Page 20 of Madison
Lyndon bursts out laughing. “If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought I came to visit Kierstie with that comment.” I can’t help the blush that must be covering my entire face.Good lord girl, get yourself together.
“Lyndon-er, Oz, I’m sorry! You didn’t deserve that. I don’t even know where that came from.”
He still chuckles and shakes his head at me. “You and Ma are the only two who still call me Lyndon and I like it. Oz just ain’t right coming from you. I know you’re all grown up, but in here…” He points to his noggin then his heart. “You’re still the little girl who liked to be read to and just wanted someone to listen to her for a few minutes. You were the calm in the wonderful chaos that was that house. I loved the chaos and I loved spending time reading to you. It was one of the things I missed the most when I was sent back to my parents.”
I remember the day he left. “The day after you left, I hid in my closet with my teddy bear and the last book you read me. Pa found me right before dinner.” I remember what he said to this day. “He told me every person who comes into our life, even for a short time, leaves an impression. Only the gods know if they’re meant to be a part of it again or not, but that we can learn from every relationship no matter how brief. He helped me see that with you, I should always treasure that you gave me the gift of time—your time. I know what he means now, but I didn’t get it as a kid.”
Lyndon looks at me the same way he did back then. He was always willing to wait to let me figure out my thoughts, never rushing me to hurry up and say what I needed to. I shrug my shoulders ’cause I’m not sure if my words are gonna really make sense with what’s in my head. “You were a teenager then. You could’ve spent all your time with your friends or even with Jon, Juan, and Rory since they’re closer to your age. I was just a little girl who took up your time almost every night. You don’t know what that still means to me. You made me feel seen.”
He looks at me with a small smile. “I think people have seen you, but you’re in a family with a lot of loud individuals, and they don’t know how to be quiet if they tried. Hell, the only time the dinner table was quiet was when Ma brought out the lefse stick and threatened to smack the lot of us.” He’s right. “That kinda brings me to why I came over.”
He leans forward, putting his elbows on his knees. “Heard what happened and that you’re not talkin’ to Ma and Pa. Heard you ain’t talkin’ to any of your siblings either.” I nod, ’cause I can tell he’s got more to say. “I ain’t gonna get in the middle and try to get Kierstie or any of the guys to talk to you. That’s on them and you to figure out. I do think you should probably go talk to Ma and Pa, though.” I sigh like I’ve been hanging around Ry or something. “Do you know why I was taken away from my parents and put with Ma and Pa to begin with?” I shake my head.
“I never really ever found out why kids were placed with us. I don’t think I even knew anyone’s story till I was at least a teenager. Ma always said the why wasn’t important. It was our job to be family to them for however long they stayed with us, even if it was just a couple of days. I do remember hoping thatyou’d end up sticking around forever and be adopted, but I didn’t get my wish.”
Lyndon gives me a little grin. “No you didn’t, but back then, I really wanted that to happen. My folks were into getting their next score. They were both drug addicts and would leave me alone at home to go find their next hit. This happened a lot. I don’t really know what they did for money, probably nothing legal, and maybe even sold some of what didn’t end up going in their veins or up their noses. My mom was with it enough at some point to get us signed up for assistance. I knew at the beginning of the month, there was always gonna be food in the house since they couldn’t spend it on anything but food. By the time I was six, I could make myself a sandwich, or a frozen dinner. This went on for most of my childhood when I was with them. I had a few teachers and neighbors over the years who were concerned enough that they would report my parents. Neglect is hard to prove, but it was a few times, so I was placed in my first foster home at six. Ma and Pa’s house made number seven. Every time I was taken away, Mom would lose the assistance and get herself clean enough to show the courts that she was ready and prepared to take care of me again. She would do alright and stay mostly clean for six months, sometimes almost a year. Then Dad would pop up from wherever he’d been and within a couple of days, she’d be higher than a kite. The last time I went back home with them was from Ma and Pa’s. When Mom went back to using the next time, I packed up and left. I was seventeen by then and knew she wasn’t ever gonna stay clean for long. I wasn’t hit and abused like some of the kids that came to Ma and Pa. My parents couldn’t quit using long enoughto remember they had a son.” He continues and I can feel the tears building. “I know you’re hurt that they didn’t tell you about your biological father, but can you see that was to protect you? That sorry excuse for a man was the reason Ma was hurt and contributed to you never meeting your grandma. She did what she thought was best and hell, it might have been your biological mom’s wishes. Pa, I’m sure, went along with it ’cause he didn’t want to see either of you deal with any unnecessary pain. All Joseph gave you was his DNA. He was your sperm donor. That’s fucking it, Madison. Pa is your dad. He’s what a dad is supposed to be and he still loves you beyond words to this day.” The tears fall now and I don’t even try to stop them.
