Page 38 of Scoring Zone
“My sweet Tinny,” I cup his neck. “That woman has probably heard things that would make your toes curl. Not to minimize your experience, but she will believe you, and it might not be the strangest thing she’s heard in a month. As for coming out, I know Liska had a few sessions with her, and so did Jayce McKenna. Don’t mention my name if you’re worried about the organization or privacy. When we tell the team, I won’t be allowed to treat you.” There’s a slim chance I could lose my job, but I push that aside and focus on what he needs.
“Wait! What?” His eyes widen in alarm.
“It’s standard in the medical community that you don’t treat family or significant others.” I play with the tiny hairs on the back of his neck.
“But there’s no one I trust more than you.”
“We don’t need to worry about that yet.” I kiss the corner of his mouth. “But will you tell her about the darkness?”
“I will.”
A thousand-pound weight lifts from me. Now I can concentrate on more fun things like playing with his body.
Chapter 17
Austin
My good fortune has to end soon. With Gray’s help, I’ve been able to contain the darkness and enjoy the morning with him. Gray’s the only person I’ve told who didn’t tell me I was either crazy or wrong.
I like Victoria, and she’s a professional, but that doesn’t make it easy. For her sake, I break my no-clothes rule for the video call. Gray thought I should wear my bathrobe, but that’s creepy. My laptop is set up at my desk in the corner of my bedroom, and Victoria’s smiling face appears on screen as I decide how to reveal my biggest secret.
We recap our last session, and she asks the million-dollar question. “What led you to seek my help?”
She doesn’t say my answer last session was unsatisfactory, but it’s implied by asking again.
I tell her about how I hurt the hockey player and how my sister broke her arm, explaining that I felt overtaken and not in control of my decisions or myself.
“Has that happened recently?”
“Yes, and I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone again.” I’m so relieved she’s nonjudgmental that I’m lightheaded.
“Tell me about it.”
I freeze. “It wasn’t on the ice.”
We go back and forth while I figure out how to phrase the experience. “I started a new relationship, and it happened twice while we were intimate.”
“And this has never happened while being intimate before?” When I confirm, she asks, “Is there something different about this relationship?”
I wince, but she can’t help if she doesn’t know. “It’s with a man.”
“Oh.” She lets out a long breath as if she needs to recalibrate. “Any big change could spark it. Were you brought up in a conservative or liberal home? Sometimes we internalize beliefs we don’t hold, and feelings about issues take on a life of their own.”
“My parents were religious and fairly conservative. But they didn’t forbid my being friends with Grayson when he came out,” I unnecessarily defend my family, and my mouth drowns in sourness.
“It’s interesting that your mind immediately jumped to that. Is that something you were afraid of?”
I nod. My parents aren’t overtly bigoted or homophobic, but they speak about the natural order of things and how the Bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman. Their silence about my support of Gray and LGBTQ issues said so much.
She asks me very specific questions about my childhood, accidents, injuries, witnessing others who were seriously hurt or killed, and my exposure to abuse of all forms: physical, sexual, and emotional.
“Austin, honestly, my expertise is in how your experience affects your playing, and you seem to suffer from traumatic guilt. I’m not qualified to do a deep dive into healing trauma.”
“Traumatic? It’s not trauma.” I’m glad I’m sitting down.
“How about this? We’ll work on your understanding of the darkness and the root of your fear. Once we find strategies to manage it, I may refer you to another therapist to continue to work on things beyond my expertise. I won’t stop seeing you until you’re ready or have another therapist.”
“I can live with that.” She’ll see I’m not traumatized. I only need to lock up the darkness successfully, and I’ll be fine.
