Page 94 of Falling Madly
“Did you hear what he said to those guys after the sledding contest? After you ran off? I got part of it on camera.”
I held my breath as she pulled out her phone and brought up a video clip. Trevor’s booming voice shot an instant arrow intomy heart. “She’s with me, and if you mess with her, you mess with me!” he shouted. “If you start any trouble, I’ll make sure your dirty laundry gets aired very publicly!”
I heard Julian’s irritated voice in the background, but Bess closed the video. “You don’t need to hear that,” he said apologetically.
I stared at her silent phone, Trevor’s words still ringing in my ears. “Dirty laundry? He didn’t even know what happened. Not until later.”
I’d since told Bess the whole saga and told her to tell Charlie. It was better that they all knew.
Bess shrugged. “He took a wild guess. Guys like that always have dirty laundry. And he was right on the money.”
I sighed, shaking my head. “I can’t believe he stood up for me. I’d only just told him what I did, and he didn’t even know why.”
Bess smiled. “Love is blind. The only question is, how do you feel abouthim?”
I shook my head, feeling the familiar confusion and panic. “I don’t know! I’ve never been in love, and I’ve been waiting for that thing to hit me. It’s supposed to feel like a freight train, right?”
Bess wrinkled her nose. “A freight train? That doesn’t sound pleasant.”
“You know, big! Heavy. Not subtle.”
“Why not subtle?”
“Because I’m not a subtle person. I feel strongly about many things. But when it comes to men, I’ve never felt like I wanted to give up my independence, my freedom… andmergewith another person.” I shuddered. “I see people doing that. Changing everything about themselves and blending together.”
Bess gave me a reproachful look. “You say it like we exist in liquid form. You don’t lose your essence by falling in love. Youdiscover it. You get to see yourself through the other person’s eyes.”
I thought of the way Trevor had looked at me, like I’d hung the moon and the stars and half the galaxy. But that was before he knew my past.
“I feel like I can’t live up to this image he has of me. Or had. I don’t know what he’s thinking now.”
“He loves you, plain and simple.”
I sat with the uncomfortable truth, drinking my coffee with its mildly burned flavor, watching the people outside the window. A blur of dark winter coats. That’s what other people were. A blur of coats. Unless I stopped and focused on someone and truly connected. Unless I let someone in to see the mess.
I’d start with Bess.
“That day in Kyle’s cabin, I was convinced he was going to murder me.”
She spat her coffee. “What?”
I cringed. “Yeah. He joked about dead bodies in his basement and then I found a four-gallon container of bleach under his sink. Is that suspicious?”
Bess lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know. People who live remotely tend to buy in bulk.”
“Anyway, it turned out I misread the whole thing. I heard the story of the missing tourist, and my imagination ran with it. My whole life, I’ve been waiting for the freight train of love to hit me, and I always thought I could at least trust my instincts to tell me when it happened. But now I feel like I can’t trust myself. I freaked out so badly that I fainted. I fucking fainted, thinking I was going to die.” Shame pulsed through me, coloring my cheeks.
“That’s horrible!”
“But it was all in my head. So, even if I was in love with Trevor, how would I know? My brain is misfiring!” I foughttears, trying to turn so that nobody else in the cafe saw me, but we were sitting at the window. On display.
Bess placed her hand over mine. “I get how awful that was. I might have freaked out as well. But it doesn’t mean your instincts are broken. It just means you let the fear take the wheel. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes.”
I thought about what Trevor had told me about his premonitions, and how he’d been convinced Gavin was bad news. That was why he’d wanted me off the project—to protect me from a threat he had perceived, one that I couldn’t sense at all. It had been real for him. Just as real as what I’d experienced in Kyle’s cabin. Real enough to knock you out.
“He’s been trying to protect me. All this time,” I said quietly to no one in particular. “Trevor’s never wanted to hurt me.”
“No, he didn’t,” Bess said, relief in her voice. “I’m glad you can see it now.”
