Page 10 of Lorcan
He laughed. The sound grated. “I can say I’m a disaster at relationships. I didn’t even come out until I met Stephen. Before then, it was strictly hookups in gay bars on Davie Street. Always with protection, of course. I was a bit younger, but I lived through the AIDS crisis.” He pursed his lips. “When Stephen and I met…like, something magical happened. I didn’t want to hide who I was. He was out and proud. Since we committed to being acouple, I stopped hiding as well. We even married as soon as gay marriage was legal in Canada.”
My eyebrows shot up. “You were together…how long? Twenty years?”
“Twenty-eight. I was twenty-five when we first started dating. Thirty-three when we married. I figured this was a forever thing, you know?”
He’d been around my age when he’d met the man he believed he’d be with for the rest of his life. That betrayal had to hurt. Deep.
“But that’s not what I meant.” He scratched his bearded jaw. “I meant that I’ve held this desire in for so long that I’m afraid to embrace it. I look at those pups having fun—” He gestured with his chin. “—and I want that. But I’m washed up. Over the hill.”
Since I still had my hand over his, I tapped it gently. “I’ve always maintained age is just a number. I have a friend who’s close to your age, and he loves to play as a pup. He’s not here tonight, but I’m hoping one day you might meet him.” I pointed at Jai, who was playing vigorously with the woman with graying hair. “I don’t know her age—or even her name—but I’d say she’s having a great time.”
Her playful yips carried across the room.
“Do you have a pup name? Not everyone does.” In my mind, I tried to picture a name that might suit him.
He shook his head. “I never—” He swallowed. “I never let myself envision this. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling so hard now.”
I’d observed his trepidation before, but wasn’t going to comment. Here, though, he’d opened the door. “I was terrified the first time I came here. Newly minted with my PhD. Had just been the psychologist for a summer camp of LGBTQ kids for three months. I felt good about my professional success, but terrified about my personal prospects.”
“Oh. Funny, I wouldn’t have thought that about you.”
I grinned. “Well, picture this—I walk in here, nervous, and I’m looking around. Who do I see? My boss.”
His eyes grew wide. “Seriously?”
I nodded. “I would never share his secret with anyone—nor would he mine. But it kind of blew my mind when I saw him here. Part of me wanted to turn tail and run. The rest of me figuredwell, he already knows.” I shrugged. “I will say he was likely more surprised.”
“That you were here?”
“That I wasn’t a pup.”
“But you said there are older pups.”
“And younger Daddies and Mommies. Certainly. I got over my shock and settled into a friendship beyond work. At the time, I hadn’t realized how isolated I was—I was surrounded by people, but no one knew my truth. Here, I can be myself. This is only my fourth time here.”
“It’s my first.”
“You’re already braver than I was. I didn’t approach anyone my first night here.”
“I didn’t exactly approach you.” Said a little ruefully.
“No. You had the courage to open yourself up to Master Dante. That’s strength. That’s optimism.”
He cocked his head. “No one’s called me an optimist in a very long time.”
“Well, we’ll just have to change that.” I sipped my drink. “May I ask you what you’re looking for? Or is that too overwhelming a question?”
He pursed his lips. “I don’t know what I’m looking for. I mean—” He gestured. “I didn’t figure I’d jump in the first night.”
“But you’d want to in the future?”
“I’ll probably need kneepads, and no one should be forced to see me naked.”
That comment struck me. Many of the pups didn’t have theidealappearance. Whatever the fuck that meant. A couple were on the skinny side. Several carried extra weight. Some pups were fully naked, while some wore clothing that covered their private parts. Three had kneepads.
Jai never used them, while Foster absolutely did.
“There’s nothing wrong with needing kneepads.” I gestured with my chin. “Cheddar uses them, and he’s a young guy. Needs to protect his joints, though.”
