Page 109 of Light Up The Night
"So would you not think I should be glad in the same way?"
I nod. 'Sure. That's logical enough. But I never said what I felt was logical.” I brush a thumb under her eyelid, wiping away a stray glimmer of tears caught on her lower lashes.
She searches me again, hard, and for a long time. "So in the time I have been gone, you have not…"
I shake my head. "Nope. Well, not since October. I…I would wake up thinking about you, dreaming about you, and I'd be hard, y'know? And I'd jerk off, but it…it never helped. I'd just feel weird and…guilty, I guess. Because you're…you're special, Cadence. What we shared together, that was precious to me. I've…." I swallow hard. "I've been with a lot of women. Had a lot of…fun. But none of it has ever really…meantanything the way it did with you. And I just…I had to stop. Because it just…it wasn’t…it didn't feel right."
"Is that a long time for you to go without…that?" she asks.
I nod. "Yeah. It is."
"I wish I could have reassured you that it was alright with me," she says, caressing my jawline.
"Doesn't matter anymore. You're here now." Her mouth opens and I touch a finger to her lips. "You've been through hell, honey. I'm here to help. To do anything I can to be there for you, however you need. I know it may be a while before you're ready for anything physical. I don't want you to waste a single second thinking about that or worrying about it. I’m here whenever you're ready—no matter how long that takes."
She frowns, looks away, thinking. "I am conflicted on that score."
"How so?" I ask.
She shifts on my lap. "I…I do not know how long I…" she sighs, frustrated. "I am struggling to put things into words." Her eyes go to mine, and I see boldness and determination written in her features. "I feel intense desire for you. I need to…to…to share our bodies once more. To feel the comfort of your arms. I want to kiss you. I want to…" her voice drops to a whisper. "I want to forget the last six months. Just for a little while." Her eyes seize mine, fiery and fierce and bold. "I need you, Riley. But part of me feels guilty for that. Duwana and Fatima and the others…they suffer who knows what. I left. I came home. But they havenowhere to go. They suffer while I think of making love with you."
My whole being jolts at her words. My heart manages to leap and sink at the same time. "Cadence, honey, I…I don't know the answer to that. I understand the conflict you're feeling. I don't know your friends, Duwana and Fatima. But they cared enough about you to basicallymakeyou leave. And if that's true, then I think maybe they wouldn't begrudge you finding comfort after what you've been through." I touch my forehead to hers. "I just don't want you to feel like I'm trying to convince you of anything."
"I don't."
"Can I ask you something?" I say.
"Of course."
"You've used contractions a few times, recently."
She nods. "I wondered if you noticed."
"What's that about?"
"It is hard to explain. The way I speak, as I believe I have already told you, comes from my choice of reading material as a child and how my brain processes information. It is also, to a degree, a choice. I always felt different. Another. An outsider, or outcast. So, especially in the time I attended public schools here in the States, I chose to embrace my uniqueness. I do not know if you can comprehend what I mean when I say this, but speaking formally and using archaic speech devices became a kind of armor. I cannot explain it any better than that. By speaking this way, I…feel protected against my own strangeness. Circular logic, perhaps—using my own odd ways as protection against itself. Said out loud that way, it makes no sense."
I shake my head. “No, I get it, I think. Sort of. It puts space between you and everyone else. They're gonna make fun of you and not understand you anyway, so by setting yourself apart, you sort of…rise above the hurt of it."
Her smile is shimmery. "Yes. Precisely." She cups my jawline again. "Youdounderstand me."
I snort. "Not fuckin' hardly, babe. You're complex as hell, and I could spend a fuckin' lifetime trying to understand you and not come close. But the process of trying is its own reward."
"No one, other than my parents, has ever even tried."
"Losers."
She sniffs a laugh. "That is not nice. Not everyone possesses the courage you do."
I frown. "Courage? Getting to know you is a goddamnedprivilege, Cadence. Trying to understand you and learn…you, it's…it's not courage. It's selfish."
This time, her laugh is sniffled, wet and emotional. "Oh, Riley. There is truly no one else like you. No man I have ever known is your equal." Her eyes search me, and her fingers tease along my jawline, trace my lips. "And I believe you are correct. Duwana would urge me to find comfort and peace wherever and however I may."
She turns in my arms, straddling me on the couch. My breath hitches, and my heart pounds. The need to kiss her, to fill my hands with her curves, is overwhelming. Debilitating. Excruciating to resist. Yet, until I'm sure of what she wants, I have to let her lead.
"I—"
She cuts me off with a kiss. “I choose to find my comfort inyou, Riley." Her words are whispered against my lips. "Help me forget. Please.”
