Page 68 of Scoring Zone
I ground myself in the acidic scent.
“You want to tell the team about us so they don’t worry, but I’m concerned about what happens to you afterward.” My fingers grip his so hard they turn white.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Eventually, you will be. I’m positive of that. But.” When I pause, he makes an impatient sound. “Have you ever consideredthat the darkness you’ve identified as shame is overriding your nervous system?” I let the question sit between us.
“I don’t understand.” His brow scrunches, and there isn’t any anger in his voice.
“You can disagree with me, but I’ve noticed a pattern since you told me about it. It takes over when you experience extreme emotions. Good and bad. Self-loathing and”—I wince as I say—“love. It would be completely normal to initially have feelings of shame about loving a man.”
“No,” he disagrees.
Instead of arguing, I let him process what I’ve said.
“That’s…sad.” His head drops to his chin.
“Managing feelings is a skill most adults struggle with, and your family didn’t tolerate big emotions. As someone who has known you for years, you have a hard time with that.” He lets me hug him, and relief courses through me.
“It makes me sound self-deluded.”
“Nah, most people don’t share their true feelings. And you were able to identify it as the correct emotion after a few sessions. It takes some people years andyears.” I get the laugh I was aiming for. “My main concern is that you choose your mental health over prioritizing the team.” I hold him close as if that will convince him.
Austin pulls away but keeps an arm around me. “I’m reeling right now.”
“Are you upset with me?” I ask, sucking in a breath.
“No, you should be able to tell me your fears. I’m no relationship guru, but that’s basic stuff.” He pulls me back into a bear hug. “If I’m honest, you’re probably right. I’ve dealt with repressing things for so long, I never considered the problems it could cause. I promise to talk to Victoria about everything before I make any big decisions.”
The air leaves my lungs in a slow exhale, expelling my anxiety with it. The truth has weighed me down, but now I’m relieved and lighter. “As long as we have each other, we’ll be fine.”
“Better than fine.” He kisses me on the mat in the practice facility, unconcerned that someone could see us. It both elates and terrifies me with the taste of cinnamon in my mouth.
Chapter 29
Austin
My appointment with Victoria is in person, and I wish I had my computer to hide behind. Gray offered to come with me, but I feel stupid, like there’s something so wrong with me that I don’t have control over myself. Coming alone is one step toward regaining control.
Her office has beige walls with a few colorful, abstract paintings. There’s her desk, desk chair, couch, and a club chair.
I plant my ass in the club chair, word-vomit my love for Grayson, my intense panic attack, my shame epiphany, and his theory about why it happened.
I explain how I tempted fate, and it kicked my ass. The darkness reared up and took me down without warning after I was sure it was gone.
She doesn’t show any outward signs of surprise. “You’ve been holding in a lot, and I appreciate your trust in me. What are your thoughts on Grayson’s opinion?”
“I don’t know,” I confess.
“Let’s take a step back and talk about shame.”
It doesn’t take me long to go over my experiences, and she asks a few follow-up questions.
“You said he fears you coming out might negatively affect your mental health?” she asks kindly.
“Other people on my team have done it. I won’t be the first, and I want the team to know I support them,” I say, but my tone is sharper than I intended.
“You can only support your team if you come out?” she challenges.
