Page 11 of Falling Madly
“But… some of the lads find you intimidating.”
Of course. “So, that’s why nobody wants me on their team?”
“I do. But I don’t have that much say.”
“Ha!” I yelped in protest. If anyone had say with Charlie, it was him.
I kicked off my heels and launched off the bench, tiptoeing to the pool’s edge. Careful of my short dress, I sat down, dipping my legs into the water. It felt warmer than I’d expected, almost like a hot tub. I spread my toes and moved my feet, relieving the ache and numbness caused by the not-so-sensible three-inch heels.
After a moment, Trevor joined me. He’d removed his shoes and rolled up his jeans. “Now it feels like a beach trip.”
He took a deep breath that somehow made him sound like an old man, tired of life.
“What were you like growing up?” I asked. “I have a hard time imagining you climbing trees and riding highland horses or whatever you did.”
He chuckled. “Is it the rattling lungs? I’ve had a chest infection for two months, and I know I need to quit smoking. Ireallyknow it. I used to be quite fit. I still lift, but I don’t run that much anymore. When I was a lad, our house was on a hillside, and I’d run up and down all the time. Down to the loch, to town to buy sweets, bum cigarettes… Fuck, I felt invincible.” He huffed.
“When did you start smoking?”
“At sixteen. I had a friend who was hooked already, and I didn’t want him to feel alone.”
“That’s the craziest reason to smoke!”
He nodded in agreement, hanging his head. Something about him always made me feel safe. As if I knew, without knowing, that he’d lay down his life for me. It made no sense and probably wasn’t true, but a deep, dark part of me craved that feeling. Being that important to someone.
“Looking back, I wish I’d been more of a lone wolf. Could’ve saved my life.”
“It’s not a bad thing that people want you around.” My voice was as quiet as a whisper. “I’m sure it makes life a lot easier.”
I could count with one hand the people who truly wanted me around, with no agenda. Mom, my sister Suze, and Bess. And Trevor, it seemed. I told myself I didn’t mind. People were generally shit sandwiches, and I had no time to weed out the good ones amongst those who were just waiting to stab you in the back. But I also knew I would have been a lot further in my career if I were popular, like him.
It was hard to be friends with colleagues, though. Bess was different, but many others simply saw me as competition. If I’dbeen a little wary of people before, working in advertising didn’t help.
“Who wouldn’t want you around?” he asked. “You’re a delight.”
“Ha!” The laugh launched out of my chest like a cough induced by a crazy tickle. “That’s a new one.”
“Wha’? I mean it!”
I kept laughing, even if the sound fizzled into something a bit sad. “It just doesn’t sound like me. Sounds a bit fake.”
“Hey! If thinking of someone makes me want to get out of bed, put on clothes and go to work, that personisa delight.”
Something in his voice gave me pause. It wasn’t a light comment.
“Do you often feel like… not getting out of bed?” I finally asked.
He chewed on his lip for a moment before answering. “I’ve had seasons when… it’s been hard. Hard to remember why you’d do anything. Why you’d try.”
“Was that when your mom died?”
“And long after. I think my decision to skip town came back to haunt me. First, I was happy to get away. My family is noisy and involved and everyone was dealing with it in their own way, sort of dragging each other down. So, when I left, I felt like I’d escaped and could start over. New place, new job. No reminders. And I had to work hard, so I didn’t have too much time to think. But over time, the questions start drifting across the ocean. Why’re you still there? When are you coming back? It’s been long enough. And it’s hard to justify staying, even if you feel like you’ve built a life. They don’t see it. They see that I’m single and unattached and having a bit of an extended trip. Time to grow up, Trevor.”
“But your life is here. It’s valid.” My words rushed out too fast. I didn’t want to think of him leaving. Knowing he was there made going to work a lot more attractive to me, too.
“I think so,” he agreed. “And I don’twantto be single.”
“You want to live in a cabin in the woods with someone who skins the deer you shoot and bakes lots of cookies, right?”
