Page 51 of Love Beyond Repair
It’s Ben, he’s here. I try to move, but my body defies me.
“No, this is all your damn fault, leaving her like that. She fell for you, and you fucked off. Get out!” my sister snaps. “I warned you not to hurt her. She didn’t deserve…”
Then it all goes dark again, before the light stings my eyes once more. Amy’s sitting by my bedside when I come around. Maybe it was a dream.
“Ben?”
She smiles sadly. “No, it’s just me, Bex. How are you feeling? You gave us one hell of a fright.” I look at Amy, Terry standing behind her. His hand rests on her shoulder; something about the gesture is intimate, but I dismiss the thought as ridiculous.
“What happened?” I ask, confused. Amy’s concerned eyes flick over me, like she’s unsure what to say. “Tell me the truth, Amz, please.”
“Well,” she says, “you were chucked out of the club and collapsed on the street. They had to pump your stomach. You were having some sort of fit.”
I look at her blankly. I remember nothing.
“Was he here?” I whisper. She nods, offering another sad smile.
“Yes, but he’s gone now. He knows you’re okay. But, Bex, you can’t phone him again. He asked me to tell you to leave him alone. You’ve been phoning every night, leaving messages. Life’s complicated enough for him just now. You need to move on without him.”
Shame floods me. It’s true. Every night since he left, I’ve been drinking myself senseless and phoning him. After the first night, he stopped answering.
I really have lost it. And now, I’ve lost him too.
My chance of happiness is gone.
Chapter twenty-six
Kelsey
Six months have passed since my dad died. The black hole swallowed me up again, just like when my mother passed away. Without Ben, I would’ve been lost, but he came back to me, like I knew he would. He has always put my needs before his, even in the very early stages of our relationship when we were both too young to consider forever. He is the one thing in my life I can rely on.
I’m not stupid. I know he’s here because of loyalty, not love. But I’ll have him any way I can. Sometimes you just know that you’re meant to be with someone, that no matter who or what else gets in the way, you have to move the world to make it happen. And that’s what I did when my dad passed, I used every weapon in my arsenal to get mylife back to the way it should be. The way I planned it. It worked perfectly.
Ben returning to my side as my support is the light in what was a tragedy. Perhaps my father’s death was some divine intervention to push us back together. It was the universe aligning and ensuring we get back on track. When you’ve been together as long as Ben and I have, there are bound to be road bumps. And the past few years were just that: challenges before we found one another again.
There have been dark moments these past months, like the time a woman turned up on my doorstep claiming to be my father’s partner. She was tall and blonde, absolutely nothing like my mother. I hated her on sight.
“My father’s partner?” I asked, stunned.
“Yes, my name is Jackie. Your father and I had been seeing each other for a few months. I loved him very much. I want you to know…” she said, fake grief edging her tone.
Being confronted by her unexpectedly cracked something inside me. Change never comes easy, but when I couldn’t confirm her story with the man who knew the truth, I didn’t want to believe her. Not her. Not now. Not anyone. I couldn’t lose the father I thought was mine. So, I’d cut her off before she could say something I had to believe, slamming the door in her face.
The last thing I wanted to hear about was some cheap harlot my father had been having good times with. The audacity of turning up on my doorstep, thinking I’d beinterested in what she’d have to say. I didn’t need her sympathy, and neither did my dad. My father only had one life partner. And she’s dead alongside him. That was the only truth that mattered.
Ben wrapped his arms around me. Whispering something about not letting strangers steal my peace, then he went outside. When he came back, he didn’t mention her, just smiled and turned the kettle on. He sorted the disaster before it could grow, before it could pierce my heart beyond the pin prick meeting her had caused.
She never returned, and I never asked him what was said. She was of no interest to me. The danger was diverted, pain navigated, and things went back to as they were. Me grieving, and Ben managing my world to keep the peace. It suited both of us.
Ben and I have gotten into a routine of living together. We take turns with the housework, split the bills, and spend the weekends watching movies. His hours are long, but they always have been. He lives between our home and the hospital, only focusing on the two things that matter in his life.
Still on leave from work due to depression, I use my time at home to create a safe space for him with home-cooked meals and relaxed conversation. To show him what could be if he gives us another chance. I’ve not tried again since my blatant attempt, undressing at his parents’ house. That had been short-sighted and doomed to fail. If I wanted himback permanently as my partner, then I needed to show him I was all right too.
Together, we work like a well-oiled machine with years of experience under its belt. He watches me closely, judging my mood each evening. The dark days are becoming less frequent. I’m smiling more, and it’s because of him. Losing him again isn’t an option.
This weekend, the weather forecast is glorious. I’m going to treat us to a picnic in the countryside. It’s something we used to do when we were together. I’d create a delicious spread of sandwiches, cakes, and goodies. We would find a secluded spot somewhere and lay out our old checkered blanket and sit for hours, savoring the food and each other.
Maybe if he sees how easy it is with me. How good we are together. He’ll finally stop looking backwards. And focus on me, and what our life could be like. How we can forget our time apart, wipe the slate clean, and be us again beyond the grief, loss, and betrayal.
