Page 8 of Love Beyond Repair
Lolly was his pet name for me. I loved it. It started when he liked how I sucked a lollypop, and it had stuck ever since.
“We’ve been seeing each other in secret for six months. I’m in love with you. I want us to make a go of things… properly,” he said slowly. Emphasizing each word so there could be no confusion in what he was asking of me.
Dumbfounded, I gawked at him.
“Make a go of things?” I repeated back, his words racing around my head. The realization cemented itself front and center – he wants me to leave Ben.
“I’m sick of sneaking around, having time with you when you can squeeze me in. I want to walk down the street with you, hold your hand, kiss you in public. I want to introduce you to my parents. But while I’m the other man, those things can’t happen.” He dropped his eyes and then looked at me hopefully.
“The thing is, I’ve met someone. Nothing’s happened, but I’m curious. I’m not prepared to see you both. You need to decide whether you actually care for me or if I’m just a band aid for your broken relationship.”
I sat, observing him silently, with no idea what to say. Leave Ben? The thought had never even crossed my mind.Sam wasn’t prepared to see me alongside someone else. I was completely disoriented. Sam wasn’t willing to risk a potential relationship for his affair with me, but we’ve never discussed being more. Just the now, and how important it was to us both.
I pushed my seat back from the table with force, standing, my eyes wide. I stared down at him and saw red.
“How fucking dare you,” I yelled.
He gaped at me, startled, then his frustration surfaced.
“How dareI?Lolly, I’m asking you to give us a chance. Stop screwing around and hiding from everyone. Give us a real chance. I’m not prepared to be your secret fuck any longer, to massage your ego or pick you up off the floor when you’re struggling. You’re with me or you’re not. If you’re with me, then let’s step out together and show the world. If you’re not, then from now on we’re colleagues and nothing more.”
Tears rushed to the surface. I felt completely lost. I cared for this man, but I didn’t love him. It had always been Ben. He was my life partner; that was agreed in our teens. It wasn’t changing because I met someone else, not when everything was planned out.
An immense wave of guilt crashed down. What had I been doing? Risking my relationship while playing with Sam’s feelings.
My eyes met his, and I shook my head slowly, then walked away from the table, not looking back. His voicerose behind me, livid, furious. Everything he deserved to be.
“Poor bastard,” he sneered, but I kept moving. “I feel sorry for him.”
After escaping the café, I walked onto the street, and my lungs filled with fresh air. I took off toward my apartment, walking as fast as my legs would allow. Climbing the stairs two at a time, I arrived at my front door, never having been so relieved to be home. I kicked off my shoes, and they thudded off the hall tiles.
My flatmates would be at work. I should have had the place to myself. Exactly what I needed after the scene at the café. The space to get centered and work out what was to come next.
As I hung my coat on the hook by the door, familiar blazing blue eyes pierced me from across the room. Ben sat perfectly still on the sofa, his brow furrowed deep. The air between us crackled, heat rolling off him in waves that scorched my skin. I just looked at him dumbly, unsure what to say, not understanding why he would be here, now, when he was supposed to be on shift.
He held up a letter and waved it in the air. Plain white paper with scrawled black writing. A hand I immediately recognized as Sam’s from the notes he would leave in my locker when I wasn’t looking.
“Is it true?” he asked, his voice low.
I walked over and took the letter from him, but I already knew what it said. Sam was confident I would leave, sure enough that he took the lead in ending my relationship to free me and make me his. Raw bile curled in my stomach as my sins were laid bare, one word after the other. A volatile mix of liberation and shame twisted in my chest, making each breath more labored than the last. Finally, I would have to deal with the consequences of what I’d done. And as frightening as it was, a small part of me was almost… relieved.
Ben,
I’m sorry to do this in a letter.
We don’t know each other well,
but I believe you deserve the truth.
Kelsey and I have been sleeping together for six months.
I love her. She’s leaving you.
I won’t be the other man any longer. We have too much to live for.
I’m sorry.
Sam
