Page 88 of Falling Madly
“I’m sorry,” I said, when we made it to the highway.
“For what?”
“For not texting you my whereabouts. I tried to, but we were already out of range.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I can see from your face that it’s not. I should have asked Kyle to turn around, but I felt like I needed a moment to cool off and organize my thoughts. Julian… I haven’t seen him in years. Not since?—”
“He sexually assaulted you and you set his car on fire.”
“Wait. How do you know that?”
“Peony told me. I freaked out when I couldn’t find ye and went to talk to her.”
“Did she tell you that she and Julian?—”
“That he raped her? Yes. And it doesn’t sound like she told the police. What am I missing?” He sounded angry now, his fist squeezing the steering wheel.
“She didn’t want to talk about it or think about it. And I promised I wouldn’t say anything. We were young. It was a difficult time.”
“So, she let you take the punishment?”
“I’m the one who burned the car. Itwasmy punishment.”
“But she could have outed him! She could have given context. It sounds like that guy really struggles with consent and she wasn’t the only victim. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about that.”
Of course, I’d thought about it, but a promise was a promise. “I warned her about him, but she was so in love she wouldn’t listen. We had a horrible fight. She made up all these excuses for him. She said he’d only been going out with me as a bet. Now that I think about it, it was probably true, but I was so hurt. Like, he couldn’t have possibly wanted to sleep with me. That I’d misread the situation and elbowed him in the nuts when he was just reaching for the door handle.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yeah. It threw me and I started doubting myself. But I remember him touching me. I remember his hand between my legs…”
“No door handle there.”
“No.” I attempted to laugh, but it sounded like a cough. “I don’t think she meant to gaslight me. She just wanted so badly to believe his version of it. Because the hottest guy at school had noticed her. So, she went out with him. Later, I found out whathappened to her, and I don’t know… I was just relieved that she even told me. She came to see me, and we talked all night and she cried and cried. She made me swear not to tell, and I didn’t want to pressure her. I was so scared of losing a friend.”
“I thought you lost touch, anyway.”
I sighed. “Yeah. Because I’m stupid and didn’t do what she asked. I couldn’t leave it alone. I went back with gasoline and a packet of matches. She wanted to stay far away from all the drama and after that, I was roped into all of it.”
“She could have given a statement. She could have said something.”
“She kept saying it wasn’t really rape because she didn’t fight him that hard. That maybe she wanted it on some level.”
“That’s bullshit, and she’s changed her tune since then.”
My heart ached for Peony. “That’s good, I guess. I hope she found the courage to tell her story, even if it was later.”
“Did you tell your story?”
“I did, during the arson trial, but it didn’t help. It was my word against Julian’s. He said he broke up with me and I flipped out. I had no evidence, and they all believed him. Everyone but my mom and my sister. And Peony. I guess I’m lucky I had no evidence,” I concluded. “I got away.”
“It doesn’t mean he didn’t hurt you,” he said quietly.
We stared out the windows at the endless trees flicking past. I felt a sense of sadness, but also calm. Like I’d taken the first step by letting light into a dusty basement to see the damage. It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. The memories felt shrunken and lifeless. They held no power to hurt me.
“I couldn’t believe he was interested in me,” I said. “I wasn’t a cheerleader. I wasn’t one of those blondes. But I fell for it all the same. The gifts and compliments and car rides. And when he decided it was time for us to… you know, he sort of implied it was unreasonable for me to say no or even ask for him to wait.Because he’d put in all that effort. Ticked all the boxes. I’m so glad I ran off.” I filled my lungs, the memories swelling inside me like I’d eaten something spoiled. “Because later, I found out he and his friends had a bet going on. That’s why he was asking for my underwear, trying to rip it off. It was supposed to be his trophy.”
