Page 31 of Lorcan
I squeezed his hand. “I think, given time—and your willingness to put yourself out there—that you might eventually make friends.”
“You’re more optimistic than I am.”
“Sure. I’ve been called an optimist by more than one person. I think you have to be if you want to be a good counselor. Or, rather, that it makes me more able to find the bright side of things. To find the good in people.” Even as I said the words, though, I had to push my former patient, Selene, from my mind.
Lorcan continued to hold my gaze. “What are you thinking?”
A little startled, I offered a smile. He didn’tknowwhat I was thinking. I was just letting my mind wander. “About you.”
“Oh.” His brow knit.
This time, I pressed my thumb to his frown line. “All good, I promise.”
“Okay. I’m going to say I find that hard to believe—but I’m willing to try.”
“That’s all I can ask.” I nodded. “As for the rest. I know I’d like a puppy. I’m also open to a romantic relationship—sexual or not isn’t as much of a consideration.”
“Really? Seems like an important point to me.” He held my gaze.
“That’s fair. I’m settled now in my professional life and yes, I’m young. But I want to share my life with someone special. I’m gay, so my choice would be someone male identifying. Romance is, to me, an important part of any relationship. And I’m the first one to admit I’m clueless when it comes to stuff like that.I can read plenty, and I have a good imagination, but I’ve never bought a gift for a romantic partner. Never had to take someone else’s feelings into consideration when making major life decisions.”
“Wow.” His eyes widened. “That’s…”
“Very different from your life experience.” I nodded. “I get that. I think there’s a lot you can teach me. Needless to say, I’m open to new experiences. In return, I can offer stability, caring, and—if needed—a firm hand.”
“Puppies need discipline?”
“Something like that. But within the boundaries we create. We’d have to negotiate what you are and aren’t comfortable with. How we’ll communicate through challenges. Whether our relationship will be entirely defined by the Daddy/pup dynamic, or if you’re open to more.”
He licked his lips. “More?”
“Well, the romantic partner thing. I suppose fuck buddies could also be on the table. I’ll admit, that would likely be harder for me. I want an emotional connection. If I just want to get off, my hand works just fine.”
He laughed. “Okay. I love your honesty.”
He rolled his head in some weird way I didn’t understand.
“Since we’re laying things on the line, I might as well fess up. I haven’t done anything—and I meananything—since my ex took off. If I said my sex drive was less than zero, that wouldn’t be an exaggeration. Except—” His cheeks turned a little pink beneath his beard.
I waited.
“Okay, like I got a little hard in the club. When I thought about you and doing, you know, stuff.”
“Sex stuff? Puppy stuff?”
He closed his eyes. “All that…stuff. Just being around you makes me more aware of myself than I’ve been in years. I want to be good for you. I just don’t know if I can.”
I considered. “In what way?”
“I’m fifty-three years old. I don’t exactly react like a teenager anymore.”
“Well, in fairness, I never really was a teenager—sexually speaking. I repressed myself until university and then only had dalliances. My focus was on school—not on getting laid. In these last few years, my focus has been entirely on establishing my clinical practice.”
“Do you feel…like you’ve somehow, I don’t know,madeit?”
His question stopped me short. “Oh.” I considered. “If you mean have I met all my goals in life, then the answer’s complicated. I work at an amazing therapy ranch where I get to help people every single day. I’ll say it’s even more challenging than I imagined—but it’s also more rewarding.” I passed my thumb over his. “I got to help launch the inaugural Pride Camp in Mission City. I got to help young people accept who they are. We have plans next year for a week with the siblings of LGBTQ kids—because life can be super tough for them as well. But those are ongoing things. Like, I see myself doing those far into the future. Well, maybe not the camp. I’m still close enough to their ages. Someone might eventually come along and replace me. For now, though? I’m good.
“But that’s all my professional life. My personal life is more complicated. As I’ve said…not so much experience. I understand, though, relationships take work. Who knows if I’ll even be a good partner? And compatibility is a thing. I’m quirky.”
