Page 30 of Lorcan
“I’d be guilty of that too.”
“Right? But age doesn’t determine our desires. Our kinks. We have the right to feel good—as long as what we’re doing doesn’t hurt others.”
“I would never—”
“I know.” I cut him off. “Well, I trust that you wouldn’t. You’re just… I want to say I’m worried about you because you’re vulnerable. You’ve admitted you’re new to this.”
“While you have experience.”
While trying to replay my exact words, I also tried to calculate moving forward what would be the gentlest way to explain. “I have some experience, yes. Mostly with pickup play. I’ve never had a full-time pup. And you might wonder how I know I want that. I just…I know I do. There’s a nurturer within me. Maybe that would be satisfied with a partner. A guy who leans on me and I lean on him and we always have an egalitarian relationship.”
“But you don’t think so.”
“No, I don’t.” I traced my thumb over his knuckles. “I considered littles, but that’s not my kink.”
“Me either. Just putting that out there.” He offered a shy smile.
“Right? But then I looked into puppy play and it hit a chord with me. Of course, I went down a rabbit hole of investigations and readings. I made it my mission to understand all the different perspectives—to see what each person involved might get out of the relationship. You came at this from fiction. I came at this with a more clinical approach. I don’t think either is wrong—especially because we both wound up in the same place.”
He turned his hand so our palms touched and our fingers interlaced. “So, what does that mean? Are you just looking for a Daddy/pup relationship? Is that enough for you? And do you want a 24/7 relationship, or would there be times when you’d want your pup to be self-sufficient? Come to that, are you looking for more? Would you want sex? Affection? A supportive relationship? Or just someone to play with and go home?”
I took a deep breath.
Lorcan frowned. “Sorry, that was too many questions. I just sort of rambled. I’m nervous. I shouldn’t be, because you’ve been so kind. And I’ve had fun. I mean I enjoyed myself Thursdaynight, and today’s been enjoyable, even if I’ve mostly whined about my ex. But—”
“But?” I prompted him.
“I don’t know. I sort of ran out of things to say.”
“Okay.” I offered what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Those are all valid questions and absolutely ones you have the right to ask.” Again, I squeezed our joined hands. “May I try to answer them?”
He nodded furiously.
“Well…”How do I say this and not frighten him?“I’m open to some, or all, of that. I think that’s why we’re having this discussion—to negotiate.”
He scratched his chin with the hand not gripping mine.
“Why don’t we start with the most radical?”
“Okay.” Some trepidation.
“I’d say that I’m not looking for a 24/7 pup. At least not at first. To be brutally honest, I don’t know that I could cover all the living expenses for two people. At least that’s how I would envision that kind of relationship—with one person entirely dependent on the other. Wielding that kind of power scares me.”
He let out a sigh.
If I didn’t miss my mark, a relieved sigh. “Yeah, okay.” He closed one eye. “I don’t think so either. I was truly wrapped up in all things Stephen. And our business. Without them, I didn’t know who I was. My entire identity had been dictated by things around me and aside from reading romances, I didn’t do anything by myself.”
“You need space.”
He nodded.
“That’s perfectly reasonable. I suspect I’ll be the same. Sometimes I can talk about a rough day and sometimes I just need to process it on my own. Not that I would expect you to listen to me work out stuff—I have coworkers for that.”
“I—” He stopped.
“You…?”
He bit his lower lip. “I’d like to think I’m a good listener. That you can share things with me. I’ll never tell anyone. I mean, not that I have anyone I could tell.” His laughter bordered on self-deprecating.
