.” A persistent yawn stretched my jaw, reminding me of how poorly I’d slept last night. “Also, we should probably take that chair off the bedroom door. It’s a fire hazard.”
Trevor took care of the chair as I fetched the mattress and set it up by the fire. I chose one of the many cushions and grabbed a soft throw from the couch, thinking it was a good thing my Pinterest dream came with so much bedding.
We took turns using the second bathroom. Trevor was done in five minutes, avoiding my eyes as he stepped out in a towel, leaving the door open for me. My belly flipped at the sight. He looked so beaten, like wrestler after a losing match, his muscles rippling under dewy skin. I shut the bathroom door, leaning on the sink. I wanted so badly to fix everything. I wanted him to be my friend. I wanted him to be okay. But I couldn’t fix myself.
Taking a deep breath, I faced the mirror. Mascara flakes decorated my cheekbones like a fallout of soot. My cheeks burned ruddy red, and my hair was a frizzy mess, ears peeking from between rogue curls. I looked like an insomniac elf, even without the costume.
I missed my hair-smoothing spray and face cream. To be honest, I missed my entire bathroom shelf and my evening rituals, but at least I had the toothbrush. I hadn’t worn any makeup all day, apart from that little mascara I’d managed to apply in the cafe bathroom, which I must have rubbed off at some point.
I always made an effort before I left my apartment. That night by the pool, I’d spent two hours getting ready. Although, jumping into the pool might have canceled out most of thateffort. And he’d kissed me after, before I’d fixed my hair or re-applied makeup. On this trip, he’d seen me at my barest.
Richard had joked about how the face-washing at the end of the day ruined the illusion. He’d wanted me in my party gear, face painted to perfection. And I’d played along, making sure he only saw me in flawless makeup. Okay, maybe not flawless, but better than this. He’d never said he’d kick me out of bed, but I’d picked up on those hints and adjusted to his expectations. Because I wanted to be loved and admired. Everyone did.
With Trevor, I hadn’t once thought about my appearance or doubted the attraction between us. It was as obvious as the trees surrounding the cabin. There was an ease with him my soul craved. Knowing that he adored me, and me alone. I didn’t deserve it, but it drew me in, making me buzz like a stupid little fly above a jar of honey.
My legs a little shaky, I returned to the living room and found him on the camping mattress by the fire.
“Get up!” I told him. “We agreed you’d take the couch.”
“No.” He gestured at the couch, then rolled over, facing away from me. “It’s yer couch. You should have it.”
I huffed, folding my arms. I couldn’t fight him. The man was built like a tree. “Only if you share it with me.”
He jerked a little, turning to peer at me over his shoulder. “What?”
“You heard me. I’ll take the couch if you sleep there with me. It’s a very deep couch.”
He sat up, frowning at me. “You trying to torture me or something?”
“No. I like you, Trevor. Ireallylike you. And I could use a friend.”
He got up and sat on the couch, eyeing me from under drawn brows. “I can’t spoon you all night without getting hard.”
“That’s fine,” I assured, climbing in next to him. “I didn’t mean a platonic friend.”