“I know he does. He’s amazing. So is Ma. I just—”
He holds his hand up to stop me. “Ma would doanythingfor any of you. Hell, she’d do it for any of us who lived there at some point. She’s got more love and heart in her pinky finger than most people have in their whole bodies. I get that you’re hurt she didn’t tell you, especially after the night we learned about her past, but maybe she had a good reason. Maybe your birth mother asked her to never tell you. You know Ma. If that’s the case, it went into the vault and wasn’t ever coming out.” Fuck, he’s got a point. “Maybe she didn’t tell you ’cause any mention of that bastard brings back memories that she’s not prepared to deal with. Just think about it. It took all those years for her to be able to tell us what happened. Can you imagine everything that went unspoken?”
Oh, I’m a horrible daughter. Tears continue falling down my cheeks. “I’m so selfish. I never thought about it from her side. I just felt like they were keeping things from me and they weretwo more people who didn’t think I could handle things. Likeeveryonethought I was always about to break. Then after I went up the mountain with the girls and Anna, I was afraid she’d think less of me ’cause I didn’t let the guys handle things. But Ineededto do it.”
Lyndon looks at me like I’ve grown a second head or something. He grabs my knee and squeezes it, like he needs to make sure he’s got my attention. “Madison. I know you don’t really believe that bullshit you just spewed. You’re talking about Ma here. She wouldn’t have hesitated to endanyoneshe thought hurt one of her kids. She might not have pulled the trigger, but it’s the strength you got from her that helped you to have the courage and determination to go up there and handle things the way you did. You and I both know I’m right.” I just nod because I don’t have the words.
Lyndon stands up and reaches out to me, so I put my hand in his and stand up, taking the hug he offers me. “So I think what we’re going to do is I’m going to go back to the shop and tell your man to relax, and you’re going to get in your car and go talk to Ma and Pa. Whatcha say, little one?”
I give him one more squeeze before I nod. “You’re going to make a lucky lady really happy one of these days, Lyndon. You really do listen and pay attention. That’s a rare breed of man that does that.” I can feel him chuckle. “Not sure I’m cut out for a relationship, little one. If it ever does happen, she’ll have to be pretty awesome ’cause she’s gonna have to be approved by you and Ma. I know you both can hold people up to some high standards, but they’re all about love and family which I couldn’tagree with more.” He squeezes me one more time. “We still good, little one?”
I let go of him and look up since he’s as tall as my other brothers. “Yeah, of course we are.” I wipe my tears off my face. “Thank you for showing me I wasn’t looking at the whole picture. You can go back to your friend. You can also let Mick know I’m going over to Ma and Pa’s but I’ll be here afterward.” I grab my keys and purse and follow Lyndon out.
He sighs after he gets on his bike and is holding his helmet in his hands. “You know, I’m gonna always think of you as a little girl still, but if I had to pick a guy for you, it would be Mick. I can see how much he loves you. He looks at you like Pa looks at Ma. What more could someone hope for? Tell Ma and Pa I’ll drop by soon to see them.” I nod and wave goodbye as I get in my car and watch him take off on his bike.
**********
I stop in front of the house I grew up in. “Get your shit together, girl. There ain’t one good reason for you to be nervous.” Great, now I’m talking out loud to myself. I guess if I’m not arguing that’s at least something, right? I get out and head up the steps, knowing that at least one of them should be home. I pause for a second in front of the door and wonder if I should knock. What the hell am I doing? “Just open the fucking door and get the hell out of your head, girl.” Yep, I’m losing my shit.
