Page 56 of Love Beyond Repair
I’m careful not to drink too much. I can’t trust myself around Ben. Deleting his number was damage control after I made one too many embarrassing phone calls. Drunk-me was convinced he might come back. We keep our distance from each other but steal glances whenever we can.
Even now, his body gives him away on our brief greetings and goodbyes. He still finds me attractive. I know that. And my feelings have never gone away. If anything, they’re stronger. The loss bites more now than the day heleft. People say time heals, that with grief, you fall off a cliff. But for me, it’s a spiraling staircase, each step down compounding the pain more.
Since I heard of their engagement, I have a recurring dream of walking down the aisle to him, only to be exchanged with her at the altar. Then, I’m being made to watch them complete the ceremony as an onlooker in the crowd, still wearing my wedding dress. Each night, I wake up soaked in sweat with tears staining my cheeks.
Amy and I have discussed all the pros and cons of me attending the wedding. But at the end of the day, they are my friends. It’s my responsibility to show my support. Well, so Amy says.
My relationship with Ben was a long time ago. I need to shake it off and move on. Lots of friends have brief romances, then go back to being nothing more. I just wish someone could convince my heart of that. I’m not sure what she thinks I’ve been trying to do, but getting over him isn’t that easy. He’s a permanent resident in my head.
I tickI will attendon the reply form and post it before I can change my mind. When I asked Max to accompany me, he gave me a flat no. He hates Ben. For leaving me. For breaking my heart.
“But, Max,” I wailed. “They’ve been my friends for years. If I don’t go, isn’t it more obvious?”
“Do you honestly think I’m stupid enough to agree to go to that asshole’s wedding with you? The day will be adisaster. For you. I’m telling you now, Bex, this isn’t a good idea. What Amy thinks is irrelevant. This is about your needs and your inability to get over that prick.”
“Some friend you are,” I shouted. “You’re nothing but a jealous bastard.”
“Bex, I’m done. Contact me when you get a grip on yourself and need an actual friend.”
Without another word, he stormed out of my apartment, not looking back.
Max thinks I should have cut all ties years ago, but I don’t want to be the destroyer of our friendship group. That’s not who I am. Max can go to hell, but it still hurts that he didn’t look back.
***
Sitting on the rock-hard wooden pew surrounded by peopledressed to impressin a church is the most uncomfortable place I’ve ever been. Every color, style, and adornment are on show today. Weddings bring out the peacock in everyone. People primp, preen, and practically prune themselves into perfection. Or so-called perfection. Their perceived perfection. I giggle under my breath. Hell, what do half of them look like?
I stretch my arms in front of me, wiggling my bright-pink fingernails. Why the hell did I come? What didI think I’d feel? Closure? Peace? I’m certainly not here by choice. Bloody Amy and her monologues.
And now, she’s even a fucking bridesmaid. Someone dropped out, and my sister fit in the dress. She had to step up, well, so she said. I suspect she just liked the idea of wearing a fancy dress and prancing around for the day. That’s left me to fly solo, for now anyway.
Mrs. Lewis, a kindly old woman, leans forward and whispers in my ear. “Isn’t it beautiful, dear? The flowers, the music, the church.”
I swipe her huge orange feather that is dangling from her boat-sized hat away from my ear.Just breathe, Bex. You can do this.I smile, but don’t respond. The current choice of words running through my head is probably not appropriate in the Lord’s House. Whether or not I believe in him.
A hush falls over the congregation, and the organ starts its droning tune. Ben stands tall at the front of the church with his best man, Terry, by his side. Ben looks so handsome.
Ice-blue eyes meet mine for a beat, and I smile shyly. I deliberately tried to position myself at the back of the hall, out of sight. That didn’t work. He snaps his eyes away from me, returning to talk to the minister. His coldness cuts deeper than I expect. You invited me, remember?
And then, of course, the bride arrives.
Kelsey enters the church with her uncle by her side. Her poor father and mother didn’t live long enough to see theirdaughter marry the love of her life. The love ofmylife, I think bitterly. I’m not sure why I came. Maybe because it would look worse if I didn’t. But it bloody hurts.
Once, I almost asked Amy for his number. To text him. Ask him to understand if I didn’t come today. But I didn’t. I came. Of course I did. I needed to see this with my own eyes.
I chose my outfit carefully, deliberating and changing umpteen times. Finally, landing on a sleek, fitted black dress with silver buttons finishing just above my knee. My blonde hair is up and glossy. Lips red. Eyes smoky. I look as if I am going to a funeral, but I look hot. And today, I needed armor. A protective shell to contain me while I watch the man I love marry one of my oldest friends.
Kelsey wears a lace dress that covers her completely. A sexy but classy look. One all women want to pull off on their wedding day. And bloody hell, she nails it.
I grind my teeth as my last hope that this might not happen disappears. For fuck’s sake,Iwould marry her, she looks so damn good.
My eyes flick to Ben. A soft smile on his lips, as awe glows in his eyes. Every inch the new devoted husband, playing his part perfectly.
Bile bubbles in my stomach as my panic kicks in. This is happening. I’m going to be alone forever. The universe isn’t just punishing me. It’s pissing on me while handing out umbrellas to everyone else.
She makes it to the front of the church. Her uncle cuddles her warmly, and she kisses the old man’s cheek. The congregation’s tears are bubbling under the surface as they watch an uncle handing his niece over. An absent father. An absent mother. She turns to her future husband.
They take each other’s hands. I swear, electricity pulses between them. My stomach drops to my toes. I hang my head and listen to the exchange that is like someone repeatedly punching me in the stomach.
