Page 78 of The Holiday Grump
“Can we play house for the day and not talk about the future?” I asked, my face still nuzzled into his shirt, my every nerve soothed by his steady heartbeat.
I wasn’t asking him. I was asking myself. Could I, for once, suppress that part of my brain that sputtered dangerous, half-cooked thoughts and enjoy the moment? Especially as we were on borrowed time.
“Okay.” His voice held a hint of sadness as he stroked my hair, placing a kiss on my forehead. “Let’s play house.”
We ate and cleaned up, then got dressed and pushed thesnow off his property, getting so sweaty that we had to shower again.
Two hours later,we were snuggled up on his couch, watchingThe Pelican Brief.
“I can’t believe you have a VHS player,” I said when the movie stopped for an ad break. An actual ad break from fifteen years ago, featuring Cadbury’s drumming gorilla ad. “And I can’t believe you’ve recorded this off the TV.”
Fredrik laughed. “I know. When Uncle Glenn gave me this player, everyone else was updating from DVD to Blu-ray. My parents had thrown out their VHS player a long time ago, but I kept my tapes. Everyone thought I was nuts.”
“You like well-worn things,” I said matter-of-factly. “I get it. A tape that’s been used many times has these little imperfections.” I pointed at the distortion on the edge of the image. “No two copies are the same. Each has its own unique damage. Like a signature.”
He shook his head, looking at me all soft and funny. “You make it sound a lot better than my high school classmates. But you’re right. I think that’s what makes us truly unique. The damages we take. It’s a lovely way of looking at the trauma and hang-ups.”
“Are you still hung up on Elora?” The question slipped out, and I tensed. This was exactly what I was not supposed to talk about. The heavy stuff.
Fredrik didn’t seem tense. He leaned back, arms behind his head. “No. I mean, she’s gone. There’s nothing to hangon to. But I still couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else. Not until I met you.”
My heart did a little flip and a jump. This was my fault. I’d opened the door to a conversation I couldn’t handle. “We’ve only just met.”
He sat up, paused the movie, and took my hands in his. My heart pounded so loudly I could barely hear his soft voice. “You woke me from a coma. I was existing, not living. I saw no future ahead of me. You’ve changed everything, Noelle. This isn’t a fling for me. It’s not an affair or a bit of fun. Maybe it is that for you?” His eyes glossed. “You’ve satisfied your curiosity. But for me, this is huge.”
My throat clogged up with tears, too. I’d end up hurting him so much. I’d end up hurting myself. “Itishuge! I wasn’t expecting or planning or… I don’t know what to do with this. I love being here with you. I love everything about today. But I’m scared.”
His grip on my hands tightened. “What can we not conquer? When you find someone who makes you feel alive, you do anything, right?”
Panic joined the swelling sensations in my chest. I wanted to give him everything. But I’d end up giving him the other side of me, too. The weird looks and the rumors. All the unfinished business. The shame.
“Do you really want the whole town knowing about us, though?”
Doing anything in public wasn’t his thing. Maybe that was our common ground.
His eyes glazed with defiance. “You don’t want to be seen with me?”
“Of course I do! But I thought it might be nice to keep this between us, at least for a little while before we let the whole town in. It’s a bit overwhelming, and I still don’t know what my future holds. I don’t have a job here beyond the holidays, and I don’t?—”
“You can stay if you want to! Stay with me. It’s not a problem.”
His gaze was boring holes into me. I looked away. “I can’t mooch off you for everything! I can’t be a charity case. I dropped out of college. Working on the cruise lines is the only real job experience I have. I’m good at it. When I’m out there, I’m safe and relaxed and not worrying…”
He dropped my hands and stood, his tone sharper. “Do you really like it that much? Being constantly on the move and wearing the same uniform every day? I’ve seen you get excited about so many things here. Either you’re lying to yourself or you’re lying to me!”
“About what?” I asked in a small voice.
“I think you want to stay and build a home. Be known. Be loved. Wear your outrageous colors and do your crafts. Be yourself.”
I don’t deserve that.
I wanted everything he described so badly my heart ached, but that nagging voice was like a pin that pricked my ballooning dreams. I couldn’t fall in love like nothing had happened. I’d already failed at it and hurt everyone.
I pulled my knees to my chest, gazing up at his looming height. “I can be myself on the ship. My home fits into a suitcase. I’m fine.”
His eyes filled with disappointment. “You’re still lying.”
“Spencer is looking for me,” I countered. “If he wants revenge, I don’t want you or anyone else caught in the crosshairs.”
