Page 21 of Madison
Ma, in her infinite wisdom, asks one of the simplest questions, but the one that has the most complicated of answers. “So what’s goin’ on in your mind, little one?” She takes a sip of coffee before she continues. “I know you’d rather not talk about yourself, but, Madison, sometimes we all gotta do that. Start small and work your way up to the big one, whatever it is.”
I start by telling her about Mick and all the amazing things that have happened between us in the last few days. Okay, I don’t tell her quiteeverything, but just about. I realize in talking to her, I’ve missed her not only as my mom, but as one of my closest friends.
We talk about me trying to find out what I want to do work-wise. She has a few ideas but tells me she’ll think on it some and mention it to Pa too. She tells me that I’m expected at the next family dinner and Mick is too. She gives me that look that only a mom can give and adds to it. “I don’t care if you and your siblings ain’t talkin’ to each other, we’re family, and I expect all my kids to be here like they’re supposed to be.” She sounds like Pa when she tells me, “I ain’t gonna get in between you guys. Y’all need to figure that out on your own. You’re grown-ups so I know you can do it.” I get up and take our empty mugs to the sink to wash.
I must start pouting while I wash them and clean up the coffee pot, ’cause Ma speaks up from the table. “Now, Madison, I ain’t sayin’ you’re in the wrong, but remember not one of us is perfect.When they come to you, remember that they love you and keep an open ear and heart.”
I turn around and face her and nod, but know I need to use my words. “I’ll remember. I just don’t get how they think I’m that fragile or why I was that hard to talk to. Was I really that far in my head for that many years?”
“Oh, little one, you were never fragile. They’re wrong about that part. Your strength might not be outwardly or in a way that it’s obvious, well till recently that is, but you’ve always been strong, just the quiet kind of strong. In this family, there ain’t much quiet about anyone else so that’s different. Kierstie, Ry, or Juan could never be described as being quiet a day in their life. Even Max, Jon, and Rory aren’t so much quiet as they are observers before they decide to speak. You’ve always been the thinker, the one who takes a while to decide things. I remember for most of the kids, I always asked what they wanted for Christmas or their birthday just a couple weeks beforehand, ’cause I knew they would have a list of things. You, I asked a month ahead of time ’cause I knew you would hem and haw about it and eventually bring me a neatly written list of three or four things that you had agonized about. One way was no better than the other. It’s just how you process things and that’s different from your siblings. We’re all different, and that’s what makes us unique. We’d be pretty damn boring if we were all the same, don’t ya think?” I nod my agreement ’cause she’s right.
She stands up and walks over to me. “Now, have you been so far in your head for years that we couldn’t talk to you or didn’t know how?” I look right at her, realizing this is the question that I keep asking myself. “No, you haven’t. The first year to eighteenmonths after it happened and Rory went away, yeah, I’d say you were, or at least you were depressed about everything, but since then? No. I don’t think you’ve been in your head or withdrawn. I think the guys just haven’t adjusted to you being grown and that you and your sister, no matter how close you two are, are in fact very different people with very different personalities. I think they each need to figure out and navigate an adult relationship with you. It may take time, but I think if any of them reach out, be open and willing to listen. They’re hurting too, even if they’re the ones who started this mess.”
She’s right. I don’t know how she does it, but I swear Ma is always right. “I’ll be open, Ma, I promise.”
She kisses my cheek and hugs me. “Now, you’ve had a lot going on the last few days and we just dissected a lot of it. You go home and read one of your books or watch one of your shows. Tell Mick I said hi and he’s expected at family dinners from now on.” I can’t help but smile at everyone’s acceptance of Mick and I finally becoming an us.
I yell out to Pa my goodbyes and head out the front door. I’m halfway down the steps when I see a truck pull up. Ry gets out and heads my way. I can see the second he notices I’m here ’cause he takes a double step. I’m not sure if I should just keep heading to my car or stop and talk to him. He keeps coming till he’s right in front of me.
He sticks his boot-covered foot out and taps my foot with his. “Hey.”
I tap my foot back like we did when we were kids. “Hey.”
He sighs like the world is on his shoulders. “You know I love you, right?” I nod and let him continue. “I don’t know how we gotto this point and I hate that all this shit has gone down and we haven’t talked. I mean, you’re my birthday buddy.”
I can’t help the laugh that comes out. “I haven’t thought of that in years. You being exactly one month older than me, but that meant you were a grade ahead of me like Kierstie, but Ma made us have our birthdays together. I know now it’s ‘cause she was smart and didn’t wanna throw a party every month of the year.”
Ry smiles and shakes his head. “Yeah, but do you remember the first one we shared after Ror and I came to live here?” I try to think back but I’m not remembering it. “We were what, like five or six?” Ry sits down on the steps and I sit next to him. “We were turning six. Kierstie had been six for almost eleven months and acted like she was a big deal since she’d already been six fora while.”
