Page 65 of Burned By Sin
The devastation in Kenneth’s face resonates with everything I’m feeling internally. The thought of facing Aunt Marg’s cats and smug indifference is a punishment I deserve, not that I plan on staying for long. I have inheritance left over from my parents, a nest egg that will place me in a small apartment by the sea. Just me and the sound of the waves, pretending I’m okay while slowly rotting from the inside out. I was made to survive, not to be happy, and that’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll keep going, even when it kills me to do so.
“Wait, wait, hold on,” Kenneth fumbles for reason. “If this has something to do with Clay?—”
“No. It’s me that’s the problem. I’ve messed up and led him on. It’s not fair for me to stay. It’ll only cause more grief.”
Addy rounds my side, her hand settling on my arm. There’s somekind of signal in her eyes that I don’t have the energy to decipher. She bobs her brows in Kenneth’s direction, signaling it’s time he moved along, but I don’t rush him. People don’t understand or like Kenneth, but I know what it’s like to be the outcast. Either way, Kenneth picks up on the not-so-subtle cue and hesitates.
“Okay, well if you’re sure I can’t convince you otherwise,” he mumbles, his focus on the floor. Suddenly, as if he’s been electrocuted, Kenneth jolts and raises his hands so fast, I flinch. “Wait! I made you something. I was going to give it to you when I next saw you. It’s at the dorm, it’ll just take five minutes. Please, let me grab it?”
I don’t know if it’s the apprehensive gleam flickering in his eyes or the fact I don’t have it in me to deny another man tonight, but I nod on a weak smile.
“Sure, I’ll wait. Just…don’t be long.” I murmur, anxious to get on the road. The night air gnaws at my skin, biting through the thin fabric of my dress. Kenneth nods quickly and takes off between the cars, his limbs flailing in that awkward, endearing way of his. Watching him disappear gives me the first real smile I’ve managed in hours, though it doesn’t reach my eyes. I will miss his strange mannerisms and continuous chatter, even if I barely listened to any of it.
When I turn back, Addy’s already holding out her arms for me. The moment she folds me into her chest, I crumble. Her honeycomb-sweet scent fills my lungs, grounding me just enough to stop me from falling apart completely. I cling to her, fingers digging into the sequins of her dress, trying to draw strength from her warmth. There’s nothing left to say that hasn’t already been said. No words that will make this hurt any less. I don’t know if I’m about to cry or vomit, so I pull back first, forcing a weak laugh as I rub her arms like it’s her that needs comfort.
“Go on,” I whisper. “Get to your date. Enjoy the party for both of us, yeah?” Addy rolls her eyes and reaches into her cleavage for her phone, frowning when she reads the screen. She tucks it away again and shakes her head, pink curls bouncing.
“It’s fine. I’ll wait until you’ve left,” she insists, as stubborn as ever.
“Don’t be stupid,” I reply with a small smirk, trying to lighten the mood. “I’ll grab Kenneth’s gift and be gone before you can finish your drink. I’m a big girl.” I give her a playful smack on the ass that earns me a scandalized yelp. Her hands lift, forming the rock sign with her thumb extended, signing ‘I love you.’
My throat tightens as I return the sign, mouthing the words back. I watch her walk away, the soft light of the streetlamp swallowing her figure until it’s just me and the dark.
Exhaling shakily, I turn back to the car, starting at my own reflection. Luckily, my face is covered by shadow, because I’m sure I’m not ready to see my puffy eyes and smudged make-up emulating that of a sad clown’s. But my dress is visible, sparkling bright and accentuating my curves. I hate it. Too tight, too formal, and too much a reminder of everything I’ve just lost.
Popping the trunk, I dig out a hoodie and sweatpants. As beautiful as this gown is, I’m done pretending to be the girl who fits inside it. Kicking off the heels, I slide into the fabric of my sweatpants tugging the dress up inch by inch so nothing is revealed. Not that there’s anyone nearby anyway. Dragging the hoodie over my head in an awkward, arm-breaking motion, I sigh at the softness, finally able to breathe again.
The trunk slams shut, and I nearly scream as I spot Kenneth standing right behind me, silent as a ghost.
