Page 104 of The Wedding Ranch
“Here’s when we were teaching Jeff to ride a bike. Look at you, Lorri. You loved those streamers on the handlebars of that pink bike.”
“I remember that bike.”
So many precious memories. Decorating eggs at Easter, and they were never your average dunk-in-a-paper-cup-of-dye variety. There were feathers, glue, paint, and wax involved. And come Halloween the pumpkin carving went from simple knives and spoons to power tools. Her creativity had been in full gear from a very young age, and Jeff had fueled it with his competitiveness.
“You were always artistic,” Mom said.
“Jeff could never outshine you in that area,” Dad said. “But he could definitely play sports better.”
Lorri laughed. She never could throw or catch, as much as she’d tried. It used to drive Jeff crazy. He’d accuse her of not trying, but she just didn’t have the skill.
Lorri and her mom and dad all cried over the sweet boy he’d been, still unsure of what changed to set his life on such a hard path.
As they talked about the latter years, she withheld her harsh opinions. They’d heard them all before. Instead, she listenedand really tried to understand and offer comfort. There were more incidents than she’d even realized. He’d been under house arrest for a year for driving drunk. She remembered that but didn’t know about all the times he’d been in jail following that.
Lorri said, “Mom, do you remember the box of stuff you gave me? The one marked ‘Personal’?”
“I do.”
“I never realized it wasn’t my stuff. Probably just as well, else I might have thrown it away back then. I went through that box not too long ago.”
“Your brother had such a time. Bless his heart, he just couldn’t find his way.”
Dad got up and took their dessert plates into the kitchen. Mister followed him, hopeful for a scrap or two, no doubt.
“He really did have a heart of gold. His letters were sweet. He never meant to cause so much trouble. And after that accident it was all he could do to get through the days.” Mom’s lip trembled.
The brother Lorri loved had done awful things. She’d convinced herself that he was really no longer the same person, but in those letters he wrote to Mom from a cold cot in a cell somewhere in North Carolina, he was. He was trying, and the more he tried the more he felt as if he were being sucked down into something dark and wrong.
“It was so sad.” Lorri hugged her mother’s arm. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m supposed to be here comforting you, and I’m a complete wreck.”
Mom pulled her close, kissing her. “You never mourned hisloss. You’ve held this in for a long time. It was bound to happen at some point.”
“I was so mad at him.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
She raised her head, gulping for air between sobs. Mom’s eyes looked so blue although they were red from crying. Jeff had her blue eyes.
“It’s been an emotional day,” Dad said. “Let me fix us something to eat.”
“No, Daddy. All we’ve done is eat.”
He stood, filling the doorway. “There’s some Watergate salad in the fridge. Your mom forgot to put it out earlier.”
“Okay, but just a little scoop,” Lorri conceded. Dad still knew how to make her feel better.
Dad walked back out of the room, and Mom inched closer. “Some of the stuff that happened, even your Daddy never knew.”
“Oh, Mom. You shouldn’t have tried to take that on for everyone.”
“I did what I thought Jeff needed me to. I know I made mistakes. Enabling him. It’s easier to look back and see it, but at the time, there was hope. I felt hope.”
“You needed to feel that. You’re the best mother. You always believed in us no matter what. Thank you, Mom.” She’d wondered about that last day of Jeff’s life, but had never had the courage to ask. “Mom, do you think he crashed the car on purpose that day?”
“No. I have to believe he had some kind of seizure or something. He never would have taken his life without leaving me a note.”
Lorri thought of the stack of letters Jeff had written to her mother. “You’re right. He’d never do anything like that.” They’d never know for sure though.
