Page 65 of Light Up The Night
"So you just…taught yourself not to feel what’s going on in your body?"
"Correct." A roll of her shoulder. "I have lived my life in my brain, occupied by my thoughts. My body is merely the vessel in which I move through life. It is…sometimes a separate thing from me, myself, the entity that is Cadence Creswell. It is a burden—it requires sustenance, so I must remember to feed it. It requires clothing, so I must remember to clothe it. It requires sunshine and exercise. Hydration. Proper nutrition. That last is tricky for me when I am working, especially. It is common for me to go a shift or two without eating, or subsisting on protein shakes and coffee."
I lead her back to the truck, grab the old, thick, wool ex-military blanket I keep in the back seat, and spread it out in the bed of my truck. I bunch up a hoodie as a pillow and we lay together and stare up at the stars.
I consider what she's telling me. "So, sex, for you is…what, then? Impossible?”
She thinks about my question for a long time. "It is a complicated topic for me. I have understood the mechanics of human sexuality from a very young age, as I studied anatomy, physiology, and other such subjects—as I have told you heretofore—and one cannot help encountering the subject in that context. But I never applied it to myself. I went through puberty, obviously, and the various physical sensations were terribly difficult for me, so I dissociated even more totally during that period of my life. It was not until I began studying at Harvard that I even wondered about dating or sexuality. I was surrounded by it—my roommate had a boyfriend and was not shy about engaging in sexual activity, even when I was in the room."
"Yeah, that's pretty common, from what I understand," I tell her. "Obviously, I never went to college, but I've had friends who did tell me very similar stories."
"She…" Cadence pauses, and I imagine she's blushing, though my eyes are on the sky and not her face. "She seemed to, erm…enjoy it. Very loudly and very exuberantly. It made me curious. About…boys. I began wondering if anyone would ever see fit to take an interest in me…as a human. As a female. And then the situation with Joel occurred, and I went out of my way to avoid attention from males, and never really entertained the notion of my own sexuality again. To be honest, my thoughts were never about sex, per se, but rather merely a curiosity regarding the attention of a boy. For who I am, I mean. Not because I am weird."
"So…what's different about me?" I ask. "Why do you react to me differently? Why is it okay for me to touch you?"
"I wish I knew," she answers.
I laugh. "Nice."
“Oh.” She goes tense. "That could be construed as an insult, I now realize."
"I know you didn't mean it that way."
She rolls toward me, angled against me, hands folded on my chest with her chin on her hands. "Indeed I did not. I only meant that I do not know myself why you. You are extraordinarily handsome, of course. But I have encountered other attractive men in my life and not felt about them the way I do you. My reaction to you was instant. The moment I opened my eyes and saw you, I was…struck. I was immediately plunged into my body. I immediately wondered how it would feel to make physical contact with you. If I would hate it, or if…if I might, for once, enjoy it. The curiosity became a need to find out. And I did."
"So, here's a question for you, then." I slide my fingers into her hair behind her ears. "If you couldn't bear the thought of being touched by anyone, why was the idea of a kiss a good thing?"
"An excellent question, Riley." She touches my lower lip with her index finger, idle, curious, affectionate. "To me, a kiss has always been a symbol. I wondered how it would feel, but was incapable of comprehending the reality. It was a symbol of being the subject of desire. I have been mocked by my peers—here in the States, at least. And if not mocked, misunderstood, underestimated, made assumptions of, dismissed, laughed at, and ignored. Boys saw me as a freak, not a girl to be desired. Even after puberty, when my adult physique had finished growing, my strangeness always outweighed any interest there may have been in my physical form. Once I spoke and they heard me sounding, as you so accurately and comedically put it, like a Victorian age automaton, my femaleness vanished and my freakishness prevailed."
My heart breaks for her. "Cadence, that's awful. I'm sorry you experienced that."
She smiles, shrugs. "I have come to accept it."
"And now, you've had your first kiss." I touch her lip, mirroring the path of her finger along my lower lip to my upper in a slow circuit. "And you liked it?"
She doesn't answer immediately. "Yes," she breathes after a moment. "I did. More than I know how to say. I…I haven't stopped thinking about kissing you since the first time your lips touched mine."
"And now you're thinking about what comes after kissing."
"Yes."
"But…you're…" I exhale sharply. "You're going to Africa. I don't know for how long, but you are, and you have no reason to come back here whenever you do return to the States."
"I would be gone at least four months, most likely closer to six."
"Exactly."
She frowns. "But I…" she rolls to her back and stares up at the sky. "I suppose I thought that you would be okay with that."
"With fooling around with you even though you're leaving soon?"
She nods. "Yes."
It's my turn to puzzle through my complicated reaction to this revelation. "I…I think if it were anyone else, I would be. But you're different." Before she can misinterpret this, I plow forward. "Cadence, you're a virgin, and experiencing sex is a big deal. It's a big deal to anyone, but you're twenty-four. You've waited a long time. And it's an evenbiggerdeal to you, I think, because of your sensory issues."
"You're not wrong."
"I just…Icareabout you. I don't want to…fuck, I don't know. Take something from you that's not mine to have. I dunno if that makes any sense. I just…your first time, and your pathtothat first time should be special. It should be magical. Ideally, yourfirst time should be with someone who you can see being the only one for you."