“Jesus, Kenneth!” I clutch my chest, my heart hammering. “Wear a damn bell, will you?” The words come out harsher than intended, and guilt instantly follows. Sheepishly, he ducks his head and curls his shoulders inward. Swallowing passed the pulse rocketing in my throat, I place a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. It’s just been a rough night.”
When Kenneth looks up again, his grin is bright and boyish, all forgiveness and warmth. My heart melts slightly, the thought that he’s too good for this world drifting through me. That is, until he holds out a small, flattened keyring, oval-shaped, clear resin with a swirlingpattern inside. Dark brown blending into pale pink. I squint at it, tilting my head, trying to make sense of it.
“Kenneth…is that…my hair?”
“Of course not!” His voice jumps an octave as he steps back, eyes wide in shock. I let out a shaky laugh of relief. Thank goodness for that. “It’s the combined strands of a long-haired rat’s molting process,” he explains, chest puffing out. “I weaved them together before bleaching and color matching them to you.”
I blink once, twice, holding his serious stare and chewing on my inner cheek. Yeah, that’s still creepy but the sincerity in his expression negates the cringe that tries to break through. Pushing the keyring into my pocket, I plaster a small smile onto my face.
“Thank you, but youreallydon’t need to give me gifts.” I shift my weight foot to foot as this goodbye drags on longer than I planned. I’m still working through the pain consuming my chest and need to put some distance between me and those I’m aching for. Picking up on my mood, Kenneth makes a perfect ‘O’ with his mouth and steps aside so I can stride to my driver’s door.
“I just wanted to say,” Kenneth starts. I turn back, suppressing a sigh. I really want to get out of here. “People don’t like me. They think I’m weird. Iamweird, but I can’t help it. I’ve been alone for a long time, and I think that’s something you understand. When we were hanging out before, I felt like I had a friend for a while.”
I frown at myself, knowing I went back to ignoring him once Clay was back in the picture. As if I expected Clay to take on the mantle of socializing with Kenneth again so I could focus on other areas of my life. Fuck, I’m a terrible person because he’s right. I do know how it feels to be alone.
“Look I…” my words get stuck, tasting bitter on my tongue. I have so much to apologize for that I can’t even string together a sentence. “I don’t really like goodbyes Kenneth, so let’s just hug it out and then I’m going to go, okay?”
Kenneth nods enthusiastically, drawing a tiny laugh from me, hisarms wide and a little unsure. I step into him, curving my arms around his back. His chest is firmer than expected, the powerful thump of his heartbeat beating against my cheek. At least by coming for Waversea, I found friends like Addy and Kenneth and I can say that I tried. I gave it my best shot, but the real world just isn’t made for people like me.
Chapter Thirty Eight
Somehow, I make it back to my dorm on numb feet. Numb everything. I can’t believe I let her go. She was right there, endlessly beautiful despite the devastation clouding her green eyes, and I walked away. I should take solace in the fact that I was true to myself. That I found the strength to listen to my gut, even when my heart was screaming to accept her offer. Battling with Wavershit on a short-term basis is one thing, but I couldn’t commit to it long term, not when I’ve already seen how it ends.
Whenever the three of us are together, Rhys always pulls her into his orbit, leaving me standing on the outside, desperate for snippets of her attention. He would ensure I stayed invisible, he would make it his mission to see my self-esteem scraping the floor so I won’t challenge him outright. I might not be much, but I can’t accept that that’s all I’m worth.
My dorm room is mercifully empty when I stagger inside. Locking the door behind me, my hands shake as I tug the tie over my head and shove it into my jacket pocket. I fumble with the shirt buttons clumsily, the frustration boiling over. If I didn’t have to return this suit in the morning, or if I had the money to replace it, I’d rip the damn thing off. When I finally peel the jacket and shirt away, my chest expands,lungs burning. I drop onto the edge of the bed, burying my face in my hands, and finally let the tears flow.
I’d expected to feel rage, but what’s left is worse. Emptiness. A hollow ache where hope used to live. My mind spins, what if’s plaguing me now that it’s too late to go back. What if I’d said yes, what if I’d done more to sway Harper in my direction, what if I can’t survive the wreckage tearing me apart from inside. A slice of pain cuts across my chest, knowing I’ll never see her again, never catch her shy smile, or watch her eyes light up when she’s passionate about something. Her memory is going to haunt me.