I open the door and walk in, listening for any sounds. I hear the television going in the family room, so I walk over to thedoorway that leads to the room where so many of my childhood memories were made. I lean against the doorway as I see Ma in her chair reading and Pa watching the news from his chair. I don’t say anything but watch them and realize they are the example of what love is in my mind—not Hollywood movies, television, romance books or country music, just them. I can remember the nights Ma cooked for everyone and Pa kissing her on the cheek and thanking her each and every time. The mornings where Pa brought Ma the big cup of coffee ’cause she’d had to stay up with a new foster arrival. The times in the kitchen when a song would come on and Pa would twirl her around once and then dance with each of us girls. I remember the look of love on Ma’s face when Pa did that.
I can’t help the tears that won’t blink away. Barely above a whisper, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “I’m sorry.”
I must say it loud enough ’cause Ma looks over with a very surprised look on her face. “Mads?” She stands up so fast, I think she drops her book. I can’t help that more tears are falling. It’s like there’s a never-ending supply these days. I hurry over to her and hug her. “I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I got so mad and didn’t think about your feelings! I’m sorry I didn’t come over sooner! I’m so sorry!” Her arms wrap around me.
“Oh, sweetheart, you don’t need to apologize to me. You have every right to feel what you feel. I know it seems like I was lying or hiding things from you, but I was only following your birth mother’s requests. She only asked me for two things. First was for Pa and me to adopt you and raise you to be a good person who understands what love and family mean. The second was that I keep you away from everything evil up on the mountain.Joseph was the center of all that evil. I wasn’t trying to hide your story from you. I just didn’t want that evil to touch you. Even with my tryin’, it ended up catching up with you. I hate that any of it touched you at all. Then you had to go and be all bad ass and brave and go up that mountain and—”
I can’t help but interrupt Ma. “I had to. I know I was taught to let the club handle that kinda stuff, but Ma… I just couldn’t. Ineededto see with my own two eyes that those lugs who took me weren’t gonna be able to do that to anyone ever again. I know they were just taking orders from Joseph, and to know I shared some of the same DNA as that fucking bastard… I had to do it. I had to balance just a little bit of the bad that he brought to this world, especially what he let his men get away with. I—”.
My rambling is interrupted by Pa taking me out of Ma’s arms and looking me in the eyes, like he did when we were growing up and he was beingveryserious in trying to get his point across. “Little one, listen to me and listen good. You might have some of his DNA running through your veins but you are not responsible for anything that man did in his life. You might have been created because that man took what he wanted, but that’s not any of your doing or any karma you need to worry about. You areourdaughter. You’re a fucking Weston through and through. You are more like your Ma than anyone I know. Your heart is so full of love and the need to protect those you consider family. You are stronger than anyone has given you credit for, me included. When I saw you up on the mountain, I realized something. In my head, all my kids have grown and they’re off living their own lives, but in my heart, I still thought of you as that quiet nine-year-old who I’d find reading in the closet atleast a couple times a week. I know in my head, you’ve been an adult for years, but in my heart, you were still my little one. The woman I saw that day? She was a badass who has so much of her ma running through her veins that I felt the urge to make sure Mick really knows what he’s getting into.” I can’t help but laugh at that plus the sound of the backhanded smack Ma landed on his stomach.
I reach up to dry the last of my tears. “Pa, you know I can be both those things at once, right? I can be a grown woman who can take care of business when I feel it’s necessary and still be your little one.”
Pa engulfs me in his arms and hugs me tight. “You will be my little one till my last breath leaves my body. I may have to share you with Mick now, but since I know he’s head over heels for you, I guess I’ll be okay with that as long as he makes you happy.”
I squeeze him once more before I let him go and look up to the man who showed me what real men are supposed to be like. “He does. He getsme.The me who can be quiet and in my head too much and the one who would sing karaoke with Kierstie on a random night out.”
Pa smiles and nods in Ma’s direction. “You two go do that girl talkin’ that I know your Ma is dyin’ to do. I’ve got my show about to be on and I’m gonna watch it before I head out on a ride.”
Ma grasps my hand and squeezes it. “Why don’t you and I go into the kitchen and make some coffee. We can talk about Mick and the other things I can see you’ve got swirling around in there.” I follow her to the kitchen and get out the coffee mugs and creamer while she gets the coffee brewing. Once it’s readyand we both have our coffee as we like it, I sit down across from her at the dining room table and wait for the first question to come.
