Page 68 of Lorcan
“I’m dating Cody. I mean—” Heat raced to my cheeks. “I think you should know that, right? Because honesty is important.”
“Cody hasn’t spoken to me about you. I only know he took the intake forms Friday night and brought them back Monday morning. And I can promise what is said between the two of us stays between the two of us. Unless I believe a child is being harmed or that you are in imminent danger of self-harm.”
“Or if I threaten someone.” I wasn’t certain if that was explicitly in the rules—but I wanted it out on the table.
“Or that possibility as well.”
“Okay. I hate my ex-husband for what he did to me, but I don’t wish him dead. Maybe in jail for a few years?” I scratched my chin. “But before we go there, I think it’s important that I be honest with you.”
He sat a little straighter.
“But if I’m honest, then I’m sharing something about Cody that you might not know.”
“I appreciate your concern. Cody has confided in me that he has some…unique preferences. What I don’t want to do is make the leap to think that you feel the same way.”
“Me?” I scrunched my nose. “I’m not—” I flapped my hand. “A Daddy? A handler? We haven’t really talked about terminology.” I bit my lip. “Shit.”
He again offered up his serene smile. “Cody let me know. I haven’t made any assumptions about you—or that you’re even into the lifestyle. I appreciate you protecting Cody. He’s pretty open about things, but I’ll admit I wasn’t aware of that aspect of his life.” He paused. “I can say we’ve had clients over the years who’ve enjoyed various lifestyles—from hardcore BDSM to puppies, kitties, and littles. We don’t advertise as kink-friendly, but word gets around.”
“I’m a puppy.” I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. The room’s ambient temperature was perfect—but I was sweating.
“I’ve met puppies before. I think that sounds like a lovely way to enjoy life. Although it’s not something I’ve considered for myself, I certainly can see the appeal.”
Right. You’re safe here. No one’s going to hurt you. No one’s going to out you. “It’s been a long time. Since I’ve wanted this. I knew, though, that my husband would never have agreed to it. You know how you just know something—deep in your gut? I knew it with him.” I twitched my nose, then took another sip of coffee. “He wasn’t all bad. In fact, I thought we had a solid marriage. Until he stole everything.”
“That must have hurt.”
I pressed the heel of my hand to my sternum. “I’d never known pain like that. Like physical pain? Sure. You work construction and eventually something’s bound to go wrong. But the pain of betrayal? I can’t—" I swallowed. “Some days I’m not certain how I keep going. And then I meet a guy like Cody, and I’m sure I’m not worthy of him. I have a lifetime of baggage. And he’s…perfect.”
Justin nodded. “I can’t speak for Cody. I will say that none of us are perfect. I mean, I love my husband…but he’s got faults. My own imperfections are, he swears, something he loves about me. Our experiences shape who we are. Good, bad, ugly, and glorious—they’ve led us to this spot. So we can embrace the learning that we’ve had, or we can fight against the past and wish to change it.”
“If only.”
“Right? I have a few things I’d have done differently. But those experiences led me here—and I’m happy where I am.”
“So if I can find happiness, then I can accept all that came before?” That sounded way too easy.
“That’s entirely possible but not necessary. Moving forward doesn’t require you to accept anything, only to cope with it in a healthy way. Why don’t we start unpacking your ‘baggage’?” He used air quotes around the word I’d only just used.
“Yeah, okay.” I took another sip. “I had a crappy childhood, a mediocre run at being a teenager, but my twenties were when good things started to happen.” I held in the wince. “I met the love of my life.”
“Why don’t you tell me about that—if you’re comfortable.”
And so I did.
Two hours later, I’d driven away from Healing Hands, perhaps a bit faster than advisable, and now sat on a stool at Cody’s kitchen bar as he whipped up a chicken vegetable stir-fry. Thesession had been good, important, but had shaken me in ways I didn’t want to look at too closely. The normalcy of Cody’s place was a gift. “That smells amazing.”
“I’m just glad you love onions as much as I do.” He added a touch of salt.
The food sizzled.
“I suppose I should tell you what happened.” I was ambivalent about this. Sharing felt important, but I also didn’t want to rehash Stephen over and over again.
He turned to face me, spatula suspended in the air. “There is nosupposed to. In fact, you shouldn’t tell me more than you need or want to. I’m not your therapist, and I don’t want us to be on those terms.” He pivoted his attention back to the food. “Sorry, I need to keep an eye on this. I will say that I’m here to listen, not to judge, and if you just want to curl up and put your head on my lap, that’s great too.”
“You make it sound so easy.” I fingered the cloth napkin he’d handed me. I loved that he avoided paper whenever he could. Because of the environment. I admired that about him. All the little things he did.
“I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that your session probably wasn’t easy.” He tossed me a glance. “And that’s not Justin telling me. That’s the slump in your shoulders. But, for all I know, Riley rode your ass at work today, and that’s what’s got you down.”