We both chuckle at that memory. “Yeah, she was always quick to remind us that she was older than us. I remember when you and Rory showed up, I thought I might finally not be the youngest, but then you justhadto be a month older. At least when Max came and stayed, I knew I wouldn’t be the baby anymore.”
Ry shakes his head at me. “Most people would want to be the youngest, but you always liked being in the middle. I never understood that as a kid, but I’m starting to now. No, what I was talking about with our first birthday party together, I remember what you told Ma. I remember when I told you I was so excited ’cause I never had a birthday before, let alone a party, you went and told Ma that you wanted me to pick out the cake and decorations. That it was important that everyone gets to have a birthday party and you were sad that I hadn’t had one. I remember you had me open my gifts first and blow outthe candles all by myself. I remember wishing that we’d get to stay here forever. I thought if I had to have sisters, that you and Kierstie were pretty alright.” He bumps his shoulder into mine. “I realize thinking back on that time that you’re just as much about the family as Kierstie is, you’re just quieter about it. I’m sorry for the part I played in all this shit, little one. I didn’t think you were about to break and I for sure as fuck don’t think that now. I should have come to see you or at least texted the day after you got home. I didn’t and then I kept picking up my phone to text you but I didn’t know the right way to say things. Fuck, I still don’t really know.”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “I think you did alright. I get that maybe I haven’t been the easiest to approach or that you guys didn’t know what to say, but I’m the same me as the one you grew up with, I just think you guys forgot I grew up too.”
He nods. “That could be it. I’ll have you know that Nicky has been pissed off at me since the reception. He’s most definitely a fan of yours. He told me last night that I needed to get my head out of my fine ass and talk to you. Said he was gonna come see you himself in the next couple of days and that he always knew what a badass bitch you really were.”
I love Nicky and he’s awesome for Ry. “That’s because he’s awesome himself. You picked good there, big brother.”
He kisses my head. “Yeah. I think I’m gonna keep him.”
We sit there in silence for a couple of minutes. I know he doesn’t do silence like I can so it doesn’t surprise me when he speaks up. “You happy with Mick? I mean really happy and not just ’cause you two have been dancing around each other for what seems like forever?”
I can’t help the smile anytime I’m asked about Mick. “Yeah I am. He gets me. Like he knows what flowers and stuff I like, but knows it means more to me that he brings me my coffee just how I like it, or that he knows that I want my diner hash browns and bacon both extra crispy otherwise I won’t eat them. He gets that it’s that stuff that means the most to me. He’s happy to just sit in front of a fire with me. He likes it when I pop into the shop just to say hi and bring him a soda.”
Ry sighs his signature sigh again. “And now there’s another brother I have to threaten. If he’s smart, he’ll take me seriously, ’cause I’d definitely kill him if he ever hurts you.”
I can’t help but scoff and roll my eyes ’cause I know what good friends he is with Mick. He must’ve heard me ’cause he chuckles and stands up and looks down at me. “Okay, I might not kill him, but I’d definitely give him a good beatdown.” Now that, I do believe. He taps my foot again and asks in a serious-for-him tone. “We good, Mads? Or should I say Madison?” His face when he says my full name has me full-on belly laughing. You’d think he’d just smelled a skunk or something.
I try to stop laughing to answer him. “Yeah, Ry-er, Ryan, we’re good.” I get the death stare for full-naming him. I stand up and step down the last couple of steps. “I’m heading home. Tell Nicky to text me and you both can come over for dinner or something one night.” I start to head to my car and wave back. “Love you birthday, buddy!” I can tell he’s smiling.
“Love ya too, birthday buddy.”
Mick
Yesterday when Oz got back to the shop and told me Madison was heading over to talk to Ma and Pa, I felt like things were getting righted in our world. I know it’s gonna take some time for her to start talking to her brothers and Kierstie, but she said she and Ry worked through things, so that’s a start. I know family means everything to her and I just want her to be happy, whatever that takes. She’s gonna hang with Mary and Christy today. I think they’re gonna hang out at Anna’s house. I know, you’re probably wondering why I’m not worried about those vigilantes getting together again, but I’ve got two very good reasons. The first is that the men who all their anger was focused on are all dead. Well, they are as far as they know. They think that Joseph is meeting his maker tonight and no brother is going to correct them. My other reason for not being freaked out or worried is that I happen to have it on good authority that Wyatt and Jackson changed the combination on their safe and haven’t told Anna just yet. See? Things should be fine. Yep. I’m not the least bit concerned. I didn’t convince Nicky that he should go over there and get to know the new girls and hang out. Nope, that wasn’t me at all.
I just finished with my client and gave them the instructions for aftercare and settled their bill. I’ve got a little over an hour before my next appointment.
